As I was reading a post on this board today, the thought had occurred to me of "why wouldn't this person want a friend there with them through what they are enduring?" (this post is in no way meaning to invalidate anyone; it just spurred on some concerns I have. I feel concerned for the person whose post I read, but this is not directly in reference to them per se)
It doesn't matter whether it is: a person giving a gift to you, a person accompanying you on a journey, a person giving a compliment...
It baffles me when I buy someone a gift and they say "oh you SHOULDN'T have." I never know how to respond to that statement, which to me is very nonsensical. My first reaction is to say "huhhhhhhhhhh? why NOT?" Or, to just tell them "and DON'T tell me I shouldn't have!"
If I want to come join a friend in a hard situation...doctor appointment that they are scared about, for instance, and they utter to me "oh you don't have to come" to me, I find that irritating and false.
Ok, here is my theory on this stuff: Someone who is keen on using these types of phrases to act like they don't want the other person there or to receive from them, is using covert manipulation. I'm not saying that the manipulative person is evil. I'm saying that they seem to be wanting me to respond like this:
them: "Oh, you shouldn't have"
me: "Of course I should. you soooooooo deserve this!"
them: "you don't need to do that."
me: "I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to be there."
Basically, I think it's a covert form of manipulation to get me to prove that I care.
Another example is online in chat with some people.
them: "I guess you're busy." "you have a lot of other people who need you, I don't wanna take up your time."
And they want me to say "Noooooo, it's fine. I'm not busy. I can talk to you." or "you aren't taking up my time. I have plenty of time to spend with you."
A better way for them to say these things, in my view is:
Gift: "oh wow! look what you bought me! Thank you!"
Accompanying: "you came to be with me? HOW THOUGHTFUL!"
online chat: "Do you have a moment? I need to talk to you, please."
This is, in my view, a much healthier and comfortable way to communicate, rather than acting like you don't want something you really do, but feeling you need to save face, be polite or act like you don't want it. I guess I'm saying that I prefer to be close with people who act "real"
Just some thoughts
~Laura