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Can a N feel 'true' attraction?
el123:
bunny, I'm glad that you wrote what you did. I had been feeling sort of guilty about my feelings. You're right, it is flattering to be the object of his attention.
Blue Topaz,
--- Quote ---The feeling of “dysfunction” and love together, may be what is feeling familiar to you, and familiarity, even when it’s around really unhealthy circumstances, can be extremely drawing to us.
--- End quote ---
yes, I know exactly what you mean. I used to only be attracted to guys with problems.
--- Quote ---I don't know if you will relate to this, but what I’ve noticed for myself, is that sometimes (when I was in a relationship\s- am not now), I would kind of flirt with taboo thoughts. For example, if someone was coming on to me, I’d imagine, and feel exhilerated about reciprocating (although I’d never do it- couldn’t be farther from who I am).
--- End quote ---
I can definately relate to this! I do the same thing.
Jaded, Yes I think that rivalry/jealousy has something to do with this.
--- Quote ---May I ask you something? If you think back to all of the things your husband has said about your BIL, would there be a mention of rivalry, jellousy, bitterness or previous other women your husband dated that the NBIL hounded on?
--- End quote ---
I asked H this and he said "no" but maybe because his brother didn't know his past girlfriends so much. But he did say that his brother was highly competitive with him.
--- Quote ---First of all if he was a descent person he would take his wagging tail to a single woman let alone his married SIL. Something is missing in his deck of cards to even attempt this one.
--- End quote ---
Well, he's had numerous affairs, even going so far as to living with another woman on the side (he had a separate apartment and, since he's a doctor, would often be 'on call' at nights). He's a total dog this way.
Update: My H was not speaking to either his N mother and N brother. It had been almost two months since his N brother and N mom had tried to contact him and about 3 months since my H had initiated contact. Things got really out of hand with them and our marriage was suffering badly. He decided that they were 'toxic' for him (long story but in a nutshell they were telling him to jump and he'd say 'how high, how long' etc even though it was destructive to our family. For example, getting my H to pay bills that his brother owed and his brother is a multi millionaire and my H would just do it even though we couldn't pay our bills because of it simply b/c N brother *told him to*. Lot more but don't have time to get into it). Anyways, since the break off, my N MIL and N BIL have tried grasping and clawing to get him back in their grips. My MIL called him crying a couple of times saying that she was going to kill herself (she's been doing this for as long as he can remember and has never attempted, just threatens), and my N BIL called him to yell at him for stressing their mom out by distancing himself, etc. But H was good and stood his ground (all his doing, I did not tell him to do this). A month and a half goes by with no contact from them. Our marriage has been good for the first time in a year since they weren't in the pic. His stress level decreased significantly, etc.
Then, yesterday, H told me that BIL called him at work, his recent MO since he has an unlisted number that he calls from and H can't get call block on his work phone. Said "are you going to talk to mom anytime before she dies?" My H told him that he would call her if and when *he* decided. BIL was trying to force H to call her ASAP, saying that she had been in the hospital (for nosebleeds! And he and his wife are both *doctors* and MIL lives in one of their houses with them! And *directly* across the street from a hospital). H still stood his ground and restated his boundaries to his B. BIL said that us sending his kids presents was 'repulsive and almost made him sick' (we sent presents for his sons b-day like we do every year) and that he almost sent them back to us, went on to insult his half brother (who he's never even seen and his half brother's in his mid twenties) for inviting him to his wedding. Said "I should call him to yell at him for inviting me. How'd he get my address?" Implying that my H gave it to him, which he didn't. Apparently BIL is angry at his half brother for having the "misfortune" of being spawn of his father who BIL villifies at every opportunity (he wasn't that great of a dad, but wasn't *that* bad either and now is an absolute sweetheart truly). Then my H said that BIL and their mother need to respect me (they *don't* at all! They have constantly tried to get H to keep secrets from me and lots of other stuff that makes marriage even more difficult than it has to be).
Then my BIL said to my H "She's not good enough for you" (meaning that I am not good enough for my H). My H said "Why because she stays home with them kids, doesn't make money, and doesn't send the kids to daycare?" BIL said "No, that's not it". He never did say what "it" is. Then my H said "Well, I think that she's good enough and you and mom need to respect her." That's basically when the convo ended with BIL yelling that he was never going to speak to my H again unless their mom died. My H said "good".
I don't think that I can ever see/speak to my BIL again. I'm so ticked that he would tell my H that I wasn't 'good enough'. This really hurt to hear. I don't even know why. He's a complete a$$ and I shouldn't take it personally. I just feel so bad that he would say that about me.
I know that my BIL will try to contact us/ my H though since my H had been his best supply and my MIL's as well. I think that I need to extract myself from his family. It's too destructive for me and the whole family. Thanks for listening,
-E
Onyx:
If there is a chemistry between you, then you must be giving something back in return..........even if it's only a smile(s).....right? You keep saying that you don't like him, but persist in saying that there is chemistry between you.......so you must be slightly more invested than you think!
Anyway, if he is an NPDer..........then no, you're just an object.....a challenge! He may be Somantic in which case it is purely sexual......he interacts and expresses suedo feelings this way! In actually fact, who could be seeking satisfaction in destroying your marriage........very sick
David
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: el123 ---Then my BIL said to my H "She's not good enough for you" (meaning that I am not good enough for my H). My H said "Why because she stays home with them kids, doesn't make money, and doesn't send the kids to daycare?" BIL said "No, that's not it". He never did say what "it" is. Then my H said "Well, I think that she's good enough and you and mom need to respect her." That's basically when the convo ended with BIL yelling that he was never going to speak to my H again unless their mom died. My H said "good".
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Your husband did well here. He'll do even better when he ends the conversation at the first hint of abuse. Even if he has to hang up on him.
--- Quote from: el123 ---I don't think that I can ever see/speak to my BIL again. I'm so ticked that he would tell my H that I wasn't 'good enough'. This really hurt to hear. I don't even know why. He's a complete a$$ and I shouldn't take it personally. I just feel so bad that he would say that about me.
--- End quote ---
You're surprised that your BIL insulted you? That was predictable actually. When he couldn't seduce you, he had to find a different way to hurt his brother - by dissing his wife. This isn't really about you. He's testing to see how much crap his brother will take.
Stay away from this creep, that's all I can say.
bunny
Portia:
Hi El, maybe any “chemistry” is simply that BIL smells like, or moves like, your H. After all, you married his brother, so there must be some genetic attraction to the type. Who knows.
Whatever, even if there is some mutual genetic attraction, it’s nothing magical or special, just basic hormones. A bit like bad PMT when you want to commit violence: something to be aware of but not to act upon. P
el123:
onxy,
--- Quote ---In actually fact, who could be seeking satisfaction in destroying your marriage........very sick
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On thinking about what you said here, I think you are right. I think that he gets some type of thrill thinking that he has power to break us us. I don't think I'll be speaking/seeing him anytime ever at this point ever since the "not good enough" comment.
bunny,
I'm so glad that you said my H did well with BIL b/c I wasn't sure of that. In my anger on hearing about the convo wished that my H would have gotten more angry but it's better that he stayed calm and just restated boundaries.
--- Quote ---You're surprised that your BIL insulted you?
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Yes, ridiculously I was. He had never done this before that I know of and I guess I'm just naive. You'd think I'd know better coming from a Nmom, huh? You're right to stay away from him. It's what I completely intend to do!
Portia,
--- Quote ---maybe any “chemistry” is simply that BIL smells like, or moves like, your H.
--- End quote ---
You know, I never thought of that! But maybe you're right b/c early on in our marriage I was strongly attracted to a co-worker and realized later that this co-worker looked and acted extremely similar to my H and reminded me of my H.
--- Quote ---Whatever, even if there is some mutual genetic attraction, it’s nothing magical or special, just basic hormones
--- End quote ---
Yes, it's just a sexual thing. Definately nothing special and nothing I'd act on. I have no fear of that (especially now!)
"Not good enough", "not good enough..." dammit, I *am* good enough! LOL! His comments just really struck at me hard! I've never said or did *anything* unkind to him or anyone in the family. It's not like I'm an addict, sleep around, or do *anything* to warrant this comment (I'm kind of boring, actually). Sh..t, I even am mother to his two nieces and one nephew. How can he say that to my H who has never said anything bad to me about his brother in his life? I know, he's a N. A classic, it's all about him, has no empathy, doesn't give a rat's a$$ about anyone but himself N. But d@mn! This comment still hurts!
-El
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