bunny, I'm glad that you wrote what you did. I had been feeling sort of guilty about my feelings. You're right, it is flattering to be the object of his attention.
Blue Topaz,
The feeling of “dysfunction” and love together, may be what is feeling familiar to you, and familiarity, even when it’s around really unhealthy circumstances, can be extremely drawing to us.
yes, I know exactly what you mean. I used to only be attracted to guys with problems.
I don't know if you will relate to this, but what I’ve noticed for myself, is that sometimes (when I was in a relationship\s- am not now), I would kind of flirt with taboo thoughts. For example, if someone was coming on to me, I’d imagine, and feel exhilerated about reciprocating (although I’d never do it- couldn’t be farther from who I am).
I can definately relate to this! I do the same thing.
Jaded, Yes I think that rivalry/jealousy has something to do with this.
May I ask you something? If you think back to all of the things your husband has said about your BIL, would there be a mention of rivalry, jellousy, bitterness or previous other women your husband dated that the NBIL hounded on?
I asked H this and he said "no" but maybe because his brother didn't know his past girlfriends so much. But he did say that his brother was highly competitive with him.
First of all if he was a descent person he would take his wagging tail to a single woman let alone his married SIL. Something is missing in his deck of cards to even attempt this one.
Well, he's had numerous affairs, even going so far as to living with another woman on the side (he had a separate apartment and, since he's a doctor, would often be 'on call' at nights). He's a total dog this way.
Update: My H was not speaking to either his N mother and N brother. It had been almost two months since his N brother and N mom had tried to contact him and about 3 months since my H had initiated contact. Things got really out of hand with them and our marriage was suffering badly. He decided that they were 'toxic' for him (long story but in a nutshell they were telling him to jump and he'd say 'how high, how long' etc even though it was destructive to our family. For example, getting my H to pay bills that his brother owed and his brother is a multi millionaire and my H would just do it even though we couldn't pay our bills because of it simply b/c N brother *told him to*. Lot more but don't have time to get into it). Anyways, since the break off, my N MIL and N BIL have tried grasping and clawing to get him back in their grips. My MIL called him crying a couple of times saying that she was going to kill herself (she's been doing this for as long as he can remember and has never attempted, just threatens), and my N BIL called him to yell at him for stressing their mom out by distancing himself, etc. But H was good and stood his ground (all his doing, I did not tell him to do this). A month and a half goes by with no contact from them. Our marriage has been good for the first time in a year since they weren't in the pic. His stress level decreased significantly, etc.
Then, yesterday, H told me that BIL called him at work, his recent MO since he has an unlisted number that he calls from and H can't get call block on his work phone. Said "are you going to talk to mom anytime before she dies?" My H told him that he would call her if and when *he* decided. BIL was trying to force H to call her ASAP, saying that she had been in the hospital (for nosebleeds! And he and his wife are both *doctors* and MIL lives in one of their houses with them! And *directly* across the street from a hospital). H still stood his ground and restated his boundaries to his B. BIL said that us sending his kids presents was 'repulsive and almost made him sick' (we sent presents for his sons b-day like we do every year) and that he almost sent them back to us, went on to insult his half brother (who he's never even seen and his half brother's in his mid twenties) for inviting him to his wedding. Said "I should call him to yell at him for inviting me. How'd he get my address?" Implying that my H gave it to him, which he didn't. Apparently BIL is angry at his half brother for having the "misfortune" of being spawn of his father who BIL villifies at every opportunity (he wasn't that great of a dad, but wasn't *that* bad either and now is an absolute sweetheart truly). Then my H said that BIL and their mother need to respect me (they *don't* at all! They have constantly tried to get H to keep secrets from me and lots of other stuff that makes marriage even more difficult than it has to be).
Then my BIL said to my H "She's not good enough for you" (meaning that I am not good enough for my H). My H said "Why because she stays home with them kids, doesn't make money, and doesn't send the kids to daycare?" BIL said "No, that's not it". He never did say what "it" is. Then my H said "Well,
I think that she's good enough and you and mom need to respect her." That's basically when the convo ended with BIL yelling that he was never going to speak to my H again unless their mom died. My H said "good".
I don't think that I can ever see/speak to my BIL again. I'm so ticked that he would tell my H that I wasn't 'good enough'. This really hurt to hear. I don't even know why. He's a complete a$$ and I shouldn't take it personally. I just feel so bad that he would say that about me.
I know that my BIL will try to contact us/ my H though since my H had been his best supply and my MIL's as well. I think that I need to extract myself from his family. It's too destructive for me and the whole family. Thanks for listening,
-E
