Saturday evenings....thank you Hops

[write]

is it me or are Saturday evenings a bit weird? I didn't want to go out, and spent my evening with son, but some part of me feels restless....

It wouldn't take much for me to sink into a miserable mood on Saturday evenings.
A friend told me she can't go home to a darkened house late at night, avoids it unless she plans to jump straight into bed, because she gets in the doldrums for some reason.
Maybe it's the same thing.

I came on here for a bit- despite my intention not to.
My comfort habits are struggling to be dampened...

*

Thank you Hops for your warning about hooking up with another NPD immediately after divorce.
I saw that guy at church today- my goodness is he NPD character to a T so far: moody, charming, furious, rude, delightful, posturing...& so inconsistent I am not going to even talk to him any more on a personal level.

I think he engages lots of women simultaneously too, they all seem to compete for his attention.
One was crying today and there's a group who hang around him now and seem to be constantly creating drama and tension.
They all seem to be competing for his attention, then one day when they were all there he was really affectionate with me, I didn't realise at first but he was provoking a reaction with them.
Yuk, I stopped liking him then- nothing charming about intentional cruelty. One woman looked like her heart would break, today she was his 'favoured one' at a big rehearsal, she looked so happy again...but I think I know the pattern now...

I tackled him a few weeks ago about whether he was or was trying to engage me romantically, since he gave so many mixed messages, he wouldn't give a straight answer so I told him I was seeing someone else & that if we are still going to work together it's best to maintain a professional courteous relationship. Since then he's been mostly moody and angry when we had to meet, though one day he was all charming again...he's kind of like my ex. A rule is unbearable it seems...

He's been very attractive to me- more even than ex was- if Hops hadn't detailed her story I'm sure I would have been blindsided.

The NPD relationship is a pattern I really would like to break.
I'm horrified by how easily I step back into role...

Eharmony is helping, I am being very thoughtful and not even considering someone whose values and interests don't match mine, looking at those things before gazing into someone's eyes or doing some kind of 'connection' is definitely a big step forward for me.

*

Ex heard my latest music, he cried and said it was wonderful.
He told me he loves me and always has, I said well you didn't act like it and he gave me a hug and said 'you have to understand- I am limited'.
So a sort of closure there, I told him I am going to date someone else and he didn't seem too bothered, our co-parenting is mostly going okay.
Until it changes, shifts, erupts...but there's nothing I can do only take it one day at a time.

I'm tired, think I'll go walk and then sleep.

Thanks for reading anyone who does!

Hope all are well, love to everyone

~Write

[Hermes]

"""They (women) all seem to be competing for his attention, then one day when they were all there he was really affectionate with me, I didn't realise at first but he was provoking a reaction with them."   Write

IMO this says more about those women than it does about this jerk.

All the best
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Oh!!  Yes.  Be careful.  I remember on several occasions vying for a man's attention.  My exH was one.  He had me, a girlfriend and a former girlfriend all wanting him.  I had to win and I did.  But I losts.  Because after we got married and finally divorced, I realized that he had been having an affair with the girlfriend that he cheated on with me..........

So as Hops says.  Run the other way!!  No one wins!!!

[write]

When I walked the dog I was pretty calm after, guess I've not been exercising enough, and I got back to my phone and a friend I really love had called at ten pm; I called her back and we had a lovely chat. Then I realised- the week before another good friend called at 10 pm saturday too! I'll let y'all know if it happens next week...

But I turned my mood around. I really am thankful for all the great things happening in my life.

IMO this says more about those women than it does about this jerk.

they're a lot younger than me ( and him ) I had wondered why he would be hanging around with them frankly, seems a strange thing to do, hang out with the youth. Unless you want someoen to idolise you...

I had to win and I did.

I don't feel competitive with them, they're so young, just children really; one of them seems to be having a breakdown, I know her grandmother and I am going to see if she knows how upset she is...I've written to her friend too.

It's true women will compete though, one of my friends told me she thought my ex is wonderful- after everything I told her we'd been through!!!
I guess we think 'it'll be different with me...'

Actually G_d knows what I think, except it becomes a firmly lodged thought and an obsession if I'm not careful.

How did you eventually find out about the affair Kelly?

Are you feeling better this week?

~W

[Hopalong]

You are so welcome, dear ((((((((((Write))))))))))))).

It feels very good to know I helped.
You are believing in the no-fusion stuff.

That's wonderful.
You're not confused.

(And I'm not surprised, wise thing.)

love,
Hops

[write]

You are believing in the no-fusion stuff.

That's wonderful.
You're not confused.

(And I'm not surprised, wise thing.)

the way I have lived my life so far wisdom has not entirely informed it...but thanks!
 

The interesting thing is the boundary I am finally setting Hops, I don't think I am totally balanced or right about him- but he's moved over into 'avoid him' and even 'don't like him' territory because I don't like some of the things he is doing. I don't like the way he is bhaving with me and it's making me uncomfortable to be around him- so I don't.

I've always doggedly refused to dislike anyone haven't I.

That's the bit I always tuned out and would have missed if you hadn't pointed it out, and you may remember I got a bit defensive at first.
But so many times I have let my judgement be off....given a situation benefit of the doubt or forgiven a person even when they weren't apologetic or even empathetic!

I think often I have confused my ideals and practicality- like saying 'I must not be prejudiced or judgemental- so I'll walk in the dangerous neighbourhoods!'

~W

[write]

my ex is sick- he has an enlarged left ventricle and rapid pulse, he's feeling scared and not being very proactive about it.
But he didn't drink beer for two nights.
I hope he takes it as a wake-up call, not the external imposition of 'rules' as he usually sees things....

*

my piece at the radio station was well-received, it's a good feeling to perform my work and make my friends happy; I'm exhausted though.

~W

[Gaining Strength]

I'm so glad your piece was well received.  That must feel fabulous!!!!

I am sorry your ex feels like shifting the responsibility.  I hope for his sake and your son's that he willl be able to hold on to the source.

[Ami]

Dear Write,
  I think that you are wise about the guy. All you" need "to do is ignore red flags and jump in. Then,you will wake up one day and be very upset with yourself.
  You are approaching it in a smart way,IMO.
 Saturday nights----I think that when we have our own core, we are more peaceful being alone. I have been there and am trying to get there,now.
 I need to go within and conquer the "enemy" within(self hating and devaluing). Then,I will be with a friend(myself) and be at peace. When people come in to my life, I will enjoy them,but not need them to define me, so pressure will be off, for me(and probably them-lol)
  That is my thinking,at the moment ,anyway.                   Ami

[write]

I am sorry your ex feels like shifting the responsibility.  I hope for his sake and your son's that he willl be able to hold on to the source.

thanks GS. It's worse than I thought, I found a used beer glass just when I was getting son up for school. I can't believe that he would drink on a day like yesterday then say he is feeling ill and not connect the two, but I guess that's denial, and that's alcoholism.

I'll get him to take care of some practical arrangements later in the week to make sure we can all function as well as possible if he continues. But the worst thing was I talked to son at bedtime, he hadn't seen much of his father last night he was at a birhtday party, and because dad's drinking is secretive now he said his dad doesn't drink much, he doesn't have a problem 'not like you did mum'.

He is starting to see problem drinking, daily drinking, as a norm. Which is how I grew up, and it does predispose you to alcoholism I think...pushing back the definition of it.

I can't discuss it with him yet, it's not totally relevant, and thank goodness I gave up myself, and he's seen me live healthily for a few years now...I wouldn't have a chance of showing him if I hadn't quit myself would I.

I'm so glad your piece was well received.  That must feel fabulous!!!!

it is a good feeling! Thanks GS.

All you" need "to do is ignore red flags and jump in. Then,you will wake up one day and be very upset with yourself.

perfect advice quote Ami.

You know- actually I can handle difficult people, I'm a difficult person myself! And I have creatively overcome many problems in my life. But there are two things I cannot live with in particular under any circumstances: an angry person. A person who does not want to overcome difficulties or change anything which needs to be changed to create happiness.

I want a happy space around me. I am happy- I need happy people to share it.

Saturday nights----I think that when we have our own core, we are more peaceful being alone. I have been there and am trying to get there,now.

I just picked up Barbara Feldon's guide to single living and opened it on a paragraph: we have to find the point at which solitude stops being fun and becomes a way down for us! ( not her words but she uses the analogy of the cartoon character who suddenly discovers they're walking thin air, and it's a long way down )

My friend says she can't go back to an empty house late at night when she is tired without being plunged into mosery- so now she avoids it where she can.

When people come in to my life, I will enjoy them,but not need them to define me, so pressure will be off, for me(and probably them-lol)

another perfect quote!!! Thank you.

~W

[CB123]

You know- actually I can handle difficult people, I'm a difficult person myself!

Write

I so appreciate this comment.

I think this realization is the point at which I connect with your posts.  You express it often, with complete acceptance, and I have found that that is such a freeing place to be (for myself).  I have spent way too much time in the past trying to categorize and change other people--and being anxious about my own "difficult-ness". 

I've even come to terms with my own willingness to let people remain in my life too long, simply because I see the other parts of them that are good.  I am learning to create stronger internal boundaries so they can remain "outside" my head.  I find that I can have them in my life as long as I'm not orbiting around them, or them around me. 

I just wanted you to know I appreciate your perspective very much.

Love
CB

[write]

Thanks CB. You are very kind. I appreciate your reasonned perspectives too.

My therapist says I have 'good ego-detachment'. I think that means you know what's yours emotionally and how to not let it think for you!
That's because living well with bipolar is all about detaching from feelings, working out what is mood swings, acting appropriately.
You remember I had a tough time with it at first, I completely detached from feeling for a while, especially on the big meds doses.

I find that I can have them in my life as long as I'm not orbiting around them, or them around me.  

what I am finding is- when life is fulfilling and even exciting, I don't need to orbit anyone or them me.
In fact as time moves on it's getting harder and harder to see where a partner-relationship would fit in my life...but I don't want to casually date because of how things affect my illness and also if I am honest for how often it leads to 'immorality' or other damage to self or self-image...

*

Got a letter from the guy who the music was for- he's an experienced musician and broadcaster, he loved it. They all did.

It's always best to be generous with myself I find- there's so much of me  ( going to be less now Laura is rallying a diet campaign!!! )

Love to everyone, better get off the computer!

Love
~Write