I haven't spoken to my mother in over 3 months. I am finally ok with this and moving on
successfullywith my life. I was not planning to have any communication - verbal or otherwise - with my mother at this time.
I called my brother this afternoon on his cell phone. It rang a few times and then his wife answered. I said, "Hey, what are ya'll doing?" She said "HEY!!!!! (almost excitedly screaming) We're just sitting here visiting with Michael and Amanda (My brother and his wife)". Confused, I asked "Who is this?" And she said "
"YOUR MOTHER" I was standing in the laundry room putting clothes in the washer when she said this. I fell back against the wall and slid down into a little pile like a scared animal. I could hardly speak or breathe because I could physically feel my throat closing up a little. I managed to squeak out "I called to talk to Michael". She said "Well don't you want to talk to your mother?" I said "No". There was a huge silence (seriously about 20 seconds) and then Michael answered the phone. This is the weirdest part to me:
Her tone the entire time was like it was Christmas - that sweet sappy tone that people use sometimes when they are truly giddy over something. Almost like my little girl's "sweet baby" voice. When Michael answered, I was out of breath and shaking by that time so I told him I would talk to him later and immediately hung up. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably and was really shaking up a storm. I ran and found my husband and told him the whole story. He was so proud of me and hugged me and just validated that he knew how hard that was, etc etc. A few minutes later her husband called and left this message "Michelle, I don't know why you are treating your mother this way but I want you to know if your goal is to crush her you have. I pray to God that you will just call her. She loves you and those babies. She loves all of you." Now, in hindsight I want to know how did my mother get control of their phone? She is a bully, so I can totally see her grabbing it or just seeing that it was me and answering it without their permission. I dread to think that my sister in law or my brother would allow her to answer it because they both know of the current situation and have seemed supportive.
But now in the aftermath of that episode, I feel very unsettled. I feel really proud and happy that I was able to stand my ground and go up against her one on one. I have never done that with her in person. So I definitely feel like that was a step of growth for me. But I tried to explain it to my husband this way: The feeling that I had when I heard her voice was the same feeling I would get if I were in a dark alley and saw a shady figure walking toward me with his hand in his pocket and something mysterious in it. That out of breath, heart racing, nauseating anxiety. Now, in the aftermath I feel very unsettled. The feeling that you have when something very troubling happens and it takes a few days to get back to "normal".
When I hung up, I felt so sad and I'm not sure why. Was it because I miss her? I don't think so. I don't really miss her - in fact - my life has gotten much better since I cut her out of it. Was it because I didn't like hurting her and having a confrontation? I think so. Was it because I am still afraid of her? Absolutely yes. My husband asked "Why are you so sad" and I replied "My heart literally hurts. It hurts to have to do that."
I learned some things from this conversation: That I am much stronger than I think I am (I stood up to her in person for the first time ever without budging or losing control of myself); That this is what I need to do at this time (I had such a strong physical reaction to even hearing her voice that I confirmed that we can't have contact right now - maybe ever again); That she is 100% the same (She answered the phone like we were best friends - and her question "Don't you want to talk to your mother" - takes the cake. If I wanted to talk to her I would answer her calls and emails wouldn't I?); That this is a really hard road and I need to let myself continue to feel any pain that may come my way; How important it is to have continuous sources of support (my friends, husband, this board) to hold my hand when bad things happen and celebrate with me in my successes. To let me know that things are ok and I am making the right decision.
I appreciate you all so much. Big hugs tonight for everyone hurting.
Love, Michelle
