Giving up the story....it is time (V-day is coming)

[Gabben]

There is a pattern in my life....I want to rewrite the story of my abusive relationship with my mom. It seems to me that I attract abusers like moths to a flame. Has anyone had this experience?

What I think lies behind this story or pattern is the desire to rewrite the story in an attempt to resolve the unfinished pain of my abusive childhood and my hidden desire for my abusive mom to say - "you are right Lise," " am a liar and I have hurt you"- I have no desire for her to beat herself up or for revenge. I just want the pain to stop -- that is the story I am trying to rewrite.

What I have to give up are my buttons. For a while I thought I had to give up my voice, but not.

My anger and pain is getting triggered by the board but that is not the board's fault it is my choice to react the way I am reacting.

I think I know what is coming up for me.

Here goes:

When I was 11 years old  I used to ice skate in the mornings before school. Ice skating was my passion and my escape.

One early morning, before school, Valentines Day 1980, I was at the ice rink training and having a lesson with my coach, with whom I did not ever feel a warm connection, actually she frightened me. Towards the end of the lesson (patch - figure eights), she started in on me, she started yelling "what is wrong with you!" --  "Are you stupid!" She would grab my arm and my body and push me in a way that was humiliating -- tears started running down my face. I looked up at the clock to see that my lesson was over, it was time for school. My coach saw me looking at the clock and she said "oh no! -- you are not going anywhere!" She would not let me off the ice, the berating and yelling kept coming until I was frozen and could not move, humiliated and reduced to a state of tears. Eventually, she stomped away. I looked at the clock -- I was late!

I ran down to the locker room to change my clothes. My school was only a block away but I was already too late for first period. It never occurred to me that it was high risk time for young kids to be walking on the streets to school after the first bells have already gone off, that is when predators look for the stragglers.

As I started up the street, I heard my coach's sports car pulling out of the lot. I turned back and looked at her, she glared at me and peeled out.  I turned back to start walking again, tears were strolling down my face. Suddenly there was a car in the walk way. I had to walk around it because the driver was just sitting there. I thought to myself -- why is he not pulling out? As I started around the car, the driver suddenly called me over - NOT THINKING CLEARLY...I went to his window, he seemed nice enough -- he asked me if I was afraid of guns. I suddenly froze, in puzzlement I said... "what?"  He then pulled a black gun out and pointed it at me and told me to get int the car. The rest is loss of innocence and trauma.

He let me go that day and I found my way back to school -- I do not feel like talking about the rest.

I do not know what is worse - having what happened to me happen or having a N mom who told me that it was my fault.

I'll never forget the morning, about a month after it happened, I was back on the ice training and this time my mom was with me. In the past she would never watch me skate -- she said that she hated to because I was  an "awful skater."   But she must have felt bad for not being there that morning, as any parent would and she started accompanying me to the rink.

That morning she called me over to the boards and started spewing out angry words that I can't recall except for when she said -- "what happend to you was your fault - you ugly brat!"

My world went black.

Today I am still fighting the abusers and N's of the world. I am still wanting to rewrite the story -- "if only -- if only ---if only."

I am in the pure frustration -- I just have to give up.

I can feel the pain rising up, biting my chest and the tears rolling, I get it now -- My mom will never love me, understand me and care about me....I can't change the past or her, I can't get her to see the real me or get her to confess the harm she did to me -- I just have to learn to accept her and what happened that I did not want it to happen but it did and it JUST HURTS.

I just have mourn a loss -- again.

Lise



 

[Ami]

Lise
 It was so good that you shared that. I know that it must have been really, really hard for you . I know how hard it was for  me to share my story and I STILL want to erase it(lol)
  Lise, keep sharing the very hardest things like this. I am with you and I love you.
  You have been through so much pain. Of course, you would have residual patterns. Anyone would. You are trying to face them. We have a promise of "freedom" when we face them ,Lise.
                         I am available, whenever you need to talk.            Love   Ami


((((((((Lise)))))))))))

[Gabben]

Oh my Ami -- I love you -- you are always there for me even when you are going through your worst pains too.

My chest aches and my heart is breaking all over again, I can feel the rage and anger rising up in me. It actually feels releasing, after all of these years to think I have been caring around these pains and wishes to undo the past.

That is the point though, I can't undo the past by redoing the present, I just have to let go -- ouch.

My frozen feelings are moving again...thanks, your words touched me and helped.

What a blessing you are to me.

Lise

[Ami]

Lise,
  You are the SAME for me. I am really hurting right now(from old patterns ) and I KNOW the first one on my thread will be YOU(lol)
  The two monkeys(lol) .                     Love  Ami

[Gabben]

So much of my pain is about being so violated, tricked and used...the rage of others blindness and abuse... the feelings of powerless and the shame of feeling it was all my fault. But the good new is that I can feel the healing in my chest and the bleeding wound now working it's way out of me.

Last year, at this same time, I was driving home from work one night and I started to hyperventilate, feeling sick I had to pull my car over, I threw up. I called my T (my good one), she said so lovingly to me, "it is all out, it is all out -- you are OK now, you are safe."

Later I read and learned that when we are subjected to violence such as I was that the disgust we feel, if repressed, gets stuck in our bodies, my throwing up was how I was releasing the painful disgust of what had happended to me.

Not every year does pain come up but the last few years have been the worst.

[Certain Hope]

Dear ((((((Lise)))))) ... I don't know what it's like to experience what you have and I can only imagine your feelings.

I don't know how to mourn along with you, either... except to say that your mother was so very wrong.
What happened to you was SO not your fault.

Love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

What happened to you was SO not your fault.

Love,
Carolyn

((((Carolyn)))),

Just hearing those words from you brought a rush of tears to my eyes and a gut wrench of emotion. How I have longed to hear someone tell me it was not my fault. Thank you.

I need to hear it again and again and again.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  We keep the pain in our bodies,I think, at a very deep level.Lise,I wish you could see the counselor I am seeing. She sees deep patterns  We ,as children,make decisions ,such as we were "illegitimate".
 She prayed that I would let the feeling of "illegitamacy "go. It was a sense that I never belonged to anyone and did not have or deserve a place on the earth.
 She was so "right" about this.I felt much better after she identified it . She is not blown away by anything you tell her. That ,in itself, is very healing.Nothing seems to surprise or disturb her. She told me that I would get whole,no problem. She seems very,very confident of the process.I am glad that ONE of is us(lol)
                                                                                        Ami

[Gabben]

She is not blown away by anything you tell her. That ,in itself, is very healing. Nothing seems to surprise or disturb her.                                                                                        

Exactly -- that is a sign of a good T. It takes unconditional love and non-judgment for our little inner children to know that it is safe enough to come out and express, share all and be ourselves without fear of being squished. She does not squish you --- YEAH!!! I am happy to hear that she is helping you.

Lise

[Ami]

Yes Lise,
  I am going to use this opportunity to share as deeply as I can and let go  ofdeep shame, guilt and hopefully, fear. She didn't seem blown away with HOW bad my M was, either. She said that my M was mentally ill and perverted,though.
  What would life be like if we had nurturing mothers? It seems so strange to even think about it--so alien and different. I think that the fear and pain is carried within us,.
  However, this lady, Ann, says that if you can get God's love really  deeply ,you can heal it all. Perfect love casts our Fear. Probably all our problems could be classified as fear, I would think, at the root.
  Shame is fear of people seeing us and rejecting us . Perhaps, all our problems have some fear,at the root. What do you think, Lise?
                                   Ami

[Gabben]

((((((((gabben))))))))

 It's taken me 39 years to realize, just as I cannot relate to your N mother, or your pain of abuse, my family has never related to what a serious trauma this was for me, nad how there reactions, or lack thereof, affected me!

Hi Izzy,

Just like it has taken you 39 years to realize that no one was there for you I too am just realizing that after about 28 years. Sure there were a few people but trauma's such as our's need more than just a few counseling sessions, correct? -- There is a lot to work through.

Izzy - I could never in a million years cope with what you have had to cope with. And yet, I know that there are people that could never cope with what I have gone through. It makes me think that saying is really true - "God only gives us what we can handle."

But that still does not diminish the pain and the need for acknowledgement of our pain by compassionate others, like you Izzy.

Thanks and hugs to you ((((IZZY)))

[Gabben]

Perhaps, all our problems have some fear,at the root. What do you think, Lise?
                                   

Oh yes, fear is a thread that runs it's way through our lives, it can be destructive.


Another thing that you said that was powerful to me was what would it be like to have normal loving mothers....I stopped and paused for a long time when I read that. Wow--- great question and one that if I really work it visualize I could see the wounds and areas that need healing.

(((AMI)))

Lise

[Gabben]

Good question -- I am planning to excel where ever God wants me. I guess you might say I like excelling on trying to do God's will.

Some days are better than others though, LOL.

As I read your line about emotional health I laughed at myself...ME? As if? I am working towards that Izzy, maybe one day - progress is better than stagnation, right?

My hearts is so tender right now from my pain, it amazes me the compassion I am capable of when I hurt. I take the compassion I feel just listening to you and your story of devastation and loss and my heart hurts for what you have been through, your loss. It is important for me to take my heart and turn it around and look at my pain and have compassion for myself. You have helped me to do that dear Izzy, by sharing your suffering with me. You suffering was not for nothing...yes chosen.

Peace to you -- I have to sign off for the night.

All of this really helped me today - Thank you everyone for you support and posts.

Lise

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

I don't want to overdo it and give you a big head but I think you are outrageously wonderful and you are a daily encouragement to me.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Just in case your head is overswelling, might I just say that, to me, you are both outrageous and wonderful?

Yes, I might.

 

Love,
Carolyn