Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

trembling!

<< < (3/14) > >>

BlueTopaz:
Sjkravill,

Thanks for the compliment re. my board name.   It is my birthstone plus my precious little kitty’s name (Topaz) :-)

I won’t write more on this afterwards because I see that you mentioned you are in the process of slowly sorting your feelings through.

I only wanted to leave you with some things that you may find helpful to watch for, during this process.  

My H's changes are mostly 'realizations' which seem surprisingly insightful. They don't come easily (mostly after months without sex or something), and I am still waiting to see how long they really last. I am waiting to see if his behavior only changes form...

Usually, with N’s or those with N traits, the insight realizations are really “hooks”, and they come at times where the N feels their relationship stability is threatened, or where something they want/need emotionally is threatened.    This would seem to fit with the timing when the “realizations” come with your husband, as well.    Sadly, I’ve experienced that the self wisdom is really just a disguised way of stating the ever cliché “but I’ve changed”….

Quite awhile back, when I joined another board of those with N partners, I was so surprised to hear the exact same thing, over & over, as other people’s experiences.   Their N’s & xN’s said all of the insightful things, too.    It wasn’t long before a pattern was established, and one could see that N’s use their “new found enlightenment” as hooks.    Many kinds of general abusers do the same, too.  

My xN would say insightful things that would knock my socks off, and I remember feeling so awestruck that he had the capacity to think like that in him.  It drew me to him even more wildly.  I was completely wrong though.    The words always ended up being nothing but hooks because something was going on in the relationship (I was not putting up with his unfair tactics at the time), and old behaviors would always return.  

At some times, I think they are capable of genuine insight, and might want to change at that moment, and even believe that they can at that moment they are speaking about changing.      

But, it has to fade, I think, as that kind of change can’t be done on words and willpower alone.  

If you want to know whether he is serious, it might be helpful to keep it in your mind, that anyone serious about deep self-change needs a concrete plan, and needs to follow through on that plan in terms of starting it, and showing they are staying with it, within a reasonable/fairly quick amount of time.   Other than that, the person is either probably not ready, or not wanting to make serious changes.

I just wanted to mention those things for your consideration at this important time of decision for you.  

I wish so much that I had more positive/hopeful things to say, and believe me, I wished the same when I was trying to reconcile & figure out what I should do myself. Having to stop dating N  nearly caused me a complete emotional/mental break-down (but good news is that one does get through it- I’m okay these days!).   I did believe in the mere self professed realizations without any other proof of self work, many times, and I was always proven wrong, and devastated.   Finally, I knew I needed to quit setting my own self up for the fall or I'd be a basket case soon.    But before that, I also needed to see for myself, as many times as it took, that the behavior would never change (without serious intervention).    

 I wasn’t married to my xN (not even living together-just dating) so I know it is different, as well.

As I mentioned, I really just wanted to write some things that you might consider while you are sorting out the whole thing.    

Best wishes & take good care of yourself.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: sjkravill ---I love him dearly.  I hate the idea of ending my marriage.  Then there is another part of me that wants to be free and I am not sure I can be free within this marriage.  I am slowly sorting my inner feelings through.
--- End quote ---


What does being free in a marriage mean to you? What does it look like?
   


--- Quote from: sjkravill ---My H's changes are mostly 'realizations' which seem surprisingly insightful.  They don't come easily (mostly after months without sex or something), and I am still waiting to see how long they really last.  I am waiting to see if his behavior only changes form...
--- End quote ---


Realizations are pretty shallow compared to actions.


--- Quote from: sjkravill ---As of late he has suggested we go to counseling together.  I told him I would be happy to go if he made the appointment... That was several months ago.  Some people are convinced counseling is necessary in this kind of case.  I still tend to agree.
--- End quote ---


Why wait for him to make the appointment? That seems like kind of an unnecessary power struggle. If you want to see a therapist, you can initiate the process without losing all your power.

bunny

survivor1:
sjkravill

You are suffering from PTSD...there is absolutely no question about it.  Read the thread i started a while back "does the n get her just deserts"....i too went through 4 months of PTSD...no sleep, no appetite, high anxiety, nightmares, energy tremors, (trembling) high stress.....compulsiveness....all issues that i never in my life had ever experienced.....it wasn't until i did extensive research on the web, read many books, joined two support groups, went to shamanic healing, saw a theripist weekly, that the truth arrived....i had an 8 year relationship with a malignant NPD person.....and was nearly destroyed by this woman.

In my human experience I have NEVER experienced such pain.  YOU NEED TO RUN and RUN FAST.....you will be destroyed by this man

Good luck and GOD bless you

Portia:
Dear sjkravill
As you can see, there’s a lot of concern about you here. Your posts are touching people who want to help. We care, we really do. We can’t come and see you, look in your eyes, hold your hand and talk with you face to face. All we can do is post back.


--- Quote ---I love him dearly. I hate the idea of ending my marriage.
--- End quote ---
I found your first sentence stuck in my mind overnight. Then I noticed what it was followed by. I want to ask:

What do you love about him? I’d like to know, get to know what he’s like. I’m curious. When you feel good, when you feel love for him, how does that feel….?

What do you hate in the idea of ending your marriage? When you think “we’ll get divorced” or “I’ll leave him” (which?) – what pictures are in your head, or what words do you hear? Are these thoughts overwhelming?

Learning:
Dear Sjkravill,

Whenever I read your posts, I get the feeling that you are such a kind and giving person.  I hardly know you and already I want the very best for you.  And it seems to me that your H just isn't the best for you.  Sometimes I think we become attached to people for various reasons, but if our own welfare is at stake, I think we need to detach and move on.  Trust me, I know it is not easy...breaking away.  Yet on the other side of it all, there are other people waiting.  People who are kind and do care about what is best for other people.  I want that for you.  

Please take care of yourself.

Learning

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page