Looking for love

[Gaining Strength]

Each morning I wake up I try to imagine the love of God transforming my mind.  I usually wake up at dawn, all tied in knots and fists clenched.  It is difficult for me to imagine what that soaking love would feel like but because I believe that visualizing is the key to exiting this madness I am certain that when I am able to imagine what it feels like to be loved that I will begin to unravel this tight knot of a body and heart and begin true healing.

I get hope from that verse that we can love because Christ first loved us.  What I experienced as "love" in my FOO was obligation and anything BUT love.  But I have hope of being able to imagine what real love is.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

To me, meditating on the love of God means turning my thoughts to the cross of Christ, where that love was demonstrated in all completeness and sufficiency. The love of God made flesh in the Lamb who was slain... Jesus.

Hugs,
Carolyn

On edit -   

GS, these are words of life and hope to me... and to you, I hope, from Romans chapter 8. If someone does some folks do not want to read Bible passages on this group, they can certainly skip over this, but I'd be a fearful heap of avoidance and totally remiss to not include them here. (((())))

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?
Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold
or in danger or threatened with death? 
  (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.")

   No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 

  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love.
Death can't,
and life can't.
The angels can't,
and the demons can't.
Our fears for today,
our worries about tomorrow,
and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.

   Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean,
nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.   New Living Translation

[Overcomer]

Wow!  The new Living Translation says it well!  That is not the love that I was raised with.  It is a miracle I am a Christian because that is not the religion I had shoved down my throat.  GS-I also have yearned for that undeniable love.  That knocked down dragged out over the top kind of love.  It has eluded me in all areas of my life.  I had it once.  I was 17 and head over heals-but our differences made it impossible to make it through the long haul.  Then I settled for the rest of my life.

[Overcomer]

I never had it from my parents.  I never get it from men.  It has to come from God.  I think if we can de program our minds into thinking we are not worthy-and accept that unconditional love-we will be getting to a better place in our lives.

[Ami]

(((((((((((((((((GS, Carolyn, Kelly))))))))))))))

[Leah]

Each morning I wake up I try to imagine the love of God transforming my mind.  I usually wake up at dawn, all tied in knots and fists clenched.  It is difficult for me to imagine what that soaking love would feel like but because I believe that visualizing is the key to exiting this madness I am certain that when I am able to imagine what it feels like to be loved that I will begin to unravel this tight knot of a body and heart and begin true healing.

I get hope from that verse that we can love because Christ first loved us.  What I experienced as "love" in my FOO was obligation and anything BUT love.  But I have hope of being able to imagine what real love is.

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine"  (song of solomon 6:3)


(((((((( GS )))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for your thoughts and your posts.  Today I woke up really struggling.  The dreams I was having just before waking were reflections of the sabotage and neglect and th resulting powerlessness and frustration that I experienced over and over and over again.  Almost every night I relive these same old issues. 

In this dream, I had pulled off the road on a highway entrance.  I was trying to make some phone calls.  My brother had called me but after I answered he was continueing a conversation with someone beside him and would not speak to me and he finally hung up on me.  The same experience was repeated with my aunt.  I was very frustrated and felt completely minimized.  There was some type of crisis that we were dealing with and yet they refused to communicate with me. 

I was sitting in my car, in my pajamas, trying to make some phone calls when all of a sudden several cars passed me, entering the highway on a downhill ramp and they collided.  I jumped out to go see about the passengers and then I tried to get back into my car but it was locked with the keys inside.  Suddenly I was overcome with fear and shame.  I knew I would be held responsible and then I WAS responsible.  The death and destruction was all my fault because by pulling off the road my car had caused the accident.

When I woke up I knew exactly what this dream was about - my whole life I have been minimized by my family.  I have been blamed and held responsible for things that I am simply a witness to or approximate too.  I have been held responsible and taken responsibility for things way outside of my control.  All of this has had a debilitating effect on me.

I am working through this stuff and making progress but there is so much about this dream and the relevant life experiences that I cannot even get out on paper. 

I am writing this so that I can work out some of the struggles and make sense and order out of it and get release from it.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

I am so sorry that you're struggling today.

After reading your comment on another thread, where you said, "I don't like to be preached to nor have scripture pushed at me as an answer to my struggles - especially in a forum like this that does not adhere to any religion"

I was just coming back here to give you my apologies for quoting Scripture here on this thread of yours.
Because you mentioned a Bible verse in your initial post, I'd thought you would be open to and appreciative of some other passages. If you'd like me to delete my earlier post, I will... and I'll not post any more Bible passages to you now that I'm aware of your preferences.  I'm sorry for my misunderstanding and presumption.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

Hi GS, just wanted to share with you. I have never ever in my whole life had a nice dream. never. Just nightmares. Only bad dreams.
Very few occasions feel peace. And I am a believer. Very difficult.

Also, I remember you mentioned you had MS. How is that going? Are you feeling well? Any madications?

If you do not wish to answer, I understan.

Love.

L.

[Gaining Strength]

Certain Hope - you are right, I did say that but I did not feel that you were pushing anything.  I loved the Romans 8 and found it sent in a kind and helpful manner.  I apologize for posting something that would sound critical to you.  That must have felt awful - that I would be passive-aggressive and post somewhere else without being direct.  But I did not feel that you were pushing scripture nor preaching.  I thought you were offering me a boost right in line with what I had posted.

Sorry for leaving you hanging out to dry.

[Certain Hope]

Oh, GS...  I just felt bad that I may have presumed upon you here. Startled and scared me a bit, but I wanted to check with you first this time before assuming anything and jumping in here to delete it... so I asked. And now I'm very relieved... lol.
Never ever occurred to me that you were being passive aggressive, dear GS - only that you were feeling exhausted and worn and aggravated, etc. I'm so glad that Romans 8 helped... and that you weren't put off by my posting it, as truly, it was only intended to bless your heart (((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))   Thank you for easing my mind!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita - It really sounds shocking that you have never had a pleasant dream but then I don't think I have either.  I wake up each and every day just dreading what is before me as though I will experience shame and belittlement no matter what.

I truly believe that I can change this with determination by using imagination and visualization and other means to change my thoughts.  I am trying to develop the habit of identifying my feelings of dread and replacing them with the thought that all things are possible with God, so that I don't have to rely on my own abilities but can rely on God's ability.  I have a long way to go but I won't give up.

I know it sounds that I am not making any progress.  This is not so but as I make progress I still have struggles and some of them are the same struggles that I have always faced.  I am very thankful for this forum in which to work through this stuff.  Overcoming the dark sides of the mental struggles from N parents is daunting and feels very juvenile but I would rather overcome it late than never.

Lupita thanks for asking about my health.  I don't have MS.  I am wondering who here does.  I know that must be very, very difficult. - Thanks for sharing about your dreams.  It always helps to know others are in there with you. - your friend - GS

[Gaining Strength]

I just felt bad that I may have presumed upon you here. Startled and scared me a bit,

Thanks for sharing and for caring CH - your friend, GS