Author Topic: Coming face to face with my NMother  (Read 5771 times)

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« on: July 17, 2004, 11:15:17 PM »
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 3 months.  I am finally ok with this and moving on successfullywith my life.  I was not planning to have any communication - verbal or otherwise - with my mother at this time.

I called my brother this afternoon on his cell phone.  It rang a few times and then his wife answered.  I said, "Hey, what are ya'll doing?" She said "HEY!!!!! (almost excitedly screaming)  We're just sitting here visiting with Michael and Amanda (My brother and his wife)".  Confused, I asked "Who is this?"  And she said " :shock: "YOUR MOTHER" :shock: I was standing in the laundry room putting clothes in the washer when she said this.  I fell back against the wall and slid down into a little pile like a scared animal.  I could hardly speak or breathe because I could physically feel my throat closing up a little.  I managed to squeak out "I called to talk to Michael".  She said "Well don't you want to talk to your mother?"  I said "No".  There was a huge silence (seriously about 20 seconds) and then Michael answered the phone.  This is the weirdest part to me:  Her tone the entire time was like it was Christmas - that sweet sappy tone that people use sometimes when they are truly giddy over something.  Almost like my little girl's "sweet baby" voice.  When Michael answered, I was out of breath and shaking by that time so I told him I would talk to him later and immediately hung up.  Then I started sobbing uncontrollably and was really shaking up a storm.  I ran and found my husband and told him the whole story.  He was so proud of me and hugged me and just validated that he knew how hard that was, etc etc.  A few minutes later her husband called and left this message "Michelle, I don't know why you are treating your mother this way but I want you to know if your goal is to crush her you have.  I pray to God that you will just call her.  She loves you and those babies.  She loves all of you."  Now, in hindsight I want to know how did my mother get control of their phone?  She is a bully, so I can totally see her grabbing it or just seeing that it was me and answering it without their permission.  I dread to think that my sister in law or my brother would allow her to answer it because they both know of the current situation and have seemed supportive.  

But now in the aftermath of that episode, I feel very unsettled.  I feel really proud and happy that I was able to stand my ground and go up against her one on one.  I have never done that with her in person.  So I definitely feel like that was a step of growth for me.  But I tried to explain it to my husband this way:  The feeling that I had when I heard her voice was the same feeling I would get if I were in a dark alley and saw a shady figure walking toward me with his hand in his pocket and something mysterious in it.  That out of breath, heart racing, nauseating anxiety.  Now, in the aftermath I feel very unsettled.  The feeling that you have when something very troubling happens and it takes a few days to get back to "normal".

When I hung up, I felt so sad and I'm not sure why.  Was it because I miss her?  I don't think so.  I don't really miss her - in fact - my life has gotten much better since I cut her out of it.  Was it because I didn't like hurting her and having a confrontation?  I think so.  Was it because I am still afraid of her?  Absolutely yes.  My husband asked "Why are you so sad" and I replied "My heart literally hurts.  It hurts to have to do that."

I learned some things from this conversation:  That I am much stronger than I think I am (I stood up to her in person for the first time ever without budging or losing control of myself); That this is what I need to do at this time (I had such a strong physical reaction to even hearing her voice that I confirmed that we can't have contact right now - maybe ever again); That she is 100% the same (She answered the phone like we were best friends - and her question "Don't you want to talk to your mother" - takes the cake.  If I wanted to talk to her I would answer her calls and emails wouldn't I?); That this is a really hard road and I need to let myself continue to feel any pain that may come my way; How important it is to have continuous sources of support (my friends, husband, this board) to hold my hand when bad things happen and celebrate with me in my successes.  To let me know that things are ok and I am making the right decision.

I appreciate you all so much.  Big hugs tonight for everyone hurting.

Love, Michelle   :cry:
Healing one day at a time.....

Anonymous

  • Guest
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2004, 04:21:02 PM »
Michelle,

Sheesh. It had to be traumatic to suddenly talk to your mom. It seems that in your family guilt is the currency (I can relate to that). Guilt is a powerful thing. I can't overestimate it; I have wanted to kill myself out of guilt, thinking it was the only way I could expiate the so-called crimes I'd committed.

You did okay. Your mother needs to question herself and why her daughter doesn't want to talk to her. Everyone so quickly blames you without reflecting on the big picture. That doesn't make you wrong. It makes them unreflective and in denial.

bunny

Anonymous

  • Guest
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2004, 08:17:13 PM »
Hi Michelle,

I must applaud you for handling this blindsiding maneuver of your mother's so well.   You handled it like a professional SWAT team taking out a sniper.  Way to go!

Quote
Was it because I didn't like hurting her and having a confrontation? I think so. Was it because I am still afraid of her? Absolutely yes. My husband asked "Why are you so sad" and I replied "My heart literally hurts. It hurts to have to do that."


She ambushed and confronted you, not the other way around.  Of course it hurts, but you didn't put yourself or her in that position.  And when it didn't turn out the way she wanted, that she actually lost face and embarrassed herself in front of your brother and his wife, well, of course hubby has to come to the rescue.  Again, many hugs and pats on the back for  holding your ground!   You sure surprised her even though she tried to catch you off balance.  If the sound of her voice causes you that much stress, there has to be a valid reason.  

Kudos for protecting yourself and honoring your feelings.  Tell her husband you are allergic to abuse.   :roll:   Hugs, Seeker

les

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2004, 10:23:23 AM »
Michelle - here is to courage, knowing what is right for you, trusting yourself, trusting your feelings and instincts and taking action to take care of Michelle!

I can't underscore enough how important these steps are even if they leave you temporarily slumped in a laundry pile.  I spent a few years withdrawing from my mother and only now with the help of the board, friends and therapy can I take her on but  first I needed to create lots of mother- free space to let the traumatized child emerge safely.

You mentioned your throat closing - this happened to me in a prolonged way, eventually resulting in surgery. There was nothing physically wrong, just decades of unexpressed feeling. Our bodies know always know what's up.  

My mother seems to have 3 voices, including the "baby voice" -perhaps 3 personalities too I don't know. Never know who is up to bat.

That dark alley -I know that too. Once I was alone at a cottage in the wilderness overnight. I was terrified. I tried to imagine the worst that could happen. Big bears, well that's scary, my mother knocking on the door - god, I freaked out! - nothing could make me feel more trapped. Learned something that night!

I send my support and fervent wishes that you continue to create and surround yourself with all the space you need.

Les

mighty mouse

  • Guest
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2004, 08:45:58 PM »
Michelle,

 I don't really miss her - in fact - my life has gotten much better since I cut her out of it.

As someone who has also cut my mother out, please believe me when I tell you that you will only get better and better. It's been over a year since I have made the firm decision to not talk with my Mom on the phone or in person. I will answer a quick email now and then in short, matter of fact sentences that give her no info.. But that's it.

It's been a wonderful year of emerging safely (as Les said), and it's been so good I wish I had done it long ago. But I guess I wasn't there yet and you do need to be ready. Please don't second guess yourself. Even if your siblings don't quite understand or support you, please don't look back. I think you did the absolute right thing and I applaud you!!!!!!!!!

P.s. I don't miss my Mom either.

MM

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2004, 12:38:46 AM »
Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.  It really means alot.  With each passing day, I am feeling stronger and stronger about the decision I made.  I think I was just totally thrown for a loop when I was forced to talk with her.  It was one of those horrible gut-wrenching moments that I don't want to ever have again.

Bunny - you are right about the guilt in my family.  It is how the "game" has been played for all these years.  I have had to "deprogram" myself from playing it with my own immediate family.  I'm sorry to hear that your family played the guilt game too.  It is crazy-making at its finest.

Seeker - you make me laugh and I've really needed it this week.  Thanks.  I loved the "professional SWAT team taking out a sniper" picture you painted.  It really made me take more pride in my accomplishment.  You are a great encourager - what a gift!

Les - Wow.  Thank you for validating my need for mother-free space so that the traumatized child can emerge safely.  You really have a way with words.  I also appreciated you sharing your story of the bodily problems you had (throat closing) due to the lack of expression.  I can totally relate to this.  Did the surgery help you out?  I hope so.  

Mighty Mouse - I believe you when you say that things will only continue to get better and better.  Its only been 3 months and my life has DRAMATICALLY changed for the better already.  How does your mom handle the limited contact?  Has she just learned to accept that or nothing at all - or does she still beg for more?  Just curious.  It's a true testimony when we don't miss our mothers.  I am still a little in the mourning part of that.  I feel really sad that things are the way they are but I also totally accept them and commit to making my life and my family's life better - that equals NO mother.  She hurts us all - I can't let her do that to us anymore.

Again, thanks everyone.  Big hugs all around.

Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Anika

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 27
Re: Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2004, 11:33:29 AM »
Quote from: Michelle
This is the weirdest part to me:  Her tone the entire time was like it was Christmas - that sweet sappy tone that people use sometimes when they are truly giddy over something.  Almost like my little girl's "sweet baby" voice.  


UGH!!! Doesn't that just piss you off!?!?!? I HATE that tone that they get: so cheerful and bubbly and you just KNOW they're up to no good! :evil:

Keep your chin up, Michelle. You stuck to your guns and you didn't give in to her. Good for you. So what if you cried afterwards? She doesn't know that and we're not tell'in!
"When 40-million people believe in a dumb idea it's still a DUMB IDEA!"

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2004, 02:00:51 PM »
Thanks for your support Anika.  I haven't seen you on the board before much.  Good to hear you.  : )

Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Dawning

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 344
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2004, 09:34:11 PM »
Hi Michelle.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  I decided to pull back from my mother at the end of March when I got absolutely horrifying emails from her raging at my happiness, my own personal right to have a dream.  Your story is an inspiration and I honestly know how difficult - but empowering - it is to do what you are doing and "stick to your guns."

You sound healthy Michelle.
"No one's life is worth more than any other...no sister is less than any brother...."

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2004, 01:14:43 AM »
Hi Dawning -

Thank you for your post.  I am so glad to see you around here.  I feel very sentimental about you - you are always very encouraging and have been so helpful to me in all this healing.  Thank you for that!

I have been reading more than I have been posting lately.  Just too much energy sucked from me by having to stand up for myself in these uncomfortable situations but I am finally getting the hang of it.  

I am proud of you for deciding what is best in your N relationship.  I am sending big hugs for your hurts and any sadness you may be having right now.  I know it's sad when things don't change.  I guess they force us to do the changin'!  Talk about pain.

Thanks again, your a treasured person on this board.

Hugs & Love,
Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Learning

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 86
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2004, 08:58:56 AM »
Michelle,

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that you have inspired me.  Big time kudos for telling mom how it is.  You don't want to talk to her.  My dad called the other day and I picked up without checking caller ID (God what is wrong with me?)...anyways...in my shock I was unable to deal and actually talked to the man but oh so tersely and it took alot out of me.  I wish I would have just said "I don't want to talk to you".  I hope that the next time I will have you sitting at the forefront of my mind and that I will just cut it off right away.

I'm sorry you had to be faced with your mom unexpectedly like that, but I think it did make you stronger.  And thank you for sharing your story!

Learning

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2004, 11:31:37 AM »
Learning -

Don't you hate that choking feeling when you realized it was him!!!!!  I hate that feeling.  So out of control.  You said that you talked to him "oh so tersely".  I was confused about what that meant - I am assuming that it meant you spoke with him but didn't give in to his games or say the script that he wanted to hear?  In that case, I think that is a huge step on your part.  For so many years I just spent my time pacifying her and meeting her needs.  I think it is a great step to start standing your ground - even though it does hurt and takes all the energy you have.  

I think the big reason I was able to really take the stand this time is because everything happened so quickly!!!!!  I acted before I thought about it - totally instinctive and intuition.  That was on my side.  If I had time to sit and think about it I am sure I wouldn't have reacted in the same way.  Too many mind games / guilt / manipulation going on.  

I appreciate your encouragement.  Pats on the back for you too for making the choices that are good for YOU.

Love, Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2004, 11:40:04 AM »
Update -

I talked to my sister - in - law a few days ago.  She said that she TOLD my mother to pick up the phone so that she could "fix" this problem between us.  She went on to say that she would NEVER treat her mother this way and she didn't know how I was sleeping at night.  Of course she told my mother these things as well so you only know how that set her mind off.  Keep in mind that my sister - in - law is pregnant and has been having complications with her pregnancy.  I told her (in a calm and to the point manner) that she cannot make the judgments for me because her mother has been very good to her.  She does not truly know my mother and therefore can't claim to have walked in our shoes.  I also told her that I did not appreciate her "holier than thou" attitude and that she can't "fix" anything that I don't want fixed.  I told her that my mother's hurt that day was partly her doing by trying to get us back together without my consent.  I also told her that I am totally happy with my choices and don't have to explain them to her, my mother, or anyone else.  

At least now I know how she is (although her hormones may be a little out of whack right now) and will definitely limit my contact with her as well now that I know her true feelings on this issue.  

 :roll:
Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Pinget

  • Guest
hi
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2004, 12:53:56 PM »
Michelle,

Try not to hold it against your SIL too much.  She apparently has never been through this and just doesn't get it.  And how fortunate she is to have been spared this!  My mom's N thing is that she knows everything and is always right. You can't just discuss a topic, because anything you say she takes as trying to disprove what she's said.  ARRGGHH.  When I was a teen, I noticed that the more miles away from her I was, the better my acne got.':wink:'   I am a happier person without her around and I don't often feel moved to call her or go see her.  She doesn't respect me anyway. At least not beyond, I'm-her-daughter-so-I-must-be-wonderful.  I get so tired of it all.  :oops:

Anonymous

  • Guest
Coming face to face with my NMother
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2004, 12:57:16 PM »
Michelle,

Your SIL is a real meddler, isn't she. Clueless as well. I'll cut her some slack because of her pregnancy but she is an idiot. You stood up to her famously!  :lol:

bunny