Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
Hopalong:
Unread letters from Nparents, shredded, make really good mulch for the vegetables.
love,
Hops
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 15, 2008, 03:30:19 PM ---Unread letters from Nparents, shredded, make really good mulch for the vegetables.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Points noted.. all of them.
Thanks, Hops. You've helped.
Love,
Carolyn
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: teartracks on February 15, 2008, 02:11:32 PM ---
I also was parentified, and I believe scapegoated (though I don't understand the dynamic of how the two co existed) but didn't realize it until about two thirds through my recovery which is now in its eight year.
Kindest regards,
tt
--- End quote ---
Hi TT.
Maybe parentification is an unconscious dynamic (to them) which is then compensated by a more visible process of scapegoating?. I've seen something like this going on in my FOO. They parentify you, but this isn't comfortable at some level, so they have to beat up on you at the same time. It all fluctuates day to day making the whole scene into emotional chaos. One day they are dependent, the next day they feel like being parents so then you are put "back into your place". Seeing through the whole game is very challenging.
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: tjr100 on February 15, 2008, 12:40:53 PM ---
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 14, 2008, 07:50:22 PM ---
They are as religious about writing to me as they are about attending church... and in neither case is their any genuine relationship. God knows how I feel about that!
Carolyn
--- End quote ---
Hi Carolyn. I was wondering if you also experienced "parenting by mail" since there are so many other parallels in your FOO's. The letters from my parents (mostly my father) drove me nuts with their criticisms, self absorbed content, and no invitations at all to any real dialogue. I finally decided it was an extension of the usual pattern. For my father it was a way of monologuing on paper with no danger at all of reciprocal interaction. And he could tell himself he was a good father for putting the time in to write these letters.
Religion is a tough issue for me as well. I was required to attend church weekly for my early years, but it was obviously just a ritual. My father didn't attend, which made it more confusing. I'd like to find some sort of spiritual group, but my early experiences were so bad it's hard to get over the distrust of organized religion.
--- End quote ---
Hi, tjr,
Had to take a couple days before replying to you here because - of all ironies - a gigantic stack of letters from them just got opened here at our house.
After sitting next to the hearth for 2 months, just piling up, my daughter brought this tower of large manilla envelopes to me the other night and asked,
half-heartedly, "should I open these?" I said, "If you feel like digging through it. I don't." So she did.. sorting and separating.. piles of this, and that, just as she's seen me do with past batches.
And it hit me just now, as I re-read your post here - - it's not even "parenting by mail", but more like indoctrination... like we get from the political candidates
or some non-profit group to whom we made a donation once, 15 years ago. And it never stops. You're on... "The List".
I still haven't read their letters. Daughter got through half of them and quit. It's bizarre... copies of vfw and Am.Legion mags, envelopes full of jokes (some pretty questionable), even old cards which have been sent to him by some of his questionable friends - - as though - - what?
It's important for me to know that other people send him cards? I don't get it.
Monologuing on paper with no danger at all of reciprocal interaction - - indeed! It's so creepy... almost like he's trying to pour himself into me or my kids - - and not in a good, positive way!
He has this way... almost as though he worships himself and wants to tightly control our vision of him. At the same time, he sends this stuff which makes a mockery of my mother's perfectionism and n'ishness... like photos labeled "this is grandma's back yard" and "grandma's flowers which I planted, watered, weeded", etc etc
Leaves me feeling miserable.
I didn't even read them, and I still felt tainted... just by getting a glimpse of the rubbish.\
And the church bulletins and ultra conservative (only a select group of Lutherans have the straight scoop and will go to heaven" newspapers... he is still sending them.
This after writing that he "respects" my thoughts - whoopee - after I poured my heart out to him in writing about my relationship with Jesus and how much I've learned through our pastor/teacher.
Some respect.
He never asks anything about us, only keeps sending his propaganda.
okay, end of rant.
Sorry, guess I didn't wait long enough before replying... but yes, I understand.
And I have never gotten over my distrust of organized religion... it wouldn't be prudent. lol
oy
Carolyn
P.S. Hi, tt... I see you over there... just a day late and a dollar short, these days. xo
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: tjr100 on February 16, 2008, 12:56:14 PM ---
--- Quote from: teartracks on February 15, 2008, 02:11:32 PM ---
I also was parentified, and I believe scapegoated (though I don't understand the dynamic of how the two co existed) but didn't realize it until about two thirds through my recovery which is now in its eight year.
Kindest regards,
tt
--- End quote ---
Hi TT.
Maybe parentification is an unconscious dynamic (to them) which is then compensated by a more visible process of scapegoating?. I've seen something like this going on in my FOO. They parentify you, but this isn't comfortable at some level, so they have to beat up on you at the same time. It all fluctuates day to day making the whole scene into emotional chaos. One day they are dependent, the next day they feel like being parents so then you are put "back into your place". Seeing through the whole game is very challenging.
--- End quote ---
tjr, I think that's what my dad does in one of his mailings. The dirty jokes are his parentification of me and the religious materials are to put me back into my place as the lowly female who must be educated in spiritual matters by him. The blindness of it all is staggering.
Carolyn
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