WOW - Just figured something out.
I have felt angry for so long it began to hit home after I had been with XN for about six months. I have only now discovered what it has been about. When I met him I had reservations. He was very charming, smart and funny. We had little in common other than we could make each other laugh and liked Art House movies. It took me a long time to commit to him. When I did, I did so knowing I was settling for something less than I wanted. I kept dismissing this thought and tried to make the best of it, rationalising my decision with "I expect too much..........nobody is perfect etc"
I could not figure out what my anger was about and its so simple. I have been so angry with myself for not trusting myself. I don't feel angry with him anymore because he is just a creep but have been projecting my anger onto him because I did not recognise I was angry with me. This is major for me. Knowing this right now has diminished my anger towards me also. It feels like a significant piece of the puzzle has at last fitted. I don't intend beating myself up over this but it has been staring me straight in the face but I have not seen it until now. Boy, but this process does take a long time.
I have understood, in theory, that when I feel so strongly about someone, it is usually a reflection of some part of myself I am not owning but I just could not put this together with my feelings. I have paid a big price for not trusting myself, both by being with XN and also enduring the constant anger towards myself. Feel like I have just dumped a load of baggage.
What a relief
axa