HELP, I have left him again and I am dying!

[dandylife]

Elaine,

First - know that I have been in a spot very similar to yours.

IF you really want to leave him (your priority is not to be attached to the drama, the way he makes you "feel", etc.), then you will do just that, LEAVE HIM. There is no TRY. You do it.

N's need certainty or they will feed off of your "uncertainty". They will cling to that like a liferaft and use it for all it is worth.

Say the words, "I AM LEAVING YOU." "Your behavior is not acceptable to me." "Get help and fix these things, and THEN talk to me."

IF he is so enlightened as to ask what needs fixing (most N's would not even consider the possibility there is anything that needs fixing): then tell him:

1) Ask. Do not order me around.

2) There are 2 people in this relationship. My needs are important, too. Show respect.

3) etc. etc. Insert yours here.


Do NOT waiver. Do not become un-assertive. Ever. Do not go back for "just sex".

No contact until he has been in cognitive behavioral therapy for 6 weeks.

Get a diagnosis.

Go from there.

Take it from someone who has been there. If he is not willing to do these things, he is too enmeshed in his behavior to change.

Move on. There are healthy people out there. Find one!

He will let you know if he's pliable or not by his responses to these healthy things on your part.

Dandylife

[Elaine1966]

Oh, I forgot to tell you all that I booked my trip for the Dominican Republic instead of Costa Rica.  Because I went there with my Nfiance last year, my counselor felt there would be too many memories of him and that I needed to go somewhere else and make new memories.

I leave on March 14th.  Hopefully by the time I leave, I will be strong enough to be alone cause right now, I am not!

Blessings,
Elaine

[Leah]

Such wise advise from you counselor, Elaine

the Dominican Republic sounds wonderful.

Just keep posting, as led, and then maybe you won't feel so alone in your situation.

Thoughts of you,

Leah x

[Confounded]

Elaine,

Congratulations on taking the final step to resolve this serious problem.  I recall that you two had already separated residences.  So this is the phase of the process of ending a horrible relationship.  It is a necessity.  As you know, he will not be able to change, and you are very fortunate to be able to get out now.

So sorry to hear that he is pulling your heart strings.  He certainly knows how.  He will use anything, including his own children, to manipulate you.  You're a winner and he's a loser, and even in his afflicted mind, he knows it. 

You may remember that I advised you to blame yourself (you can't meet his needs) in the breakup.  I know, it's a ploy.  But the objective to be served is important, and that is to get away quickly, without freaking him out.  N rage is something to be avoided.

If blaming yourself isn't something that you want to do, then please consider talking about "the relationship" rather than him.  What I am saying is that you need to avoid telling him what's wrong with him.  He CAN'T fix it.  No good can come of it, and the more you list his deficiencies, the more enraged he is likely to become.  It sounds like some of the people around you are concerned about what action(s) he might take.

If you must talk to him, say something like "The relationship had too many problems.  Schedules, priorities, interests..."  These are not very personal or specific to HIM.  Don't say, "You never listened.  You didn't care.  You took advantage of me.  You have no emotional depth.  You're stupid.  Your thought process is extremely abnormal.  I hate my life with you in it."  All of these statements may be true.  But they are inflammatory and serve no purpose other than to activate aspects of his personality that lead to events that end badly, sometimes with people on the news, and later in jail, and/or the graveyard.

Back away carefully.  He CAN'T change.  So there is no point in providing a detailed explanation.  Make it sound as if the problems that existed in your former relationship were generated spontaneously, not caused by a person, and especially not the N.  Act very strategically, Elaine, for the sake of all involved.         

[alone48]

Elaine,

I certainly can feel your pain, I was there only a short while ago. I never thought I would be able to enjoy life at all. Somethings still bring back the memories, but not anywhere near the pain of a few short months ago. I honestly was surprised  I still have friends, because I didn't even like being around me and I didn't have a choice.

My girlfriend once told me in the begining that she had laughed for hours when her sister left her husband and told her "I never really loved him anyway". Obviously she did, but I'm begining to understand that comment. I looked at pictures last night of N and I on vacation, I can't even remember what I felt about him. At one time  I would have done or given him anything.........hang in there you too will be here soon.

[Overcomer]

Elaine-I experience the same type of behavior from my H.  When we first got together he controlled me with angry outbursts.  I would call him on his drinking and he would turn it around.  He does not help out-he checks out.  Now when we fight I just let him rant and rave and say things like THERE IS THE DOOR.  Now he does not control me anymore.  But I stay married to him.  You have the opportunity to walk and know that you saved yourself from a life of frustration!  You will be fine-youre lucky

[Hopalong]

Hi Elaine,
Keep breathing.
Drink more water.
Look at trees.
Take a walk.
Drink more water...

And, please stop for a moment and think: if you needed life-saving surgery, you would submit to the pain of the recovery room. You would know that pain is part of your body's healing.

This is no different. This emotional pain you feel at the thought of your separateness is because you have chosen to save your own life. An amputation is involved. Something in you had FUSED with this toxic relationship. Like a tumor. You have excised it and the wound hurts.

You can do this. You can endure this discomfort. You can.

It was life-saving surgery. Remember that...would you re-operate and put a malignant tumor back in? The pain of another surgery when the full folly registered will hurt no less, and likely more.

Stay with it. Keep enduring.
Walk.
Water.
Trees.

And a trip!!

love
Hops

[Sela]

Thinking of you today Elaine and hoping you are feeling stronger and clear headed (and that your heart is starting to heal....even a little).

There is such wonderful support here for you in this thread and I am hoping it is helping you to stick with your guns and look forward to much better days ahead.  They will come!!

How are you today Elaine?

(((((((((hug))))))))))

Sela

[Elaine1966]

Thanks everyone for your recent reponses.  I can tell today is not going to be any better.  Let me catch you up to speed.  He left me alone after lunch yesterday but then showed up on my door step at 1:00 am.  He was on his way to a job site.  We are Private Investigators.  I was asleep.  He handed me all his pics of us and his ring that I had bought him last year.  He then stated, "when you get ready to have a relationship with me, call me."  He then leaves my house and about 2 min later calls me and starts with the "I love you more than anything, the reason I withdrew from you was because you were nagging me all time (I was nagging him about not spending time with me).  Blah Blah Blah.  He then hangs up and tells me he loves me.  I thought,  what happened to the comment about "call me when your ready for a relationship."  

Later this morning, I text him and told him again, that I needed space so he needed to quit calling me.  He came back with, "I want my ring, and your stuff out of my barn."  He got so upset again.  After numerous text messages back and forth and me sticking to my guns, he now is saying he loves me more than anything and will do whatever it takes to keep this relationship in tact and he is willing to give me my space.  I came back with - well, time will tell.  He hasn't text or called me in the last hour and a half.  Is this typical of the NPD?

I am just so confused and still having  a lot of difficulty especially now, because he is ACTING as if he will honor my wishes.  One good thing, I am leaving today for the coast to work undercover over the weekend.  I am going to enjoy my time away, the beach, my job, etc.

Thanks for everyone's help,
Elaine

[Sela]

Hi Elaine,

You wrote:

I am just so confused and still having  a lot of difficulty especially now, because he is ACTING as if he will honor my wishes.

Maybe it would help to discard the first part there and keep this, which you have noted, clearly at the front of your mind:

he is ACTING as if he will honor my wishes.

Yep.  He is.  A big drama production all for your entertainment.  A show.  It's not real.  It's theatrical and creative and who knows?  Maybe even fun? (for him).

Enjoy your w/e away!   Honor yourself.

Sela

[nogadge]

Boy howdy, do I  ((((((((RELATE))))))))!!!!!!!
I may have unconsciencely choose not to see and understand, but he did nothave the right to wrong me the way he did.  I was not and is not okay for how we have allowed our self to be treated and our love to be totally betrayed and abused by the one we have given it to. 
Nogadge

[axa]

Elaine,

He will pull every trick in the book to get you back and if he does get you back it will be the same old story.........only worse.  I am glad you are going away for a while.  I suggest you do not respond to texts calls etc..........what helped me most of all was No Contact.  IT was difficult but I was so exhausted from listening to the same old Bull over and over again that my brain was scrambled.  I needed to stop contact to see where I was and plan for MY life.

axa

[nogadge]

Axa is right, it will get worse after the hooneymoon period.  I have had to cut off all interpersonal contact except via emailings with my van ex.  They don't want to put things in writting because then what they can be held accountable, it is staring back at them in their face, and it is proof of what they are really doing. They do not want to see or leave evidence of their actions, so using emailings( I had to have local police dv advocate reinforce this) insulates me from the internal uphevial within myself brought by the action/words of my ex.  It still hurts so bad, and the pain is deep, but it is not continuing to come at me layer upon layer, smothering me and keeeping me from finding those growing moments of quiet calmness that help to stop the turmoil.  Have faith in yourself to do what you know from inside you.  You have the strength when you remember all the good in yourself, that has always been there.  It's kind of like a friend you haven't seen for a while, and you have to rebuild your relationship and the closeness you have lost sight of over time.  You really missed them while they were on an extended vacation, but the more you see them, the more you realised how much you liked them, who they are and how much you've missed having them in your life. The difference is that, instead of a friend being on vacation, it is us, we are the ones we have missed while we have been in a prison of our own doings.
And that's okay, yeah I can accept and say this after 30+ years of being there.  Hopefully you  aren't that long.
nogadge

[Overcomer]

Honey-if it is to be it will be.  You do not have to re bullied into making a decision today.  Time away will make you think AND him think.  I have gotten to the point where I really do not care if he leaves and it is funny-the minute I do not care was the minute he lost the upper hand and he acts better than he did.

[Elaine1966]

Well, I left Friday for the coast to work that job.  Remember, he said he would do anything to keep our relationship together and if that means give me space then he would do it.  Well, last night he and my 15 year old daughter spoke on the phone while we were eating dinner.  He was asking her how she was liking it down on the coast (I think he did not believe I was going down there to work and was drilling my daughter, whom I took with me. I don't even know if he believed me, when I initially told him I was taking her with me, so he could've been confirming that.)  Then this morning at 7:30 am, he wakes me up by calling.  I did not answer, he leaves me a message asking if I was "sleeping" with my client?  He stated that he heard all kinds of things and that possibly we were seeing each other.  WELL THAT IS CRAP AS I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY FAITHFUL TO THAT MAN AND STILL FAITHFUL.  Anyways, I call him back (probably a mistake) and asked him what the heck he was talking about??? He proceeds to tell me.  I again confirm that I am not seeing anyone!  He then asks me if I am going on a trip (remember over spring break I am heading to the Dominican Republic) well, I had not told him this yet. So, I find out that he had been in my email (he has always had the password, I just forgot about it).  He saw my itinerary for my trip.  I told him yes, I was.  He then drills me about am I going to meet someone, I again tell him NO, I am going by myself.  Once we get all this past us, he then says, well I am sorry for invading your space but I just needed to know answers.   We then hang up and of course he says, "love you."

Later in the morning, he text me and asking about the Harley Davidson I liked.  (He has always known I wanted a Harley very badly).  I didn't know why but I later found out thru my daughter that he went and applied for a loan for a Harley Davidson. I am always told that he has no money and that is why he and I can never do anything together.   I thought where did that come from????  Then my daughter asks him if she could spend spring break with him, I thought I was going to ring her neck as I can't seem to make her understand what I am trying to do.  He says yes, and now he is planning on taking his boys along with my daughter over spring break.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?  What is he up to?? Now, here I am feeling bad about leaving for the Dominican Republic to get my head on straight as he is the "great father" and plans a trip with the kids, including mine.  HE HAS NEVER DONE THIS IN THE PAST.  I was the one who planned all the trips and most of the time, PAID FOR THEM AS WELL.

I just don't get what he is up too.  I wonder if in his mind, he thinks he is really doing a great thing.  But in the meantime, I feel like a bad, selfish parent.  Maybe he is thinking he will start proving to me that he can be a better parent, spending time with them etc.  I just don't know, I am trying to make sense of all of this.

OH, one more thing.....he asked me about counseling.  He stated that he wants to start seeing a therapist as he has issues that he knows he needs help with.  I about fell out today when he said that.  He stated that on two occasions recently he has woke up from his sleep crying.  He said he is "balling like a baby" but doesn't understand why.  He just wakes up like that from his sleep.  He doesn't remember dreaming.  He is now wondering what is wrong with him and SAYS he really want to do that counseling. 

So, now that I have filled everyone in........I need help figuring out this man and what he is up to.

I am so confused and emotionally distraught, I can't stand it!

Elaine