Conflict and sadness

[axa]

Whenever there is conflict on the board I tend to stay away from it.  At one stage this would have been because of feeling triggered by childhood stuff, I don't think this is the case any longer, but I could be mistaken.  I think what I feel is sadness and want to use my voice to name this feeling.  I have no difficult with disagreement or challenge in fact I believe I have been challenged here many times and these challenges have pushed me forward in my recovery.  I just know the conflict leaves me with very deep feelings of sadness.

axa

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))))

I think the conflict on the board has helped me grow too. I don't know what is going on at the moment... I am sure I will see as I read forward. Mostly, I ignore those who constantly scream for attention. It is sad, but I think your sadness might be like mine - for something beyond what goes on here on the board. I think it is a sadness realizing that life is always a series of working through and picking up and moving along.

Love, Beth

[Bella_French]

I feel sad too Axa. To see a new member `savaged' by the group, as if we were a pack of dogs, is really heart breaking to me.

I mentioned this morning about how `triggering' that a `ganging up' situation would feel for an N-victim. And somehow that invited a flurry of personal attacks on that person, as though the idea of someone in pain is a license to kill. The group dynamic is really appalling to me.

I mean no offense to any one person. But the metaphor that comes to mind is a pack of wolves trying to take down a proud horse when they see they have injured its leg.

[Bella_French]

Axa,

I just wanted to say I am sorry for you pain too. Conflict reminds me of childhood times, but `group' dynamics like this probably remind me more of, say school? Or tv shows.
I hope you will be ok. It should settle down soon, I hope.

Beth, sorry ofr your pain too:)

X Bella
 

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Axa)))))))) Being able to identify the sadness and then to give it verbal expression is a very solid step of growth, I believe. My own theory is.... well, just think of all the other layers which sometimes cover the sadness... fear, frustration, anger...
and if those are acted upon (or acted out!) the sadness often lies hidden beneath... possibly never to be uncovered.

Beneath the sadness, lies.... ??  
A variety of acceptance, I think... something far more than resignation, and so much more peaceful, hopeful, and forward-looking.
I'm only just beginning to touch it... because, and to recognize that, for me, what used to feel like disillusionment and regret is becoming a solid foundation of reality on which to build.
Simply knowing that I am not personally responsible to smooth every path or to ease every conflict is such a relief that I'm much more able to continue walking steadily forward, even in the midst of a very large gust of wind (which is what conflict has felt like to me) and pluck little petals of grace out of the air.

More big hugs to you...

with love,
Carolyn

[Hermes]

Dear Bella:

Many thanks for your kind words, and insightful way of seeing the truth of things. 

A lynching mob is never a pretty sight.  And sometimes the sheriff is just not there to stop them. 
But anyway.
It is certainly true that one does learn what people are really like when they think they are threatened.

Hugs to you
Hermes

[axa]

Thank you all for your replies.......... much to think about.

Carolyn,

Your post resonates with me, though I need time to think about it but I am left feeling responsible for my feelings rather than anything else.  The pattern response for me is anger and feeling sadness and loss - real or imagined - is different.  Is this a lesson in "life is how life is" and the only thing anyone can control is ones own response whatever that may be.  I feel this is significant learning but cannot put my finger on it.

axa

[mudpuppy]

And somehow that invited a flurry of personal attacks on that person, as though the idea of someone in pain is a license to kill.

The idea of someone in pain is not a 'license to kill' but neither is it a get out of jail free card for subtle and not-so-subtle jabs at other people.

But the metaphor that comes to mind is a pack of wolves trying to take down a proud horse when they see they have injured its leg.

Oh, brother.

The metaphor that came to my mind was that one nettlesome, know-it-all  kid in school that pokes people in the eye when the teacher isn't looking, then squawks and plays the victim when the other kids have had enough.

mud

[Leah]

How about a thread topic on the subject of ......

" Apology Not Received -- Denied ........ and Mustering On Regardless "


Which is the crux of the matter.

Open apology on the board on "Censureship" and "Lack of Moderator" refused / denied / ignored.

So much talk of "lets ask questions, ask first"

No-one asked me why I deleted my thread, as is our free will choice, supported by Dr Grossman, on my regrettable choice of  inconsiderate topic subject, which only contained a couple of my very own questions re:  'Heaven'

[which were unanswered, as to be expected]


There is much more to this than met the eye, I feel.

Because,

All was required was;   a simple Question?  and an Answer.

Or, at the very least, an acceptance of the open public apology on the board.


Diffusion.

Not

Confusion and Chaos.

Leah x

[Bella_French]

Of course TT:) I hear you;  my comments come across as invalidating, and it is difficult to say what I mean without coming across that way. But I'll try harder. I know you don't want an apology, but you have it anyway, teartracks, because I like and respect you too. I wish I had better words, that wouldn't hurt, but could convey the meaning I am trying to express.

What I meant to comment on the `context' of a group of comments. I woke up this morning to seeing a `flood' of personal attacks directed at one member. And its the `flood' that upsets me, perhaps even scares me, rather than any one post.  I'm not sure how it could have been better handled, but I have some ideas. Perhaps people with questions regarding Hermes alleged secrets could ask, rather than accuse? Perhaps those who think of Hermes, myself and anyone else  as their mother could try to see that dissenting opinion doesn't make you pathological. Etc

Izzy, I'll hand it to you, you are a good sport.

I'll try to calm down now. I hate making people uncomfortable.









 

[Gabben]

Sorry axa that you are feeling sad. I too was sad when a thread about my FOO pain was hijacked by hermes a while ago, she wrote the following to me on the thread?


"What can I say?  You need help, Gabben."

Hermes


If anyone wants to see Hermes and Bella "ganging" just look at my thread on page 2 of the board:

"Anger & Shame why do people make us feel ashamed for our anger?"

That is one of the first thread's I've posted for a while, in pain and really reaching for some solid support. Hermes hijacked the thread, along with Bella, and then called me an N or a person with NPD...to the board.

All you have to do is look at the last few pages to see the dialogue between Hermes, Bella and myself.

It hurt.

Yes, as mud said, I'm fed up.

Lise

[Certain Hope]

Thank you all for your replies.......... much to think about.

Carolyn,

Your post resonates with me, though I need time to think about it but I am left feeling responsible for my feelings rather than anything else.  The pattern response for me is anger and feeling sadness and loss - real or imagined - is different.  Is this a lesson in "life is how life is" and the only thing anyone can control is ones own response whatever that may be.  I feel this is significant learning but cannot put my finger on it.

axa

Axa,

I understand. Can't quite put my finger on it, either... which is why my response comes out a bit muddled, yet I also know there's a key in there someplace. All I know is that I sense a turn in my own tide, as an independent force, which no longer need be swept along by whichever current appears to be prevailing at the moment.

Looking forward to hearing what you come up with after further thinking... very much!!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

So then I hear Hermes feelings might be hurt and I try to reach out to hermes with some compassion because I care, I am a hopeless optimistic who has a short memory for others mistakes. But then I get the following:


Forget it, Gabben, and please FORGET ME.
Please do not address yourself to me.  And the same goes for your sidekicks.  

I hate bullies, and I hate bullying.  I can understand that people might have had a bad, abusive childhood, which might lead them to think that bullying others (or worse, calling others insane, aka "gaslighting") is normal behaviour.  I shall therefore assume that is/was the case.  However, I did not expect to find this type of behaviour on a support board.

I have nothing further to say.
Hermes


OUCH!

I'm not sad -- I am hurt and frustrated. For the last few weeks I have been sidestepping around the board wondering when Hermes is going to hurt me again. Just like my "Malignancy" thread, it is as if I shut my eyes for a split second and I forget the damage that can be done.

[Leah]

In all honesty, and sincerity, I am indebted to this board, for the rich experience, with knowledge, insight and understanding of

just how complicated and diverse, us mere humans are!!!   

Sincerely,

Leah x


I am personally responsible and accountable for my own thoughts and actions with a desire to have consideration of others.

[with healthy emotional boundaries]

The key is ownership and integrity.

[Hermes]

I have nothing further to say on this matter, except to echo what Bella has kindly and supportively said in her posts.  I don't think Bella is so stupid as to support someone (me) if I am the sort of dreadful person the "pack" seem to think I am.  
The odd thing is that I am the one who was attacked, wholesale, for merely asking why a thread could be completely deleted by a member (and not by a moderator).  I only ASKED!!!!!  Look at my first post asking this question.  I was jumped on for DARING to question why a thread could be deleted.

However, I do not think that is the real reason for the attack on me.  Maybe you people just do not like me, and I did get that impression from let us say, week one.....

However you cannot attack someone, and not expect him/herself not to counter that attack.  

Hermes