Author Topic: OT: School help  (Read 1943 times)

tayana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 933
    • http://tayana.blogspot.com
OT: School help
« on: February 20, 2008, 02:31:15 PM »
This is a little off topic, at least on the subject of voicelessness.  It is somewhat related though.

Can anyone tell me how to motivate an unmotivated child in school.  My son is super smart, but he hates to do work.  He was a straight A student last year, but he was pushed and pushed to do that well.  Since we've moved, I've taken some of the importance off of school.  That was working until I got his latest progress report.  He's dropped to a D in Math, and Science went from 100% to 89%.  Science is his favorite subject.

I'm going to institute new rules, but all that will do is make him resentful.  It won't motivate him any more.

I've tried reward systems, and bribes, and punishments and none of that works.  Any other ideas.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Gaining Strength

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3992
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2008, 03:05:39 PM »
I toggle back and forth between what we refer to as "bad mom" and "good mom".  Bad mom gets angry and draws very tight limits.  Good mom is gentle and kind and understanding.

Bad mom and good mom do not always appear with specific consciousness.  Sometimes bad mom comes when I am very tired or very frustrated.  Sometimes bad mom appears when good mom no longer motivates.  I have toggled back and forth sometimes intentionally and sometimes reactively.  Right now I am in a good mom phase and getting good results.

Good mom phases are easier for both of us.  And I am thankful when good mom is effective in motivating my 7 year old.  Good mom takes a rested and unstressed mom as well as a mom who is willing for boy to make some mistakes and accept the consequences for poor school work.  Good mom takes the pressure off of both of us.

Try the good mom - kind supportive - ball's in your court approach for a little while.  You have to truly give up the punishment for the bad grades in this mode.  That's the hardest part.  - glad to see you, I'm missed you - GS

tayana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 933
    • http://tayana.blogspot.com
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2008, 03:20:15 PM »
Thanks Izzy and GS. 

I've tried the good mom and bad mom approach, and I do have more success with good mom.  However, I think Bad Mom is going to have to intervene here for a bit.  I think I've allowed a few too many freedoms, and I think it's time for the focus to come back to earth for a little while.  M just doesn't care though, so it doesn't matter how much I force him to study, and it is forcing.  It isn't, "let's study for your test now."  It's, "you're going to study now, and I don't want any arguments."  I've tried letting natural consequences take their course, which hasn't worked.  I thought maybe if he saw the benefits of doing well in school, that it would be something of a motivation.  While he doesn't do badly, he's not working up to his potential either. 

I'm thinking that bedtime is going to get pushed up a little more, and he's going to have to read for thirty minutes before bed.  I think he's going to start homework a little earlier, and there's going to be less TV.  I don't want to make things so regimented that it's stifling, but at the same time, I don't want a report card full of D's either.

Maybe I'll just show him the progress report and see what he says. 

I wish it was time to go home.  I can't concentrate anymore.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

tayana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 933
    • http://tayana.blogspot.com
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2008, 03:52:33 PM »
M has AS.  It's not that he doesn't know the work, in fact the opposite is true.  He knows the answers.

He just doesn't care, so he rushes through tests.

Ask him about school, and you get "I don't know."  Or "i don't want to talk about it."  I try to respect that, but it also means that I don't know what's going on sometimes.

No, the reason he doesn't care is very simple.  School is boring.  I can't make worksheets any more interesting, and I refuse to sit and check over his homework just so he gets straight A's.  I did that for a while, but no more.  I'm happy with A's and B's as long as I know he's puting in some effort, but no effort at all, and a D, now that makes more than alittle angry.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

tayana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 933
    • http://tayana.blogspot.com
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2008, 05:05:27 PM »
Not really.  It does a little, maybe.

I feel like such a horrible failure because of this.  The grades aren't set in stone yet.  They could change, but still . . .
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13621
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2008, 08:37:39 PM »
Is there a college or university in your town, Tay?

I am thinking that education school students would be a wonderful resource for some after school tutoring for M.

A single mom of an Asperger's child NEEDS EXTRA SUPPORT WITH PARENTING.

Takes a village.

Sometimes you hafta go find the other villagers.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

finding peace

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 489
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2008, 10:25:42 PM »
Hey Tay,

I am having the same problem.  My oldest just doesn’t want to engage in homework.  She wanted to start viola lessons, and now I have to cajole/push/remind her to practice. 

I don’t know what to say regarding the homework, except that I know the frustration.  I feel bad in the sense that I want her to learn to love education, but no matter what I try, she just doesn’t seem to grasp the importance (and yet at the same time at her age, it is understandable that she doesn’t get the importance).  I also don’t want to push too hard or use negative reinforcement (punishment) because then she may learn to hate it, which would be even worse.  It is a difficult position.

In any case, she really, really wants her own cell phone (:roll:  she is 8 and wants to text message and e-mail her friends – I remember when I was 8 and we had just gotten a color tv that had ~4 channels – the world is a different place).  In any case, my H and I decided that we are going to start a reward system with “gold coins.”

We are going to sit down with her and make a list of “rules of engagement” that covers a lot of different areas (homework, clean up, helping around the house, courtesy, etc.) and she and her sister get to help determine the rules of engagement and what the reward should be (within reason).  On the flip side, they will also have coins taken away if they deviate from the rules of engagement – and they get to weigh in on what they would consider fair. 

Each coin is worth a certain amount – and at the end of the week, the coins convert to cash.  Half of the money goes into savings (trying to teach early saving here) and the other half is hers to do what she wants with.

(We are also going to find out how much the phone costs, and how much would be added onto our plan – so that she has a goal to strive for.)

We are cautiously optimistic that this will work (a balance of positive and negative consequences). 

 I really, really understand your frustration here. 

It is so hard for me sometimes.  My parents used extreme physical punishment and verbal abuse (shame tactics) to get me to comply.  I don’t want to do that to my daughter and yet I have nothing else to fall back on to figure this out.   I think (and am not always successful at it) that one of the best things I can do with my kids is allow them to help define and set the parameters that all of us live with (within reason and as age appropriate) and thereby give her a voice in her life.  Something we never really had – eh?

Good to read you here Tay!  Thanks for bringing this up.  I hope others have some suggestions.  I also just remembered, sometimes I ask her that if she had a child what would she do in the same situation – you know what is really interesting, at first she gives a preposterous answer, so I ask her really, really what would you do?  Invariably – she tells me that she would do what I was doing – at 8.  She is a lot smarter than I understand sometimes!

Peace and hugs to you.

BTW - I don’t see you as a failure Tay – at all.  I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you raising M alone.  Seems to me you are doing a terrific job.
- Life is a journey not a destination

Gaining Strength

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3992
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2008, 10:36:18 PM »
I feel like such a horrible failure because of this.

I can relate.  Every Tuesday my child is expected to bring a poem to school recite.  He is expected to prepare that poem before Tuesday morning.  Last Monday R refused to prepare his poem.  He refused to do his reading.  He refused to write his spelling words and sentences.

I woke him up early on Tuesday morning and again he refused.  When we got to school.  I marched him into his class room and told his dear, kind teacher that R had refused.  Why did I do that?  Because I didn't want her to think that R's mother (me) had not held up her end of the deal.  It made me feel better.  Now I have had a hard time getting R to do him homework last night and tonight.  But for the first time - I am not sweating it.  I want him to do well - to meet his potential but I have decided itis not worth living in peace.

I am not telling you this as an example to try.  Each child is different and different at different times.  What works one day might not work another.  I am telling you this to say that I sympathize with you and with your struggle.  It is very, very difficult to find a way to motivate and then what ever works this time may not work for long and it's back to the drawing board.

I hope that someone will offer some suggestions that resonate with you and give you relief.  You need it and you deserve it.

your friend - gs

CB123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 883
  • It's never to late to be what you might have been
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2008, 09:56:12 AM »
Tay,

It breaks my heart to see you going through this.  You are not a failure.  Your son is not a failure. 

This school is not a good fit for him.  I dont think regular school is a good fit for a lot of kids, esp. normal, healthy, active little boys.  And if your son has some problems that make that worse--well, regular school is not a good fit at all. 

School is boring for the most part.  If you went every day, you would be bored too.  They spend a lot of time waiting for the teachers time, standing in line, going over someone elses work. 

Can you look into some alternative schools?  Waldorf?  Montessori?  In the city my kids grew up in, there was a Montessori school within the school district that was available.  As a private school, I know that's an added expense right now and you may not be able to afford it.  But maybe you could look into what your options are and see if there is any financial assistance. 

My first daughters first experience with school was Montessori and I loved it.  I can't recommend it highly enough.

Very best wishes to you in this journey,

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

tayana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 933
    • http://tayana.blogspot.com
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2008, 11:11:22 AM »
Hops, we do have a community college in the area.  It's not so much that he doesn't understand, as much as he doesn't like the work, doesn't want to do it, and rushes to get it done.  Then he makes silly mistakes.

FP, I started new rules at my house.  Homework is to be started an hour earlier than we currently do.  Bedtime got pushed back an hour so M can read.  He wants to get another dog, but in order to get the dog now, he has to bring his grades up.  We'll see if this helps.

GS, for a little while I was writing all sorts of notes to the teacher, making excuses.  I finally just let M suffer the consequences of not doing his work.  It did help as far as getting work done.

CB, the Montessori schools won't take him because he hasn't had any previous Montessori education.  There's no Waldorf school in the area.  Yes, I would be bored.  I know that where a lot of the "behavior problems" come in.  There is an alternative school about 45 minutes away that would be perfect, however, transportation becomes and issue as does cost.  I can't afford it.  I haven't totally ruled it out, but the decision is going to be house or school?
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13621
Re: OT: School help
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2008, 11:37:58 AM »
Hi Tay...
A tutor is still a miracle for lots of parents, imo...

Having a "big kid" lean on you to work and learn (and also be somebody to admire, and to remind M that the future is up to him to grab)...

anyway, hope you'll consider it.

xoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."