Considering: why do some people try to refuse help?

[Hopalong]

That's interesting, Axa...that the gift-fiving isn't about you. I think it's a mix in most (benign, non-N) cases. Partly, the giver feels a surge of pleasure imagining giving the gift to the givee. Partly, the giver feels pleased with her/himself for her generosity.

I know when I gave gifts to NMom she so often dumped a blanket over my pleasure by saying, You shouldn't have, and frowning at the gift. I finally got assertive about it and would say, "When you say that, you take away my pleasure in giving you a gift!" Didn't make much of a dent, of course, but she'd look kind of...curious, about that point.

Could've saved myself a lot of money over the years if I'd taken her literally.

Hops

[Leah]

This is an interesting thread, many thanks Laura

I enjoy choosing a gift for a friend and have been complimented on how I take care in choosing something apt and meaningful for a person.

A couple of years ago, a dear friend of mine of several years -- seemed pleased with her birthday gift, which tied in nicely with her hobby, the reason for my choice of gift for her.  She thanked me with a face that had lit up and was really pleased with my gift -- so I perceived that all was well.  We happily went out for a birthday meal and enjoy chatting away about this and that, when all of a sudden she blurted out;  "some people only give nice gifts to buy a friendship" 

Her facial expression and tone of voice matched her words.       At that point we had been close friends for 9 years!!!

Stunned is an understatement -- I felt bewildered.  I was voiceless in the situation. 

From that day on:  she ceased presenting me with a gift (xmas / birthday) -- so then, I ceased also, as I simply did not know what to do.  We continue to exchange greeting cards.

Leah x


PS >     I would add that quite simply, in acceptance, I simply accept her thoughts and actions, as her own -- and act with respect.

[reallyME]

CB: Laura, there is no shame in NOT saying what you are thinking, if saying it will hurt someone else. 

I agree.  There are times to not blurt out something hurtful to a child or a well-meaning person.

I was referring to the Be true to God, self, others idea.

Saying "no, you don't have to do that," to a friend who started washing your dishes, when actually you are thrilled that they are doing them, is PHONY!  that was what I was getting at.

In that case, it's honest to say "wow, I appreciate you helping me."

I can see your points, CB.  It's not right to bring children into something so volatile as court, and there are times when you need to do things for yourself, but if you really had wanted your husband there, it was not honest to tell him you didn't.  I'm still not real sure why you are trying to tell me that it's ok to not ask for or admit what you truly wanted in this situation, especially something so stressful where a companion, as you said yourself, was warranted and comforting.

~Laura

[Leah]

Hi Laura,

Just a thought that occured to me -- are you referring to the adage;  " Let your Yes be Yes -- and your No be No "

as in being true to yourself, and to others?  Genuine and sincere.

> Not false, superfical, two-faced, phoney -- that sort of thing.

Of course, consideration and respect for the other person comes into it also.

Just wondering.  Compost as you may wish.   

Leah x

[reallyME]

Just a thought that occured to me -- are you referring to the adage;  " Let your Yes be Yes -- and your No be No "


Leah, that is a GOOD point.  I think it's also a good idea too, where able to do so.