recieved email

[seasons]

from my sister.

Gosh she sounded good. I miss her, I think I would like a little contact, I'm not sure. Help!

Could I post her email?
Just to get some feed back from all of you.  Thank you seasons.

[Gaining Strength]

Sure you can!  Many are here to help and be helped.  There is much healing in helping others.  Post away Seasons.

[Gabben]

Hi Seasons,

It interesting that so many threads on the board at this time are about what level of contact or if to even have contact with toxic family members.

It is clear that you love your sister so much and would like her connection or to stay close to her. Listen to your heart and gut when you are connecting with her, if you end up going there. In other words get firm about your dignity and worth and quietly tell yourself that you deserve respect and love before and during conversations with her. Affirmations are good in this way.

For example:
If you hold your arm out from your body and tell yourself repeatedly 10 times "I can't"  and then try to have someone push your arm down, it will be weak and will colapse. But if you tell yourself 10 to 20 times "I can" and then someone goes to push your arm down, your arm will barely budge and you will be stronger and more able to fend off the subtle attacks.

Bean once told me that boundaries are silent, I really like that. If you have already internal limits set in place your sister may sense it and not be so cold and disrespectful of you in the subtle ways she has been in the past.

Also, have you ever gently confronted her about how you feel after you have interaction with her?

Hugs and warmth to you on the day,
(((seasons)))

Lise

[seasons]

Thank you ((GS)),

A little back ground. I was replying to an email I received from our cousin, in it she is in many pictures.
I tried to talk about something we have in common and is true. That is our parents. We spent so much time with them.
When we were together it was a marathon of a day. My dh would call and I would say I'm leaving in a few minute, well that turned out to be two hours. Dh didn't mind, just wanted to know when I was coming home, knowing it was going to be a loooong time.
My sister (middle 15 years older) said when she was married she did the same thing, tried to leave and just kept on gabbing away.
Our parents are both gone, we all miss them very much. That is what we share in common.

This sister has two children now adults, married with grandchildren. Her oldest son and I are 6 years apart. When I was younger all I heard is "MY CHILDREN COME FIRST"
Now it is "MY GRANDCHILDREN COME FIRST"
I find that in your face, I want you to know were you rank type of thing.
In our heart our children come first, but I would never say that to someone. Why? What is the purpose?
It's our love as a parent to care for them and adore them, doesn't mean I can't love others with all my heart also. I don't think of it as a contest. kwim?

So here was our exchange. She doesn't sound like the selfish and hurtful  N I have described in the past.
I am pondering should I try again, with a guarded heart.





Email to my sister from me.

Wow,
I thought you were tiny this summer. lol
Skinnnnnnnnnny, seriously congratulations on all your hard work, you look great.
 
I'm trying to figure out is that blue blouse one you have worn or were wearing for a special occasion.
You look beautiful in it.
 
I thought I was going to see you this past week for moms birthday. I was missing her kitchen, all sitting at the table, drinking coffee, talking, talking and more talking. Gotta go, no really I'm going..... jacket on......talk..talk.....talk........
Now I'm serious! Holding KEYS in hand,
 gotta go..... now..........
 I'm in trouble for sure, so might as well have just one more sip! Those were the days, so lucky to have had them. sniff...sniff...
 
On a lighter note. How is your new romance going? I hear you are crazy about him as he is about you.
You look so happy, he must be a keeper.
Well fill me in when you have a chance.
 
Miss you, love seasons
 
P.S. I loved Ruth's outfit. Did you?

Email from my sister.



I have been thinking of all the trouble we used to get in going to ma's for
coffee too.! We were very lucky to have such great parents.
I was telling Nadine last week how much we miss them and all the funny stories.
Because she was telling me she does not know what she would do if her parents
died.And I said ENJOY THEM NOW .
You will never know the pain when they are gone.When I tell stories to my new
beau I always say oh ya we did that when my parents were alive (its amazing -
the cookouts at dad's , the pool, sitting in theliving room for hours.etc etc.
Help I miss them.
On  another Note: Yes Michael is a keeper. Very family orientated.
Loves his 7 grandchildren to death and babysat the 2 month old WED.and he was in
his glory.
He has three daughters and they call him at least five times a day.
It is so much fun to listen to. And he adores them. He's got a good heart. Dad
I'm going to Market Basket do you want to come and he goes and pushes the little
ones in the cart. He is so cute.
Michele came over and met him the other night. They could not stop talking . I
said hello I am here.
She called me the next day and said
Ma,
he is sooooooooooooooo nice
he is soooooooo   handsome and ma
he is sooooooooooooooooo crazy about you !
The blouse in the picture is from Debbies wedding I brought it over to see if
they thought I should wear it on New Years Eve.
Thank goddness I did get dressed up-he had on a suit!
(He has not seen my legs yet-ouch!)
I am going to drop off your dusty christmas presents some morning
since we have not gotten together.
Thank you for the perfect mugs . Love them.
Trish

[Gabben]

Wow Seasons,

What an exchange, interesting. I can't write too much because I have to make a deadline here at work today.

But my first thought to myself, as I was reading your e-mail to her, was "seasons is so sweet and thoughtful of others."

Then as I was reading her e-mail to you I thought to myself, her sister is so self-absorbed and thinks mainly of her own interests. I felt sad for you because your sister does not even recognize you.

You are a big and a good person seasons, keep loving her.

Here is the St Francis Prayer, I think this may help, although I think you have already internalized this and you live it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS


Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,


that where there is hatred, I may bring love;


that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;


that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;


that where there is error, I may bring truth;


that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;


that where there is despair, I may bring hope;


that where there are shadows, I may bring light;


that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.


Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;


to understand, than to be understood;


to love, than to be loved.


For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.


It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.


It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Seasons,

Well... I don't know, but your sister definitely sounds smitten with her new love interest. Gabben is right... first thing I notice is that she really doesn't ask anything about you or express any interest whatsoever.

Since your past impression of her has been that she's a selfish, hurtful N, I wonder whether she's only able to come across as less-so now because of this romantic relationship? If you hadn't brought that up, well... I wonder what she would have discussed. In fact, I almost felt that she used your mention of missing those times with your parents as a lead-in so that she could talk about her "new beau".

(((Seasons)))  please continue to exercise good caution and maybe take a close look at your own expectations in this before proceeding? Just because she didn't outright hurt you in this exchange doesn't mean she's changed a bit...

With concern,
Carolyn

[seasons]

Thank you for your thoughtful, open and honest replies.

My heart is open right now. Scared too.

I have to go pick up my daughter but I will be back when I can reply with as much kindness and respect as you have given me.
Each and every word is with me.
Your voice and time is so very precious and appreciated.

((GS and Lise)) always with love.

Certain Hope, Thank you! You are such a loving hopeful spirit on this board. I don't know if I ever expressed how genuinely thankful I am that you are here. with love seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  I will  relate  your sister to my relationship with my M, who IS an N,IMO. I stood up to her 3 months ago. I  "took" a place of respect and she does not "mess with me",anymore(basically).
  We had many warm ,loving moments while she was here helping me get through the funeral. Many times, I had to  back her down. I HAVE to do that b/c she does not have good sense ,in many things.
 However, the good does out weigh the bad b/c she loves me and love is precious, even when it is very, very imperfect and dissapointing.So, your sister may fit in to the same category as my M. Just a thought to add to the mix, Seasons. Thank you for all your kindness to me during this time, Seasons.       Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I think Gabben and Certain Hope are reading with good insight.  I completely missed the whole self-interest aspect.  How did you feel when you got the e-mail Seasons?

[seasons]

I think Gabben and Certain Hope are reading with good insight.  I completely missed the whole self-interest aspect.  How did you feel when you got the e-mail Seasons?

Hi Gaining Strength,

I first felt surprised by her quick reply.And much longer than usual. She would always rather have my ear than correspond through email, to limiting for her.


 Felt relieved she wasn't mad at me. Fantasied about being a sister to my sister.
THEN as they day progressed and I couldn't sleep as I was engulfed with old truths.

I'm having flash backs from last year when I went through PTSS. I don't want to ever experience that again.
My head is swirling with confusion. Ball is in my court because the usual dance would be me asking her to go out together.

I'm trying to make a list of pros and cons.                 seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  MY read on what you are going through,now, is that your intuition is telling you NOT to contact her. That is what I got from your last post. I could be wrong,but it is my impression, Seasons.        Love   Ami

[Leah]

Dear (((((( Seasons ))))))

Thoughts of you, hoping, that you will rightly decide, of what is best, and healthy, for you, after weighing-up and deciding, from what you know, and what you perceive, right now.

Trusting your discernment, gut feeling, inner voice, in the matter of right judgement, and counsel, for you.

Personally, the email reads of self-absorbment, and so very like, my own sister, who sadly, could not have thoughts for another.

Love, Leah

[seasons]

I felt sad for you because your sister does not even recognize you.

No one ever noticed she does not recognize me. How can I thank you for giving me recognition of not existing in her eyes. Validation is healing to my spirit. ((Lise))You are a big and a good person seasons, keep loving her.

Yes, I will always love her. Thats what hurts the most, I would love to share that with her.
Lise,
Thank you for sharing prayer with me. It is healing and powerful. I'm grateful for your friendship. I am blessed. seasons

Dear Seasons,
  MY read on what you are going through,now, is that your intuition is telling you NOT to contact her. That is what I got from your last post. I could be wrong,but it is my impression, Seasons.        Love   Ami

Your impression is right Ami.
I think felt an inner trigger again. Feeling like the bad one for not showing up, in her life. But that is what it is, her life, I can choose to be her audience again. If I do I will again feel hatred, when it really is pain and sadness.

She can be very charming at first, I remember. My memories are flooding back.

Then she turns, her eyes dart right through you.
Even when you applaud, she dismisses that and continues on. Doesn't even receive that from me.
When you speak she looks and says nothing. So I end up squirming because of the silence, being dismissed, not being seen or heard is painful and embarrassing.
Also their has been an elephant in the room, me, abuse they never acknowledged. Dismissed again.
This is the truth of us, as two in a relationship that would be really one.

I went through years that I thought God would want me to be there. To be bigger and take it because he loves her too. I felt so much pressure to honor God, yet couldn't take the pain.
I feel God hopefully will not punish me for not turning my cheek. I don't think he will because he does know my heart, I do love her, I do wish her happiness, love and health.
Being with her erodes those loving thoughts.
Maybe I could ease my guilt, and send her an email once in a while instead of letting six months go by

Gosh I'm just rambling thoughts as they roll through my head.  Thank you Ami, this must seem like such nonsense to you at this time.
Your heart is selfless. I admire your love you give while in such pain. Love to you seasons

[seasons]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Seasons,

Well... I don't know, but your sister definitely sounds smitten with her new love interest. Gabben is right... first thing I notice is that she really doesn't ask anything about you or express any interest whatsoever.

Since your past impression of her has been that she's a selfish, hurtful N, I wonder whether she's only able to come across as less-so now because of this romantic relationship? If you hadn't brought that up, well... I wonder what she would have discussed. In fact, I almost felt that she used your mention of missing those times with your parents as a lead-in so that she could talk about her "new beau".

(((Seasons)))  please continue to exercise good caution and maybe take a close look at your own expectations in this before proceeding? Just because she didn't outright hurt you in this exchange doesn't mean she's changed a bit...

With concern,
Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,
Wouldn't be fun and joyful to be able to share in her new relationship, in a healthy way. Give and take, share lifes gifts and joys. It sounds so easy, yet impossible as I reflect.
Your right she didn't outright hurt me, which almost made me want more, though I agree in my heart I believe she hasn't changed one bit.
It so hard to see that when you want love and acceptance from that one person so much.
I'm safely looking for balance, to give love and be well too.  love seasons

Thoughts of you, hoping, that you will rightly decide, of what is best, and healthy, for you, after weighing-up and deciding, from what you know, and what you perceive, right now.

Trusting your discernment, gut feeling, inner voice, in the matter of right judgement, and counsel, for you.

Personally, the email reads of self-absorbment, and so very like, my own sister, who sadly, could not have thoughts for another.

Love, Leah

((Leah)) Sorry your sister is also unable to give, I share your sadness of what could of been. 
Thank you Leah for being such a giving source of help and support to work through it all, to find peace in the truth. Even if the results are painful and not our wishes.          Love and hope for us all. seasons

[Leah]

((Leah)) Sorry your sister is also unable to give, I share your sadness of what could of been. 
Thank you Leah for being such a giving source of help and support to work through it all, to find peace in the truth. Even if the results are painful and not our wishes.          Love and hope for us all. seasons

((((( Seasons )))))

The results, are painful, especially, as we know, what could have been, but, sadly, was not to be.

The sweet Serenity prayer is my anchor, regarding my sister, and parents.

That's all I have to hold onto.

My wishes have been washed away, in that valley of tears, which, mercifully, gratefully, brought an inner cleansing, and hope for a future, with newness.

Love, Leah