Failure, Work and Need for Advice

[sunblue]

Hi All:

I'm feeling really bummed and sad these days.  The flu has hit me but good this past week so maybe that's what's been clouding my thought processes.

But I could really use some input, advice or perhaps just an ear about something.  As some of you know, I've been job hunting for quite some time now....It's been really, really difficult and discouraging.  It seems no matter how hard I try, I get nowhere.  I've had a few offers but they were not doable.  Recently, I got another offer.  It is not something I really want to do but it is a good job by most people's measure with benefits and such.  One side of my head tells me I have to take it, but the rest of me just feels like a total failure and loser and just sad because it is not what I want to do, what I love to do.  The last job I had was perfect in terms of the type of work, although not in terms of the environment.  I'm in a really competitive field so those jobs are hard to come by...but still all I can think of is I won't be able to do the kind of work I'm passionate about.

I'm feeling so very sad and empty and just lost.  I'm dreading the thought of having to take it.  I know I shouldn't...because it's a job, and money and all that.

I think part of my feelings comes from how I was brought up by my Nmom and co-d Dad.  My Nmom only values people who have important, professional jobs and who make a lot of money.  It seems everyone around me has good jobs in fields they want to be working in.  I just can't seem to get a break.  I feel like a total failure.  My work was always the only thing I had, the only thing I could feel good about it.  Now, I've lost everything.....

Can anyone identity with this situation?  Should I keep looking for something that is a better fit for me or just settle and try to accept it?  Ugh....I hate this.  I so thought that when I finally did get a new job, it would be something I could be excited about or at least look forward to.....

[Iphi]

Dear sunblue.  I think something you wrote is a real lightning bolt:

My Nmom only values people who have important, professional jobs and who make a lot of money. 

As long as we see ourselves through their eyes we will always be worthless and what we want will be worthless and what we happen to be doing for a job at the moment will be worthless.  If you suddenly had a really prestigious job and made a ton of money, your mom would insult you about it.  She might brag to others, but she would insult you to your face.  Even the best job in the world would not satisfy her, because of her envy.  You and I will never win their approval or appreciation that way or any other way.

Meanwhile everything we do will be low status and unimportant and we are unimportant.  This is poison.  This is toxic!  Our jobs do not dictate our worth.  And neither do our parents, though they have completely succeeded in brainwashing us that they do.

So.  I think you need to take this job. 

God I have felt just exactly as you do about jobs.  I've written before that I am stuck like a fly on flypaper in my line of work.  The field and my position in it - resonates with my FOO issues.  Over time become conscious of this resonance instead of unconscious, and I have learned so much and done so much detaching and cultivated other aspects of my life.  Yeah I still feel pfft about my job but you know, I am competent at it and I've put a lot of money in savings.  It has served a functional purpose and has been a vehicle for growth and for learning and practicing new perceptions, new skills, lots of learning. 

So all a job is - is a vehicle for survival, for change, learning, growth.  A job is what has made me independent of my dad - it broke me free of his powerful orbit.  For all my inability to say no leading to huge amounts of overtime - at least I got paid!  And over the past 15 years, though I am in the same job description - I have done so many different things with so many different people. 


Open the door to life.  Please please take the job.   It is NOT an end.  It is a beginning.  Let yourself out of prison.

[gratitude28]

Wow, Sun,
I could have written your letter a few months ago. I did not even get an interview... if that makes you feel any better. I have a Master's from a great school, a great work history and not one person called me back - for anything. Not office jobs, nothing... I am subbing now. I was feeling so low about it for the first months. I think exactly for the reason you said - it is not in any way impressive. However, for what my life is now (we are here temporarily), it is perfect. I have ended up at one school I love. The kids all know me and I get daily hugs - and, today, sweet Valentine's. The teachers appreciate me... they are happy to have someone with experience.
All this and I feel it is not 'special' enough for me.
How stupid is that?????
So, SunBlue, we are sisters in yet another way.
Is the job really horrible and boring??? DO you think you might grow to like it?
Sending you warm wishes and great understanding.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Please take it, Sunblue...
you need to move out of your parents' house and this is your ticket out.

Learn on the job, bring to it the best attitude you can summon, and look for life lessons in the small stuff.

Most of us aren't lucky enough to have found a job that's "right livelihood". But just to find your way to independence is such a giant step toward "right life."

That's where to start. It will so change your life to be earning your own money.

My two cents, with love,
Hops

[sunblue]

Dear Iphi, Gratitude, Hop and Phoenix:

Thank you so much for responding.....You, of course, make some very good points.  I have a couple more days to make a decision and in the meantime, I have another interview scheduled for Monday.  I don't know, it just kills me.  I go over and over and over it in my mind.....My identity has always been tied up in what kind of work I do.  Maybe it's because of my N mom and Nsis who is so successful.  The thing is the kind of work I've done and would like to do again is perfect for me....I just can't seem to find a job that will let me do it.  It's in a very competitive field.  It seems to me that everyone around me is doing the kind of work they want to do and being successful at it.  I feel like a complete loser.  I feel like I've lost absolutely everything.  I SOO did not want to lose this too.

And I've tried so hard at job searching.  In fact, for the interview I have on Monday, in addition to all the regular pre-interview stuff, I had to complete a very complicated 150-question profile.  It just seems like I never ever get what I want.  I really had hoped to get this one thing.

I try to get myself to think that at least it's a job, i'd have an income and health benefits...but all I seem to be able to think is that I won't be doing what I love to do and need to do.  It's like someone who is a teacher and loves to teach and gets to work in a school but only in the administration office....not teaching kids.  It's not the same.

I know this al sounds so ridiculous.  In this economy, people are just grateful to have a job.  I don't have anyone else to talk to so I guess I'm just using this board to vent.  SORRY bout that! 

This whole situation just emphasizes my feelings of failure and loss.....I'm just really sad right now.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts...Thanks even more for listening...and putting up with my crazy thoughts....

Sunblue

[Lupita]

You are jus leting your surroundings to define you. I do it all the time.

But, at least, good or bad, you have a place to stay if you dont get a job.

Some people cannot afford to think about it, just have to get whatever is offered because there will not be any place to go, or to stay, no family,  or help.

So in a way you are blessed.

Wish you luck, and since you have a place to stay and food to eat, you can, and hope you will, think enough that you feel satisfied with your decision. YOu have the opportunity to think about it, do it, and feel comfortable with your decision.

Wish you the best.

God bless you.