Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 17, 2008, 04:25:01 PM ---All that science stuff he sent you... I used to think dad was trying to make a connection with me the only way he knew how. Not any more.
It's more about pouring himself into you, as he faces his own mortality... so that the great and awesome "him self" can live on.
Years ago, it was about trying to force food on me, or drink... and when I'd refuse, his response was: "You don't know what's good for you."
--- End quote ---
I agree completely. I tried for years to talk myself into believing it was a real attempt to communicate, but maybe just faulty due to lack of social skills or whatever. But that doesn't explain the underlying current of hostility and systematic refusal to register anything about me or my point of view. I can tell my father over and over I don't have interest in a particular topic, and the next time I see him he'll launch right into another monologue on the topic. It isn't a memory problem, since he remembers the details of his own preoccupations for years. And he regularly denigrates any interests or opinions I might express.
Maybe as they face mortality, the narcissistic project gets all the more desperate. They are clinging to their one little fantasy of competence and have to dump it on anybody who is willing to put up with it. Parentified adult children make great targets.
For me as well, a lot of things started coming clearer when I quit alcohol and other means of "self medication". Alcohol might have been an attempt to fill the emotional emptiness and deaden the pain, and without it I had to start looking for real answers. It's been a long haul, but it seems things are getting lighter.
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: LeahsRainbow on February 17, 2008, 03:35:47 PM ---Last year, I had to "walk away from the table" regarding interactions in a community setting with someone who is a scientist, and also, sadly, has some kind of personality shift/disorder. Not only myself, but, others too -- bizarre was, and is, an understatement.
--- End quote ---
Hi Leah. Yes science seems to attract a lot of unbalanced personalities. I've come to believe it's a power weapon for people such as my father. He didn't get into it out of curiosity or a desire to solve problems. At an unconscious level he just wants to prove to the world how smart he is, and science is a great tool for invalidating other people. It's now obvious to me a lot of what my father claims is just made up on the spot to counter what others are saying. A day later his "scientific" point of view can completely change.
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 17, 2008, 02:52:50 PM ---
I had this thought. How about setting aside 5 minutes a week for a kind of screwy-Tonglin meditation? That could be, meditate long and hard about wishing them enormous, profound gratification in their righteous indignation? Visualize and encourage and send white light to them for great, satisfying joy in their righteous indignation? Wish them successful righteous indignation!
I imagine once you finish that, you truly won't bother any more about what they feel...since you can't control it anyway, and this exercise would help you well and truly let it go.
Then you win! (Your serenity and mental freedom.)
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops. This looks like a great idea to me. When we find ourselves getting tied in mental knots over this stuff, stop and meditate, instead of letting it grind on.
reallyME:
This topic applies to my husband as well.
I have also been "treated" to "I never said that. Your memory is OFF. That didn't happen" from both my husband and my daughter.
Usually, with my husband, he will actually "think" he is saying something to me, and it never leaves his mouth...it remains in his thoughts. Then, when he will say "why didn't you do such n such. I told you I needed __________," I will say, "no you didn't." He will say, "I did TOO. I said _____________" and I will say, "you may have THOUGHT ___________ but those words never came out of your mouth.
At times, my daughter will say "no, dad. you didn't say that." He will then have to say "ok well I MEANT to say it."
With my preg daughter,Anna, I can ask her "remember when you used to show me how to do the "pop"...you used to dance in the living room and try to get me to do the dances with you from that era...." She will say "huh? you're trippin. I never danced for you. You must mean like YEARS AGO when I was about 6!" If I press it, she'll say "you're thinking of Carol (other daughter)."
So, last night, I asked Randi in front of Anna, "I'm trying to check my memory ability here...do you remember how you and Anna used to show me dances like the pop and other things from your era?" Randi said, "yeahhhhhhhh." Anna then told her "you two are NUTS!"
It's the same story with my cooking dinner. All of a sudden, nobody wanted to eat what I cooked, when Anna and Randi began wanting to do dinner. Now, if I try to make anything, I'm told "get out of the kitchen. Nobody's gonna eat what you make anyway, so you'll be cookin for yourself, mom!" When I say "don't you remember the nice meals I used to make" the girls will say "we only ate that stuff cause we had to. YOu SUCK at cooking. Let the real people who know how to do it, do it."
Even my husband says he doesn't remember me baking bread for him for years. To him, he has erased it all from memory. Even his sister said "oh YEAH I remember how you used to bake all those types of bread for my brother and me. He's nuts. He doesn't remember that?"
So, it's as though all the memories we had together, do not exist in my daughters' minds. It's like every day is just another day for that moment and the past never happened. It is very DISILLUSIONING living with people like that!
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: tjr100 on February 19, 2008, 12:35:23 PM ---
Maybe as they face mortality, the narcissistic project gets all the more desperate. They are clinging to their one little fantasy of competence and have to dump it on anybody who is willing to put up with it. Parentified adult children make great targets.
For me as well, a lot of things started coming clearer when I quit alcohol and other means of "self medication". Alcohol might have been an attempt to fill the emotional emptiness and deaden the pain, and without it I had to start looking for real answers. It's been a long haul, but it seems things are getting lighter.
--- End quote ---
Dear tjr,
Hurrah for the new brightness of view and lighter load!! I can feel these things clicking into place now, as though they're finally fitting and not just floating in position, ready to jump back up and demand attention over and over again. Talking with you here has really helped so much... thank you!
Sincerely,
Carolyn
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