Dumping the baggage

[axa]

WOW - Just figured something out.

I have felt angry for so long it began to hit home after I had been with XN for about six months.  I have only now discovered what it has been about.  When I met him I had reservations.  He was very charming, smart and funny.  We had little in common other than we could make each other laugh and liked Art House movies.  It took me a long time to commit to him.  When I did, I did so knowing I was settling for something less than I wanted.  I kept dismissing this thought and tried to make the best of it, rationalising my decision with "I expect too much..........nobody is perfect etc" 

I could not figure out what my anger was about and its so simple.  I have been so angry with myself for not trusting myself.  I don't feel angry with him anymore because he is just a creep but have been projecting my anger onto him because I did not recognise I was angry with me.  This is major for me.  Knowing this right now has diminished my anger towards me also.  It feels like a significant piece of the puzzle has at last fitted.  I don't intend beating myself up over this but it has been staring me straight in the face but I have not seen it until now.  Boy, but this process does take a long time. 

I have understood, in theory, that when I feel so strongly about someone, it is usually a reflection of some part of myself I am not owning but I just could not put this together with my feelings.  I have paid a big price for not trusting myself, both by being with XN and also enduring the constant anger towards myself.  Feel like I have just dumped a load of baggage.

What a relief

axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

You are on a roll!  Rejoicing with you in this relief of a burden...

and now, just imagine what you could accomplish without that underwire   

Forgive me, please, I'm gettin punchy over here... tgi(almost)f!!

Love,
Carolyn

[teartracks]

axa,

Please keep sharing your ah moments.   I need them.  I've fallen and can't get up!  Well, not physically, but in a lot of ways I have emotionally. 

Loving it that you're chugging along at a nice steady speed.

tt

[Gaining Strength]

Boy, but this process does take a long time.
Amen brother, Amen

Feel like I have just dumped a load of baggage.
I'm so glad you have had this breakthrough.  It is well deserved. and I hope it is just the beginning. - your friend - GS

[axa]

Oh Carolyn think I will stick with the underwire.......it has served me well over the years!

TT

Trust me it does not feel like a steady pace.  I had almost accepted that I would carry the burden of my anger to the grave but something really shifted for me yesterday.  I had felt huge disappointment that I could not get past that anger which weighed me down.  Yesterday I was involved in a workshop of Theatre of the Oppressed, just an introductory session and wonder if this was the kick start I needed.  I don't know if you know about this form of theatre but it involves everyone in the room/audience.  Something I was asked to do was to use another person to "sculpt" what oppression looked like.  I moved the person until I was satisfied that the pose they adopted represented my perception of oppression.  Interestingly her mouth was open with her fist stuck in it.  At the time I did not feel anything spectacular but it was as if my brain engaged in another way and shifted me along the road.  I tend to be a very "head" type of person and this seemed like another form of expression which more creative.  Anyway, why it happened and that is what I am most pleased with.

GS xxx

Izzy.  I think what you write is so smart "the anger toward someone else hurts only us" I know, I know, I know and I don't know, I don't know, I don't know....the paradox!  Not at all convoluted..........to my scrambled brain you make perfect sense LOL.

Many thanks

xxxxxx

axa