Assertiveness

[Gabben]

Something for me to work on more:


As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
They know their rights.
They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It means that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way. (This is my weak area)
They have a good understanding of feelings of the person with whom they are communicating.

[Certain Hope]

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
They know their rights.
They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It means that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way. (This is my weak area)
They have a good understanding of feelings of the person with whom they are communicating.

Hi, Lise,

I think you're doing very well with this. There's nothing about human relations which can be reduced to a perfect science, imo. If it could, then we'd be automatons... so... thank God for humanity!

Having a good understanding of the feelings of the other person with whom I'm communicating - that's my particular weak area at this point, I think... but it's getting easier.

Till recently, I couldn't even imagine that the other person might have feelings, so progress has been made! Used to be that an aggressive person would frighten me clear over into full defense mode, so that nobody's feelings were accessible to me... including my own.

Thanks for this thread.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

Hi, Lise,

I think you're doing very well with this. There's nothing about human relations which can be reduced to a perfect science, imo. If it could, then we'd be automatons... so... thank God for humanity!

Having a good understanding of the feelings of the other person with whom I'm communicating - that's my particular weak area at this point, I think... but it's getting easier.

Till recently, I couldn't even imagine that the other person might have feelings, so progress has been made! Used to be that an aggressive person would frighten me clear over into full defense mode, so that nobody's feelings were accessible to me... including my own.

Thanks for this thread.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

Hi Carolyn,

I have to confess that I was posting it rather passively because I was trying to tell the board something...rather than just state something assertive and direct such as: 

"Hey board I think that I am rather assertive at times and if you really look at my behavior you will see that too, you will see that my posts are not shaming or hurtful, a little reactionary perhaps, sure, but I am really trying to work on that, please don't shame me." "I'll keep trying to do better."



You said:
Till recently, I couldn't even imagine that the other person might have feelings, so progress has been made!

You Rock!! It takes humility, courage and love to look at ourselves and admit what you did above -- you rock!!!

Love,
Lise

[seasons]

(((Lise and Certain Hope)))

[Certain Hope]

Lise,

lol... thanks, nobody has ever said to me that I rock... that tickles me  

Actually, I'm learning alot by watching you in action... which I've done, for some time now, without personally interacting.

For the most part, I hear what you say and then I see you following through on those words... actively, practicing what you preach, so to speak. And I like it.

I also see you being very direct and honest... and yet being misunderstood or plainly un-heard.
That's a very familiar place to be, for me, too... which is why I often preferred to say nothing at all.
Sadly, saying nothing at all promotes isolation and withdrawal ends the possibility of relationship... so I really need to learn better ways!

I have a long way to go... just want you to know that I see many of the same things you do, and appreciate your style.
Thank you.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S. ((((((((Seasons)))))))) Thank you so much... that feels wonderful!

[seasons]

Lise,

Great thread. I have to go to bed. Only slept a few hours. Just wanted to let you know I see much to learn and value here.

will be back. love to you both seasons

[Ami]

Very good thread. Lise. Just wanted to say that to you!         Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Beautiful, Izzy. Thanks so much for that concrete example! That's another thing which happens to me regularly and I'm only just now finding my voice to speak up and say - whoa, I don't think you heard me!

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

(((((((( Izzy ))))))))))


"good for you, dear lady"


Leah x

[Gabben]

Excellent Izzy - thank you for that.

I have found that if I do not speak up then I walk away from the conversation thinking or feeling a little resentful, or alot, depending on the issue. I'll think, hey that did not feel good.

My sister has 4 kids.  The youngest is about 16 months - this past Christmas I observed the way her youngest child expressed her emotions and then what she did afterwards, she just moved on - she got it out and then just moved on.

Once, when my little nephew was sitting on mom's lap, my little niece came over and starting trying to hit my little nephew to push him off because she was feeling jealous....well her behavior does not fit the definition of assertive But at her age it is understandable and not to be made wrong.

The point is that her feeling jealous was not to be squished...she wanted and needed mom..and she wants and needs attention, she is right in her wants and needs and if she feels jealous than we let her express it. Of course at this stage we can't reason with her and we can't shame her about her hitting and trying to take out her older brother...so we just pick her up and hold her, give her the attention that she needs, bring her a toy or give her  loves and kisses, whatever we can do to let her know her wants and needs are OK.

I have no idea what this has to do with being assertive -- it just came to me as story to share.

Lise