Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
Certain Hope:
Here's some peripheral info I've gathered....
Millon identified several varieties of presentations for NPD (in a clinical setting).
These are: Amorous, Compensatory, Elitist, Fanatic, and Unprincipled
This is classic stuff, but I'm reviewing it with an eye to how these categories might be lived out by the shy, covert N - rather than the glaringly overt ones.
Since the Don Juan personality is the one that I think becomes obvious fairly quickly, I'll skip over that one and go straight to the features of the Compensatory N personality.
Millon observes that,
for the compensatory narcissist,
life is a search for pseudo-status,
an empty series of aspirations that serves no purpose other than self-enhancement.
Instead of living their own lives, they pursue the leading role and achievements
in a false and imaginary theater not related much to reality.
Should these pursuits totally lose their grounding in reality,
becoming increasingly an imaginary world peopled with self and others as in a dream,
compensatory narcissistic persons begin to deceive themselves in a manner not unlike that shown by paranoid persons.
However, whereas compensatory narcissists strive for prestige in a world composed of real people,
paranoid persons act out their aspirations in solitude. (As, I believe, do the shy/covert N's)
Because of the insecure foundations on which their narcissistic displays are grounded,
compensatory narcissistic persons are hypervigilant.
These persons have a deep sense of inadequacy at their core which they seek to hide by a display of (actually feigned) arrogance.
The hypervigilance is displayed, I believe, in the covert N, as an obsessive, paranoid state of defensiveness...
and the display of feigned arrogance seems to warp into an equally feigned humility, which is only unveiled to those closest... or those with a keen eye who observe the covert N when she doesn't get rewarded for something for which she thinks she deserves accolades.
At least, that's what I've seen. At some point the covert N begins to implode (or melt-down) when she doesn't get sufficient acknowledgement of what she views as her ultra-perfection in at least one arena of her life.
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 16, 2008, 01:13:04 PM ---I didn't even read them, and I still felt tainted... just by getting a glimpse of the rubbish.\
And the church bulletins and ultra conservative (only a select group of Lutherans have the straight scoop and will go to heaven" newspapers... he is still sending them.
This after writing that he "respects" my thoughts - whoopee - after I poured my heart out to him in writing about my relationship with Jesus and how much I've learned through our pastor/teacher.
Some respect.
He never asks anything about us, only keeps sending his propaganda.
--- End quote ---
It looks like you are under constant assault :( Sadly the content is all too familiar. My father doesn't do church, so his mailings have to do with science. It doesn't matter I haven't shown much interest in science over 45 years. If it interests him then it's gotta be of interest to the world, and anybody who declares otherwise must be stupid.
And I understand how hard it is to ignore the stuff. Somehow throwing it away doesn't seem to solve the problem. They put us in a no win bind. If we answer we are sucked into their weird reality. If we don't then they can feel righteously indignant for not getting a response, when they put out so much effort to "relate".
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 17, 2008, 09:35:00 AM ---Here's some peripheral info I've gathered....
Millon observes that,
for the compensatory narcissist,
life is a search for pseudo-status,
an empty series of aspirations that serves no purpose other than self-enhancement.
Instead of living their own lives, they pursue the leading role and achievements
in a false and imaginary theater not related much to reality.
Should these pursuits totally lose their grounding in reality,
becoming increasingly an imaginary world peopled with self and others as in a dream,
compensatory narcissistic persons begin to deceive themselves in a manner not unlike that shown by paranoid persons.
However, whereas compensatory narcissists strive for prestige in a world composed of real people,
paranoid persons act out their aspirations in solitude. (As, I believe, do the shy/covert N's)
Because of the insecure foundations on which their narcissistic displays are grounded,
compensatory narcissistic persons are hypervigilant.
These persons have a deep sense of inadequacy at their core which they seek to hide by a display of (actually feigned) arrogance.
The hypervigilance is displayed, I believe, in the covert N, as an obsessive, paranoid state of defensiveness...
and the display of feigned arrogance seems to warp into an equally feigned humility, which is only unveiled to those closest... or those with a keen eye who observe the covert N when she doesn't get rewarded for something for which she thinks she deserves accolades.
At least, that's what I've seen. At some point the covert N begins to implode (or melt-down) when she doesn't get sufficient acknowledgement of what she views as her ultra-perfection in at least one arena of her life
--- End quote ---
Very interesting. It sure seems to fit. In recent years I've come to believe my father is moving deeper into a fantasy world. Or maybe I'm just getting better at identifying the usual fantasy world. He seems to talk and act as if playing out a weird drama inside his own head. It's obvious real others in the vicinity don't exist for him, at least not as anything other than one dimensional card board cut outs. Others might trigger a response, but the "dialogue" is with characters in his own psyche. It's very weird to experience.
He maintains enough of a thin thread of connection to shared reality to not get himself labeled as crazy. The thread can only be maintained by living a ritualized, isolated lifestyle in a quiet stress free place. I've observed him when minor stresses come up, and it's clear he has a mini breakdown.
He's very paranoid as well. He lives in an extremely safe neighborhood in a small city but he's always worried about burglaries, carjacking, and other events that are very unlikely to happen. He won't even venture into a big city.
More pieces to fit into the puzzle..
Hopalong:
Hi TJR,
Thanks very much for all your wise posts lately...I'm learning a lot from you.
--- Quote ---They put us in a no win bind. If we answer we are sucked into their weird reality. If we don't then they can feel righteously indignant
--- End quote ---
I had this thought. How about setting aside 5 minutes a week for a kind of screwy-Tonglin meditation? That could be, meditate long and hard about wishing them enormous, profound gratification in their righteous indignation? Visualize and encourage and send white light to them for great, satisfying joy in their righteous indignation? Wish them successful righteous indignation!
I imagine once you finish that, you truly won't bother any more about what they feel...since you can't control it anyway, and this exercise would help you well and truly let it go.
Then you win! (Your serenity and mental freedom.)
love,
Hops
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: tjr100 on February 17, 2008, 02:15:31 PM ---
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 16, 2008, 01:13:04 PM ---I didn't even read them, and I still felt tainted... just by getting a glimpse of the rubbish.\
And the church bulletins and ultra conservative (only a select group of Lutherans have the straight scoop and will go to heaven" newspapers... he is still sending them.
This after writing that he "respects" my thoughts - whoopee - after I poured my heart out to him in writing about my relationship with Jesus and how much I've learned through our pastor/teacher.
Some respect.
He never asks anything about us, only keeps sending his propaganda.
--- End quote ---
It looks like you are under constant assault :( Sadly the content is all too familiar. My father doesn't do church, so his mailings have to do with science. It doesn't matter I haven't shown much interest in science over 45 years. If it interests him then it's gotta be of interest to the world, and anybody who declares otherwise must be stupid.
And I understand how hard it is to ignore the stuff. Somehow throwing it away doesn't seem to solve the problem. They put us in a no win bind. If we answer we are sucked into their weird reality. If we don't then they can feel righteously indignant for not getting a response, when they put out so much effort to "relate".
--- End quote ---
Hugs, tjr... I hear you. Thanks for hearing me. It's so weird to wake up one day and suddenly realize that your own parents never had a clue who you really are... nor did they care to find out. When all of this really began to come to light for me was when I quit drinking, over 3 years ago. That's what really broke the tie that binds... far more than all the religious stuff.
One item I saw in the miscellaneous stuff he sent (when daughter opened this latch batch) really angered me for a moment... especially in light of the last words of his to me which I willingly read, when he wrote: "I respect your thoughts... we'll talk about this more 'unter vier augen'"
I hate that expression... "under 4 eyes" - or face to face... because I know that with him, that means his whiskey breath blowing all over me, my back against a wall, sending chills down my spine, while he fills me in on his world-view, of which I'd had earfuls since birth.
Anyhow, what I saw in this last batch was a devotional booklet, addressed to my teenaged daughter, with his note written on it, telling her that she should read it...
despite the fact that he now knows (I've left no room for doubt) that our views of God and religion are extremely separate and that I am instructing her of those differences... telling her point blank that I view his belief system as a dead religion.
Seeing that, I knew that I could not read the notes accompanying all this other junk... because he could not claim to respect my thoughts and then try to stuff that down my daughter's throat.
There is so much more, but it's pointless to list...
and I just want to say that I'm thankful, to you, for hearing me as I put all of this together into one not-so-neat package... because I guess I just needed to rant a bit, to someone who knows the depths of frustration and hurt.
All that science stuff he sent you... I used to think dad was trying to make a connection with me the only way he knew how. Not any more.
It's more about pouring himself into you, as he faces his own mortality... so that the great and awesome "him self" can live on.
Years ago, it was about trying to force food on me, or drink... and when I'd refuse, his response was: "You don't know what's good for you."
At this point, I don't care whether or not he feels righteously indignant. Right, I say that... and yet I've never said aloud, "Look dad, I don't read all this stuff and I don't want it, so please don't send it anymore." Why not just say that? Because I don't want to hurt him.
Yes, I understand the bind.
Thanks again, tjr... might not feel much closer to a resolution, but surely there's one just around the bend!
(As long as we don't go around the bend tryin to locate it!!)
Carolyn
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version