Coming face to face with my NMother

[mighty mouse]

Michelle,

You are becoming one righteous woman. You go, girl.

MM

[Learning]

Hi Michelle,

I had wondered what would make your m pick up the phone that day.  I'm sorry that your sil can't understand your point of view.  I agree that pregnancy could be part of it, but other than that, could she just be naive?  I don't know, I think it's ok to be naive but why wouldn't she still respect you and the boundaries you have requested with your m.  I agree with your decision to be wary of her in the future and I think you handled it famously!

Don't you hate that choking feeling when you realized it was him!!!!! I hate that feeling. So out of control. You said that you talked to him "oh so tersely". I was confused about what that meant - I am assuming that it meant you spoke with him but didn't give in to his games or say the script that he wanted to hear?

Yes, you are right.  I tried to keep my responses as short as possible and not give him anything to criticize or gossip about.  It is a choking feeling...a feeling like CJ said recently of stuffing as well.  Just stuffing all my emotions to the pit of my stomach.  If I would have just said what I had felt...that I didn't want to talk to him, I think I would have felt better.  And the worst part, of course, is now he thinks he's in again.  So now the phone messages are coming from him and my m.  They really want to see their grandchildren...before summer is over.   AARGH, they really know how to hit the guilt button.  I am ignoring them though.

Michelle, I'm so sad for you about what happened to you as a child.  I am proud of you regarding how you handled the situation on the newbie thread.  I really hope you will still find this board to be of help to you.  I always look forward to your posts.

Love,
Learning

[Learning]

P.S.  Bunny...sorry that I hijacked your word .  I knew I had heard it somewhere before after I wrote it but it just didn't connect from where.  I think maybe I am taking your words in a bit too much.  Sorry...again...perhaps that is another symptom of my own voicelessness.

[Anonymous]

Learning,

You flatter me by using the same word! No apologies necessary!  

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle,

Wow, the conversation you had to set boundaries with your SIL is great!  I"m going to remember that for when friends start in on me about MY SIL.

Some people are drawn to drama.  I hope your SIL is not one of them.  Maybe your brother will set her straight...he "gets" it, right?  Anyway, good for you for straightforwardly saying thanks but no thanks to meddling.  Hopefully she won't try it again--it didn't work so well for her this time did it?  

Hugs, Seeker

[flower]

Hi Michelle,

You stood up for yourself to the SIL very well!

It seems that we are around the same phase of breaking off from our moms and  having other relatives think we should come off of it.
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[MadameButterfly]

Hi Michelle,
I am new to this message board so pardon me for this delay in responding to your message of July 23.  I couldn't resist.  I do not know the specfics of your relationship with your mother.  I do not need to.  In my heart I know it already from reading your message.  I too have lived with a Narcissistic mother.  I divorced her, for lack of a better word, 13 years ago.  I have no contact at all.  In order to survive emotionally I have no other choice.  My life has turned 360* since and I could not be happier.  My life is my own now and I live it as I choose.  I'm now a Life Coach helping others do the same.
I guess my purpose in writing this to you is to give you courage to say YES to your life.  It only belongs to you.  Your mother has no rights to you unless you allow her to.  I wish you all the best in moving forward with your life.  Be strong and fight for your freedom.

[Michelle]

Pingent - I don't really hold it against her, but it definitely infuriates me.  Her behavior educates me on where to draw my lines with her.  She hasn't been through what my brothers and I have, so I understand it is hard for her to relate.  On the other hand, she should be compassionate and respectful enough to honor my choices which she hasn't.  I do cut her a little slack knowing that she still lives in the same town with my mother and has to live with her on a daily basis - unlike me (opposite coast).  I'm glad you were able to escape your N.  That doesn't surprise me that your acne got better!  Less stress!    Thanks for posting!

Bunny - Yes she is a huge meddler!  How did you know?   She likes drama and also enjoys the "high" of being in the middle of things.  

Learning - Yes, she is naive as well.  She will learn soon enough that I won't play those games anymore.     I'm proud of you for choosing to ignore your parents.  I know you have your kids best interest in mind!  I find it very peculiar how a simple phonecall makes them think they are in again!  Weird!  

Seeker - Actually my brother does get it, but he still lives in the same town as my mom so he's not "liberated" yet.  He is totally immersed in the crazy making and does good just to keep her away from his house occasionally, much less breaking away.  Small town mentality.  

MM & Flower - thanks for your support and encouragement!  Always love to hear your voices.  Hugs.

Madame Butterfly (love the name!!!) - Great advice and it gave me great hope and encouragement that things will continue to get better.  Thank you and welcome!

Thanks everyone - hugs to you all.