Shame and anger - why do people make us feel ashamed for our anger?

[Gabben]

Hello Bella, and everyone:

Well, it is late and I am off to bed.  Talking about triggers.  I am SO reminded of the way my dear ex-NH used to talk to me, and it is just so delightful as in:


"""Hermes will you please read my thread and stick to the nature of what I am talking to here if you wish to respond -- Assuptions have been made, this thread is in jeopardy of being taken over in an attempt to gang up on me.

Please do not come on to my thread, a thread about my pain and hurt about my mom and dad's abandonment and the deep wounds that I am feeling, which was NOT triggered by you and bella, and try to gang up on me with Bella -- that is a limit, please respect it."""

Thank you,
Lise

Best to everyone
Hermes

Hi Hermes,

Just to point out the above behavior on your part --  it does not seem to be flawless to me.

In your post above, please not how you address the board, as if I am not present (but you know I read), then you try to use my direct and honest words against me  which is very passive agressive of you.

Then you underhand call me a NPD --- Not nice and not flawless - very rude.

I have made mistakes too -- but my behavior is not rude but more in line with honest and assertive.

I could not just let this go by.

P.S.
Your trying to slander me here as a N and asking the board for help IS ganging up behavior or relational aggression.

I don't expect you to REALLY look at your behavior here and your motives.

Just needed to get that out.

But, as I said on your communication thread, I am sorry for our tension and I will try to be more gentle, (walk on eggs shells around you whenever I disagree and want to express it).

Lise

[teartracks]

Dear Gabben,

I feel like my post to Hermes on the Communication thread triggered you.  I'm so sorry.  That was not my intention.  God has forgiven me.  Would you forgive me too?

tt

[Gabben]

((((tt)))),

As far as I am concerned there is nothing to forgive. You were just speaking your thoughts and voice, no harm in that. How can you control that I was triggerd and I am cerntainly not angry at you.

I appreciate your straightforward strategy here -- I'm glad that you spoke, I'm glad that you said what you said but this was just what I needed to say so that I can move on -- all OK

Love,
Lise

[teartracks]

Dear Gabben,

We know we've forgiven another when we no longer have a desire to get revenge.   

tt

[Hermes]

""P.S.
Your trying to slander me here as a N and asking the board for help IS ganging up behavior or relational aggression.

I don't expect you to REALLY look at your behavior here and your motives."""

Gabben:

I do not intend to engage with you at all.  Please, however, do not try to gas-light me.

Hermes

[Gabben]

I do not intend to engage with you at all.  Please, however, do not try to gas-light me.

Hermes,

Just giving you a dose of your own medicine.

Lise

[Hermes]

What can I say?  You need help, Gabben.

Hermes


"""Hermes,

Just giving you a dose of your own medicine.

Lise """
 

[Gabben]

What can I say?  You need help, Gabben.

Hermes


"""Hermes,

Just giving you a dose of your own medicine.

Lise """
 

Hermes,

I'm quite OK but thank you for your concern.

Peace and blessings to you.

Lise

[Gabben]

Oh Hermes -- one more thing -- Here, from :SAM VAKNIN


Coping with Your Abuser

1a) Insist on Your Boundaries – Resist Abuse

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

[Gabben]

Anger and shame are still coming up for me.

When I was abandoned at the age of 4 I thought my mom had left me because I was "bad."  Then 1/2 way through the year of her absence, I was taken to a psychiatrist. I knew that he was a psychiatrist. I knew that I was being talked about to him by my aunt and that she was telling him how bad I was because I acted out so much.

That traumatized me and set me up for my greatest fear in life which is that I was and will be rejected because I was crazy.

Labels of disorders have always been painful for me to hear. The label I fear the most is being told that I am crazy.

That little girl, at 4 years old, knew enough to put two and two together and think to herself  that the other kids, including my sister, do not have to see a "brain doctor,  why do I? It must be because there is something wrong with me." And it was right at the time when I was terrified of my mom ever coming back to me, terrified that I would be diminished from reality because I am crazy or something is wrong with me. That is just too much fear for a little girl of 4 to handle.

Lise

[Gaining Strength]

It is terrifying to be judged, excluded, rejected as "mentally disordered".

[Gabben]

It is, agreed.

Have you ever noticed that the mentally ill banish themselves from society? It is as if because they too were not seen by their parents, not acknowledged or loved enough that their deepest fears, that they will be diminished, will become a reality.

We know that what we fear the most eventually does become a reality. When we can see the fear for what it is and shine the light on the darkness then the fear looses power over us.

But the mentally ill do diminish themselves from reality, in more ways than one.

Lise

[Ami]

I am thinking that the difference between a "normal " person and the mentally ill person is simply that the mentally ill person thinks that they are abnormal for the SAME things that a normal person thinks is no big deal(selfishness, anger,lust , greed, fear etc)
  This is just how I am theorizing it ,now,in my own mind. What do you think?                Ami