I found this on the internet and find the contents explain that it is normal though incorrect for a parent to blame him or herself. It is also clear that society (and individuals in society) often blame parents.
This is a lengthy article but I am posting it (slightly abridged) because this is such an important issue.
http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/pdfs/bpusasuicide.pdfSUICIDES uicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, ahead
of both homicide and AIDS. The highest numbers are in the 15 to 34 age
group. Statistics are small comfort to parents of suicide victims who now
face the loss of their child plus the heightened negative emotions which
suicide leaves in its wake.
Normal grief reactions such as shock, guilt, denial, anger, and depression will occur and are intense for
the families of suicide victims.
Parents often feel a deeper sense of guilt and failure than those whose child died in other ways. They feel they should have known what was going to happen, that they missed vital clues, that they are somehow responsible for not preventing the suicide, that they were poor parents.
These feelings persist even though most psychiatrists will tell you that if a person is determined to complete suicide, he or she will find a way in spite of anyone’s best efforts to prevent the act.Society’s attitude toward suicide often exacerbates the parents’ negative emotions. Generally speaking,
society frowns on suicide and
looks toward the parents as possessing poor parenting skills. They may
point at mental illness as the cause and scrutinize a family’s history of aberrant behavior. The clergy often
is at a loss to know what to say since many believe the Bible points to suicide as a mortal sin.
Consequently, they may be somewhat tongue-tied in trying to comfort. (Careful Bible reading will not
reveal that Jesus condemned suicide although most people do not know that.)
If your child left a suicide note, you have some understanding of his or her frame of mind. Without a
note, the question why burns more deeply. If your child had a troubled past or was receiving mental
health services, you may be able to conclude that medication was wrong or that irrational thinking
beyond his or her control led to the act.
The question why, with or without a note, will haunt you for months or even years as you strain to gain
understanding of the dynamics of suicide. In your search for answers you may read about suicide,
evaluate what you read, and apply what you have learned to your own personal situation. You will
examine your life and coping techniques, which is also a natural part of any bereavement. You will no
doubt make changes in your beliefs and actions. For many, a kinder, more understanding person will
emerge.
As time goes on, you will realize you may never have all the answers, the why will grow less urgent,
and you will finally be able to put it to rest as one of life’s unanswerable questions. You will not get to
this last stage easily or quickly. But hold to the thought that you will get there as you grow and heal.
For all parents, guilt and what-ifs go hand in hand with grief. The guilt after a suicide can be all consuming
for months or even years. You find yourself recalling every cross word you ever said, every
wrong decision you ever made, every turn of events you think you could have altered. At first it is
impossible to admit that you did the best you could given what you knew (your own level of maturity) at
the time. Do you really know a parent who gets up in the morning and asks, “Now let’s see what I can do
today to make this child miserable”? Somewhere in your grief you will finally accept that you did your
best, but if you didn’t, you will learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes, resolving to do better.
Forgiving yourself and your child is a big hurdle along grief’s rocky road and is a sign of the healing you
are striving for.
As you watch any surviving children try to deal with the suicide of their sibling, you may experience
anger at the child who died, at others you feel contributed to the death, at society for its attitudes toward
suicide, or at God for letting it happen. Society generally does not understand the anger that can go with
grief.
Even to family members, your anger may seem inappropriate, frightening, and upsetting. For this
reason you may want to seek professional help to deal with the anger, you may want to write down your
feelings as a way of defusing them without doing harm to your surviving family and those around you,
you may want to attend a support group of bereaved parents where understanding is abundant, or you
may be fortunate enough to have close friends or clergy who will listen non-judgmentally. Do not
swallow your anger because it will fester inside you and increase the depression you are already
experiencing. Rational anger is a healthy emotion which can be a steppingstone toward positive
resolution of grief.
Remember that crying is normal so don’t censure yourself for it. As a bereaved parent you will cry, you
will get depressed, you will think you’re going crazy, and you may wish you could swap places with
your dead child. These are all normal grief reactions.
Acknowledge that your surviving children, if you have any, need your loving attention after their
sibling’s suicide since that death may make them feel especially fragile and less secure in their ability to
control their own lives. They, too, will feel society’s ambivalence about the manner of death. Because they
are trying not to upset you further, they may be reluctant to discuss their true feelings. If they seek others
for solace, be understanding of that but do embrace every opportunity for honest discussion and
reassurance of your faith in them and your love for them.
At the beginning of your grief journey, you will think nothing good can come from the soul-wrenching
experience of your child’s suicide, but you can grow from your grief and reach a new understanding of
life and the way it should be lived. Other families have come to terms with suicide, eventually sifting out
happy memories of their child to carry in their hearts. You cannot, after the fact, change the circumstances
of the death, but you can change yourself for the better. Look for every opportunity to do that.
