I haven't read much here but I'm thinking I might get away with letting loose in this anonymous environment. I need to do that.
I'm getting too old to carry the stuff I'm lugging around. I grew up in a house that contained an alcoholic-psychopathalogical-liar-nacissist, a label that should exhist somewhere. That would be my diagnosis, if I had the qualifications or licence to give one. That was my father.
My mother was tormented, terrorized, abused severely, eventually paranoid and lost most of her marbles. She was a very good person with a lot to bear, which destroyed her mentallyand physically. She had her weaknesses, like anyone else. She died suddenly at the age of 63. My brother and sister appear to be a lot like my father.
I don't think I am. I have always tried to please and appease. I am "easygoing", I am often told. "Very patient and kind, generous and affectionate". I am "wise" and I have a decent amount of "common sence" (although I'm not a rocket scientist. I worked hard for any "A" I received and there weren't that many). "Average intelligence" was written about me. I know these things are true about me but I have a hard time accepting compliments (and the average intelligence thing was strange. What does that mean? How was that figure arrived at? To be honest, I may be a little above average, but not much, I can't tell. Still, average intelligence isn't a bad thing, yet it seemed to bother me when I read that). I have no criminal record nor do I break the law. I have a great desire to help others but I am not involved in doing so in my community (in any great manner, although I do belong to a small group that does small things). I don't think I am superspecial or any less than anyone else. I am a very positive person, most of the time. I do have trouble understanding cruel and jealous behaviour, although I am trying to learn. I just don't feel those things and I try really hard not to behave in mean ways to people. I've always been happy with the material things I've had and glad for those that have better and / or better relationships etc). I don't think I'm any more or less important than anyone else and I believe most people are good (or trying to behave well). My sence of trust is amazing, considering how many times it's been violated by those who would be expected to respect it. I basically trust people (but I'm not blindly trusting). My self-esteem is at a reasonable level but I carry this awful emotional pain around, which I know I must release.
I guess I'm afraid of doing so. I'm basically a gentle person and I really dislike all nasty expression. There was so much of it growing up and then, in my first marriage, to an alcoholic-narcissist. I spent 17 years of my life trying to please that man, which was impossible. We had two children together. One is showing many narcissistic personality traits and the other, I fear, is even more like my father. It is horrible to think about and face. I can't fix my kids.
I divorced their father and married a man who treats me like gold. He has many good qualities and we get along very well together. We enjoy eachother's company and we have a good relationship. We are respectful and kind to eachother and we laugh a lot. We both work very hard and are successful at what we do. We have a nice life together and everything between us was really good, including sex, until he violated the most basic and deep trust any husband could violate. He committed a sexual act toward my child (many years ago, when we were first married). This was brought to light recently. It was devistating for me to face and I wanted to commit a crime more that moment than any other in my life. However, I told myself not to. To be patient, to seek the whole story.
My child told the information to my sister (both of whom seem to be narcissists). My sister, first, called my close friend and then, the authorities. Also, my ex-family members. Then other friends of mine. She told many people about what my husband had done. She exagerated events, unrelated, and wove them into one story. She added lies. She seemed consumed with hate, which she fed, very clearly to my kids. She treated me like a criminal and demanded I divorce my husband (days after my learning of this past behaviour of my husband). She began calling my house relentlessly and criticizing, in a more than usual way, pretty well my every word, act and every feeling I expressed. She continued to spread stuff to all who would listen. She lied to me, telling me "one of your friends or neighbours already made a report" and that she thought it was my closest friend. (Who could I trust now? Which person reported what- about me??? I hadn't done anything wrong!).
My kids were being influenced by her in big and negative ways. She kept making plans with them, without my knowledge, and getting them to go out with her, without asking me, and calling them on the phone and when they got off the phone----I could feel the tension and the anger from them. They would clam up and wouldn't speak with me. She was feeding them hate.
I met with her and told her that she did the right thing in reporting the information to the authorities and that it was wrong of her to spread this gossip about my family to my friends and others, that is was wrong to monitor me like a criminal, to tell me that awful lie that caused me to feel totally isolated, and it was wrong to feed hate to my kids. I asked her to please stop making this worse. Please stop. Just please stop.
I had only ever confronted her like this once before, in our entire lives.
Her response was "how are you going to stop me?" and "we are now enemies".
I love my sister and I thought we were very close. This was kicking me when I was down. Cruel. Cruel. Rotten and cruel. Just like her father.
Liar. Big-mouth. Full of hate. Sick, selfish, controlling, conniving snake.
My eldest child was old enough to leave (at this point) and did so. She is also showing signs of narcississtic p. disorder. I tried going to therapy with her and the therapist was more interested in lining his pockets than helping our family. He behaved in an unprofessional manner. I was shocked and confused and went to another doctor, who told me this before I could barely finish a few sentences. "This Dr. ____ should not be inserting his opinion and feelings. He should be acting in a professional manner...", he said. I knew my thinking was correct. I stopped going there.
My child saw a special therapist too but I think it made matters worse. Blew things into a much bigger situation. Made my husband's behaviour into a rare, unforgivable, permanent sickness. When the truth was, it was isolated and corrected. And it isn't so rare. It's just that most of us want to believe it is. None of us want to believe that this could happen in our family. How could it? Never!! Anyone who does such a thing is a sick incurable animal!
I decided that I would try to forgive my husband and remain married. I would not condenm him when he was begging for mercy and doing everything possible to show remorse, seek treatment, and take responsibility for his actions. I told my child that none of what had happened to our family was my child's fault and kept professing my love and understanding. My child could not accept my forgiving my husband (and I think the professionals encouraged that attitude and I know my sister did).
Forgiving is simply letting go of ones anger and resentment. It is not an acceptance of behaviour. My husband's behaviour was disgusting and abhorrent and I will never accept it. It sickens me and it is not an easy thing to forgive. Feeling angry and resentful towards him, however, does not do me, or anyone else, any good.
Forgiving helps us heal and it is something we need to do for ourselves, not so much the other person, but I couldn't seem to make my thinking or feelings acceptable to my child. I was wrong to forgive. I should immediately divorce him. I should hate him. He is a monster-period.
The more I looked for the truth of the entire matter the more I realized I must continue to look. My child admitted feeling very jealous of the relationship I had with my husband. There were many difficulties between my child and my husband, especially because my child was so very lazy. It wasn't this behaviour of my husband's that was all that was driving my child to want him out of our home. This baby of mine did not wish to follow anyone's rules. My kid was rebelling against even kind words that were spoken or anything that was asked. My child was afraid for my younger child too.
My husband faced his behaviour and took responsibility for it. He faced the law and the consequences of his act. He offered and kept trying to do anything possible to repair the damage he had caused. He told his mother, infront of me, and his closest friends. He could have kept silent. There was no need to reveal his behaviour to them. He went to therapy. He served his time. He continued to financially support us. He suffered and was degraded by the "tests" and the "reports" and the knowledge that he will be on the sexual offender list forever and that he is a criminal. He can't ever leave the country. Everyone knows what he did and he doesn't deny it. He wrote a letter of appology but it wasn't allowed to be delivered until nearly 2 years after this disclosure. He had to move out of our home immediately and live elsewhere. I believe he is genuinely sorry for what he did and that he will never repeat such behaviour because he knows it is not worth it. He is very lucky and he knows it. Most women would divorce him.
My own therapist tried to make me take the blame for somehow doing something to allow this. I must have done something wrong, according to her. I must have great regrets that I need to purge. I was somehow responsible for his behaviour. (She really didn't like it when I kept telling her that I am only responsible for my own behaviour and no one elses. Neither can I change anyone's but my own). I was traumatized further by this therapist, in many ways. I finally stopped going.
I am now Mrs.Scum of the earth, married to Mr. Scum. My youngest child was gone a few months after the eldest, the one that is most like my father. This child told bold-faced tremendous lies to others, including my sister, which were then reported to the authorities once more. They came to my home and removed this child. Both my husband and I could have gone to jail for things we did not do. I had proof of the truth and produced it, which ended that case but not quick enough, it was another year of hell.
The agony I have suffered because of the behaviour of basically everyone I have ever loved weighs down somewhere very deep within my heart. My friends believed the stories they heard and those that didn't, certainly heard them, so I ended those relationships. I could not stand to face such widespread and mostly untrue gossip or the shame of what my husband did, my sister, and even my own child (the one that lied).
It has been awhile since this nightmare began. It often feels like yesterday. I would like to purge the pain, that's for sure. The joy is gone from my life. I am getting it back a little at a time but I really think I need to get the feelings out, not just the facts, although the facts are a start.
I wish I could speak with another person who has experienced something similar (although I wouldn't wish anything similar on my worst enemy). I just know there has to be someone else in the world who has an understanding of what this torture has been like.
I have to tell the rest of you one thing:
You have no idea until you stand in my shoes.
