Verbal Abuse (abuse with words) in relationships ......... by Patricia Evans

[Leah]

Verbal Abuse In Relationships

by Patricia Evans

Most people recognize name-calling as verbal abuse, but name-calling is just one of more than a dozen categories of verbal abuse. Typically, people who are put down in verbally abusive relationships think that somehow, in some way their being treated has something to do with them. They have the impression that there is something about themselves that makes their loved one mad at them, apprehensive of them, distant toward them, fed up with them, unbelieving of them, or disdainful of them.

Since verbally abusive relationships have been ignored by our culture for thousands of years and since there are so many forms of verbal abuse from the most subtle to the most direct, it is not easy for people in abusive relationships to understand what is going on. For this reason, I have written a book that thousands of people say helps them more than anything else they’ve read to recognize verbal abuse right when it’s happening.

Conversely, people who frequently indulge in verbal abuse may have little if any conscious awareness of what they are doing. This idea may seem strange to people looking in on an abusive relationship. But many people have told me that they were frequently abusive and never thought anything about their behavior.

Abusers are Often Blind to Their Abusive Behavior

If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders--that it is their right--they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.
 

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.
 

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse—acts against their mate—are justified because their mate “makes them do it.” Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault—as if their mate did the verbal and physical battering. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.
 

The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.
 

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions.

In these relationships, verbal abuse creates pain and trauma and can lead to physical illness. Ongoing abuse is stressful, no matter how much one tries to ignore it. Stress compromises the immune system leaving the abused person vulnerable to a host of illnesses. Back pain and exhaustion are often the first symptoms.

On the other hand, people can occasionally feel so upset or frustrated that they say something that is abusive, but when they realize how they’ve come across they apologize and say what they mean in a non-abusive, healthy, way.

If there isn’t a feeling of goodwill and understanding between two people in their relationship, if one is hurting and feeling constantly put down by actual comments, for instance, “You can’t do anything right,” You aren’t listening,” or is frequently yelled at, then that person is probably in a verbally abusive relationship.

Some people spend a lot of time trying to determine which gender is the most verbally abusive. I don’t think that kind of debate is productive. When I wrote the first book to name and describe a “verbally abusive relationship,” I not only defined verbally abusive relationships, but also was first to say that although the book is based on women’s experiences, "Men too experience verbal abuse." Now I am getting agreement. Some men are "coming out" about the pain and confusion they feel in a verbally abusive relationship. Several hundred of the approximately twenty thousand people I've heard from are men who are in these abusive relationships.

Some people think “You’ve got to learn to take it. Let it roll of your back, it never hurt me. I’m successful.” But one might ask,

Does being verbally abused make someone a better, healthier person?


Patricia Evans books, read with tears of relief, a couple of few ago, with enlightenment and answers, to my life long bewilderment.

Controlling People, and Verbally Abusive people, do harmful damage; to one's emotional health and well being.

My own personal view is that Words can either Build or Destroy.

From personal life experience.  Leah x

[Leah]

Verbal Abuse, Religion and Truth

by Patricia Evans

Can a person be truly religious and still indulge in verbally abuse behaviors on a regular basis?         I don’t think so.
 
The religious person seeks truth.
 
The verbally abusive person denies truth.
 
In some way all verbal abuse is a lie.
 
There are millions of people on planet Earth organized into many groups that feel united in their way of being harmonious with God. These groups compose the religions of the world.
 
I think of religion as a way-of-being, of holding convictions, and of standing by principles deemed good or God-like. Unfortunately, a person may pretend to be an all knowing God rather than to be God-like--good and true.

Pretending to be a God is like pretending to know all things and therefore to have the power to define another person. "You’re a.... You’re just trying to...." ..........

............... Declaring the reality of another person is certainly not good, true, or god-like. It is verbally abusive. Because it is like playing God, it is like taking the name of God in vain.



Following are six of the worlds great religions. They are listed in alphabetical order..... they tell us about the way a truly religious person treats others:
 

Buddhism
Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
 
Christianity
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you
 
Hinduism
Do not unto others what would cause you pain if done to you.
 
Islam
No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.
 
Judaism
What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man.
 
Taoism
Regard you neighbor’s gain as your own gain and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.

[Hermes]

And.... all too often, leads to physical violence.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

[Hermes]

The Surgeon General has declared Domestic Violence as the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44; more than rapes, muggings, and car accidents combined.

Nearly one-third of all women murdered in the US in 1998 were killed by a current or former intimate partner; guns were used in almost two-thirds of the homicides (Homicide Trends in the US, 2001).


However, the intent of the verbal abuser is to cause this hurt. After a time, verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse.

Verbal abuse is a form of battery that involves the use of words, rather than blows and punches. In a verbally abusive situation, words are used to attack, control, and inflict harm on another person. Verbally abusive behavior goes far beyond mean behavior; it involves inflicting psychological violence on another person, attacking the very nature of an individual's being and attempting to destroy his or her spirit. Verbal abuse can affect people of all ages and in all types of relationships. However, it is especially prevalent in marital relationships.

[Hermes]

Hello to all:

This could be a useful link.  Covers a lot of stuff.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/11.shtml

Best wishes
Hermes

[Leah]

Patricia Evans has her own Verbal Abuse website http://www.verbalabuse.com/7.shtml

Controlling People book also.

Highly recommend, includes a Bulletin Board.

 
 
VERBAL ABUSE info ......

    IN GENERAL
    IN RELATIONSHIPS
    IN SCHOOLS
    IN THE WORKPLACE
    AND CHILDREN
    AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
    AND THERAPY
    AND MEDIA/ARTS
    AND RELIGION
    AND SPORTS
    AND THE COURTS
    FAQ


Patricia Evans books; "Verbal Abuse in Relationships" and "Controlling People" ........ truly, saved my heart and soul.

Love to all,

Leah x

[Leah]

Verbal Abuse and its Devastating Impact

By Patricia Evans

     Verbal Abuse is insidious.
     
     Verbal Abuse is endemic.
     
     Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.
     
     Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making
     
     Verbal Abuse usually occurs in secret.

If you've heard,
     "You're Too Sensitive"
          you've heard verbal abuse.

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years.

They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse - specially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them.

Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind.  In other words, they may act out their anger.


The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it.

In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not.

[Leah]

Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including:

     Abusive anger

     Criticizing

     Name-calling
     
     Threatening

     Blaming

     Accusing

      Passive-aggressive:  (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

           * Put-downs
           * Sarcasm
           * Insults
           * Rudeness
           * Sabotage
           * Intimidation
           * Belittling Remarks


That "Sticks and Stones" rhyme is a myth, it is a lie.

Verbal Abuse is insidious and cruel.

Personal life endurance tells me so.

Love to all,

Leah x


http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=7045.msg113368#msg113368

[SilverLining]

The Patricia Evans book was a revelation to me.  For years, I and my siblings tried to figure out what was wrong with our FOO with little success because there weren't a lot of instances of obvious overt abuse. We knew there were problems but just couldn't pin it down.  My father doesn't name call, yell, hit, or otherwise fit the movie profile of an abuser.  But he does almost constantly counter, ignore, discount, monologue, correct, e.t.c.. And there was little positive interaction to balance out the negative.  The cumulative effect of this treatment drove us all into depression and other problems. 

[Leah]

 
Dear TJT,

Truly, Patricia Evan's books were a lifesaver, and yes, a complete eye opening revelation. 

Yes!  I can identity with the bewildering; Countering, Ignoring and Discounting.   Though no understanding the why and wherefore.

Indeed, the entire endurance was in effect crazymaking and a constant squashing, deliberately, of one's inner self.


Dear Izzy,

Patricia Evan's books solved a life mystery for me, much better than Agatha Christie!

Thank you ever so much for signposting the website, complete with downloadable brochure, this is a new site for me.

Truly grateful. 


Love, Leah

[Leah]

Oh my goodness (((( Izzy ))))

You have signposted me to what I have been searching for ...... for so long ..... I have never yet seen my experience written in such a way as this ........


They believe they are superior. That women are subordinate to them ( Patriarchy ). Verbal violence is hostile aggression. The perpetrator is not provoked by his mate. It is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice he does it because he gets away with it; to maintain power and control - he does it to break her spirit. Soul murder. Spiritual violence. Spiritual warfare - & he wants to win.

That's my exXNH did ........ all of it ......... I had to submit to him ....... under the "Patriarchal" system.

His verbal violence ...... and that is the word, the very word, was pitched against me in order to Murder my Soul.

He did succeed for a considerable time in breaking my spirit, as i slowly died inside.

God bless you, Izzy.

Truly, so very sincerely grateful.

Love, Leah x


PS >>>>my name was moved from our greetings cards, from first place, to last, after our young son.

[Leah]

Thanks, Izzy

Have had a read (as I have no prior knowledge of any 12 steps programs) and noted the difference between both sets of 12.

Remarkable.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Thank you so much for posting this Leah; I will read more of Patricia Evans' work now. She really makes a lot of sense to me.

X Bella

[Leah]

Thank you, Bella

I find Patricia Evans, straightforward and clear, which is what I appreciate.

Leah x

[Leah]

The Problem

Unrighteous Dominion

In adult couple relationships verbal, physical, emotional, economic, spiritual, psychiatric, psychological, sexual, violence is a gender issue. 

Men who abuse believe they have a “right” to dominance. They believe they are superior. That women are subordinate to them ( Patriarchy ).

Verbal violence is hostile aggression. The perpetrator is not provoked by his mate. It is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice he does it because he gets away with it; to maintain power and control - he does it to break her spirit.

Soul murder. Spiritual violence. Spiritual warfare - and he wants to win.

He has a tremendous sense of entitlement - he sees himself as special, unique, a tragic/ happy -go- lucky hero.

Verbal violence becomes more intense over time. He rarely, if ever, seems to want to share his thoughts or plans with us, threatens abandonment (“abandonment talk”- LOOK AT YOU, YOU are a very sick women, YOU are crazy, It’s never going to work, It’s only a matter of time) or tells us to leave if we don’t like it. Shuts down, withdraws, punishes.

Verbal violence always discounts the partner’s perception of the abuse (if he’s been choking, kicking, kneeing, throwing, spitting, pinching, pushing, burning , stabbing , pulling , shoving, tripping, slamming doors in our face-he’ll ask have I ever hit you? or he’s just telling the truth, we are too sensitive, or he was just joking).

He will exclude us, keep his back to us, he’ll pretend he doesn’t notice us, that we’re not there, that we don’t exist.

Has us follow or chase (run) after him. Constantly criticizes & belittles us. He won’t bathe, shave, or clean up after himself.

Leaves things unfinished. He controls all the finances. If we are the provider he will do everything possible to run us into debt, bankruptcy, or some kind of ruin.

He will not repay what he owes, has borrowed, or has stolen. He rarely contributes.

He doesn’t know how to give.

He seems to take the opposite view from us on almost everything we mention. 

His view is not qualified by I think or I feel as if our view were wrong and his were right.

He will leave us or put us (and our children) out in the middle of the night without clothing, food, water, transportation, money, he will let us take the “rap” if it will get him off the hook.

He will leave us holding the bag. He never lives up to his agreements.

He adds to our life burden. He is a bully and a tyrant. He needs to destroy us.


They believe they are superior. That women are subordinate to them ( Patriarchy ). Verbal violence is hostile aggression. The perpetrator is not provoked by his mate. It is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice he does it because he gets away with it; to maintain power and control - he does it to break her spirit. Soul murder. Spiritual violence. Spiritual warfare - and he wants to win.

That's exactly what my ex NPD H did to me, as I had to submit to him, under the "Patriarchal" system. 

It was all about Dominion - Power and Control.

His Verbal Violence was pitched against me in order to Murder my Soul and he did succeed for a considerable time, in breaking my spirit, as I slowly died inside.

I have never yet seen my experience written in such a way as in the above article, and I remain, truly grateful, and inwardly liberated.

The very reason why I wish to Guard my Soul, Guard my Heart, hereon.

Leah x