I, preface this topic, by saying I do not mean to offend anyone by posting this thread. If anyone is offended, I apologise in advance.
I saw an advert in the newspaper, offering people, trying to get over a love affair, the chance to post an obituary on their website. While I don’t think I would like to do that, I thought about it, and decided that it could be a useful tool for distilling a situation, which has or is causing pain, no matter, whether it be the passing of a loved one, a love affair gone wrong, a relationship from our past, or, in fact, any painful experience, which needs closure.
I decided I would write an obituary for my mother. I have to confess, I found it extremely difficult and I decided to write the body of the obituary in the third person.
Unfortunately, as usual, I found it very hard to condense, mainly because there were a lot of things to consider. The names are not real names for privacy reasons.
MORTIMER
Gauteng-- Pamela, Ida, Mortimer died 11 January 2004, after a life time of
Narcissistic behaviour towards me her eldest daughter, Kim.
Born July 19, 1927 in Cape Town, South Africa. She grew up, as the youngest child, who was spoilt and doted on by both her parents and her two older siblings. She lived first in Cape Town and then moved to Johannesburg, where she worked as a librarian, having been trained on the job from the age of 16. An highly intelligent woman, she was able to skip several grades at school, and so ended up in the workforce as a qualified librarian at the age of 19. She was also approached to do some modelling for a local agency.
In 1947, she married Ronald McComb, and shortly thereafter, her first daughter, Kim, was born. Three years, later another daughter, Jean was born, and this is when her life turned into a nightmare. Jean, was a sickly baby, who demanded all her attention. Kim started “playing” up because she was not getting enough attention, affection or love. Instead of being given a cuddle, she would be give a piece of chocolate cake. Pam found Kim so difficult that she took her to a psychiatrist, when she was nearly six. The problem, as she saw it was, that Kim, couldn’t resist fighting with Jean, her younger much easier to get on with sister. Pam found the older child to be difficult, rebellious, rude and demanding. She even called her “Gime“, because she said that was all the child wanted and she (Pam) didn‘t have time to give this monster, what she wanted most, acknowledgment of her as a person, preferring to spend endless hours talking on the phone to her sister, or reading crime stories. She expected Kim to be grown up enough to look after herself. She transferred her need to express emotions and take responsibility for herself to Kim. Kim, being highly sensitive found that she could pick up subtle signs, that Pam was displeased, whether it was tone of voice, the look in the eyes, a facial expression, or the flick of a hand. Kim feared her mother because Pam had the power to get Kim’s father to punish her by giving her a beating for some perceived indiscretion or insubordination. Most people believed Pam, because to them she was a sensitive (because she cried), wonderful, kind, funny human being. She was a good actor. To Kim, she was out of reach - not there emotionally. If Kim mentioned any lack of communication, she would say she had a vivid imagination. Pam existed on a superficial level with everyone, who didn’t want to get close. She couldn't cope with Kim, a loving, affectionate, and curious child, because Kim wanted to connect with her emotionally. She was empty feelings-wise. She used to tell everyone what a difficult child Kim was and even in 1987, when Kim visited South Africa for the first time in 14 years, she reiterated this statement.
Consequently, Kim did all the feeling for Pam and this depleted her psychologically and made her a victim. Kim was supersensitive because she had to be on guard all the time to try and prevent getting hurt. Kim tried hard at school, because she wanted Pam to love her even if she showed it by being pleased with the effort she made at school. Kim hoped to be praised, but instead she got “I wouldn’t have expected anything else from you”. That is where Kim has remained until now. She was desperately unhappy, starved of affection and love, was told she was too demanding, and had to be the centre of attention all the time. Not surprisingly, this was Kim vicariously acting out for Pam, who loved being the centre of the universe.
Kim left South Africa in 1973, leaving Pam behind to find someone else to do her feeling for her. Instead of finding someone to take over Kim’s role, Pam found out that Jean, her younger daughter expected her mother to look after her. The relationship between Pam and Jean became emotionally incestuous. It was only after Pam’s passing that Kim met someone, by accident, who understood all the therapy she had had, and how far she had come in terms of understanding what had happened to her. He had worked with these people for years and he provided her with the final piece of the jigsaw, this was the fact Pam had NPD. All the hurt and pain rose to the surface again. However Kim is now able to understand what had happened. She knows that it wasn‘t her fault. In fact, it was nobody‘s fault . She can make sense of her life. She can move on. Kim has forgiven Pam . It wasn’t her fault that she was like she was. She didn’t choose to be that sort of person. She did not chose to make Kim a victim. Consequently, Kim no longer bears any resentment towards Pam.
May you rest in peace Mom, knowing I have learned my lessons well. While it was a torturous journey, I am a much better kinder, more rounded person, who is free to live my life in the way I want to live it. My mission is to try and help others understand that it is not their fault. They were a victim of circumstances, just like I was, as indeed you were. I weep for you because you missed out on so much.
Kim in Oz
