Hey Tay,
I am having the same problem. My oldest just doesn’t want to engage in homework. She wanted to start viola lessons, and now I have to cajole/push/remind her to practice.
I don’t know what to say regarding the homework, except that I know the frustration. I feel bad in the sense that I want her to learn to love education, but no matter what I try, she just doesn’t seem to grasp the importance (and yet at the same time at her age, it is understandable that she doesn’t get the importance). I also don’t want to push too hard or use negative reinforcement (punishment) because then she may learn to hate it, which would be even worse. It is a difficult position.
In any case, she really, really wants her own cell phone (
she is 8 and wants to text message and e-mail her friends – I remember when I was 8 and we had just gotten a color tv that had ~4 channels – the world is a different place). In any case, my H and I decided that we are going to start a reward system with “gold coins.”
We are going to sit down with her and make a list of “rules of engagement” that covers a lot of different areas (homework, clean up, helping around the house, courtesy, etc.) and she and her sister get to help determine the rules of engagement and what the reward should be (within reason). On the flip side, they will also have coins taken away if they deviate from the rules of engagement – and they get to weigh in on what they would consider fair.
Each coin is worth a certain amount – and at the end of the week, the coins convert to cash. Half of the money goes into savings (trying to teach early saving here) and the other half is hers to do what she wants with.
(We are also going to find out how much the phone costs, and how much would be added onto our plan – so that she has a goal to strive for.)
We are cautiously optimistic that this will work (a balance of positive and negative consequences).
I really, really understand your frustration here.
It is so hard for me sometimes. My parents used extreme physical punishment and verbal abuse (shame tactics) to get me to comply. I don’t want to do that to my daughter and yet I have nothing else to fall back on to figure this out. I think (and am not always successful at it) that one of the best things I can do with my kids is allow them to help define and set the parameters that all of us live with (within reason and as age appropriate) and thereby give her a voice in her life. Something we never really had – eh?
Good to read you here Tay! Thanks for bringing this up. I hope others have some suggestions. I also just remembered, sometimes I ask her that if she had a child what would she do in the same situation – you know what is really interesting, at first she gives a preposterous answer, so I ask her really, really what would you do? Invariably – she tells me that she would do what I was doing – at 8. She is a lot smarter than I understand sometimes!
Peace and hugs to you.
BTW - I don’t see you as a failure Tay – at all. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you raising M alone. Seems to me you are doing a terrific job.
