This is from Laura's thread about passive aggression. I felt the need to point it out because I tend to speak up a lot and assert in my defense as well as I tell it like it is. -- This has caused some tension here and I tend to beat myself up about it because of my history, patterns with FOO stuff. But I needed to speak up again and when I read this it was a relief.
Why Don't We Act Assertively?
While there are many reasons we avoid being assertive, the main reason is that most of us have a high need for approval. We don't stand up for ourselves because we feel the person with whom we are being assertive will dislike or reject us in some way.
The truth of the matter is that assertiveness will be met with disapproval by others at times. Anytime we dare to stand up for how we feel or what we believe is right, the potential is there for others to resent us for doing so and put us down in some way.
The life of Christ is a perfect example of assertiveness. He assertively told His parents He must be about His Father's business. He assertively confronted the disciples when they got out of line. He often was quite assertive with the rulers and leaders of His time. The assertive style of Christ led to some strong reactions at times, even to the point that He was put to death. But He didn't back off just because some people didn't like what he was saying or doing. We need to accept the fact that we will not be liked or accepted by everyone all the time. We can ask the Lord Jesus Christ to make us resilient people.
This above was very validting for me as I tend to be very assertive and direct about what I feel and what I think with people.
I had a boss once who was also in AA and a Christian, this was about 12 years ago, she taught me about assertive behavior. I used to tell her how afraid I was to speak my truth to someone. For example, there was another girl that worked with me that used to talk to me in a belittling way. I used to fell yucky whenever spoke to me. Her behavior was subtle and I used to think all was my fault, I assumed her belittlement was about me.
When I told my AA boss friend she told me to go and talk to her -- directly. I was like, "what??" I used to run and hide from conflict or I would passively remark back or give the cold shoulder. My AA boss said that behavior was no longer an option, I had to be honest with the girl who belittled me, my AA friend gave me the words:
(In a gentle and kind tone, no shame)
"Hey I apologize for not saying something earlier. It feels uncomfortable for me when things are said by you to me -- I feel as though you may have a problem with me, is there anything that we can work out?"
Her response -- (in snotty tone) "no. I have no idea what you are talking about." It must be your problem."
My response -- I don't feel that's true. I want to be spoken to in a respectful tone.
Her response: Whatever...OK. (from there on out she was super nice and respectful to me, always)
That was a good example and my practicing being assertive helped to strengthen my assertive muscle. I got to see that others will respect me for not being a doormat.
I have found the above from the article to be true though. Many people do react strongly and unfavorably to assertiveness. When people are direct and assertive with me, I respect them. When people are passive -- I can stand it.
I've been told that the truth usually provokes a violent reaction from people and I have seen it happen many times, especially growing up with an N mom. Everytine I stood up for myself her reaction was violent, Juvenal hall, insane asylum. I'll never forget the day the judge told my mom that she was unfit to be a parent. My mom's defense was:
"But I have:
"fed her
clothed her
taken her to doctors appointments
paid for braces on her teeth
provided shelter for her"
etc...
Not once did she ever speak about my emotional needs. My case worker leaned over and whispered in my ear, as my mom was ranting and raging, and said, "don't worry the judge is not going to let you go back to her... You are safe now."
Lise
