I'm going to abdicate responsibility for the following post, only because I'm so incredibly sleepy right now, but it's a thought I've had for the last 20 minutes and it isn't going away. Please feel free to take what you find useful and reject what you don't.
In a group therapy-type situation 5 or 6 years ago I was exhibiting behaviours that seemed, oh just a wee bit erratic. I know that inside I felt, oh just a wee bit oversensitive. I FELT the pain and self-doubt that came from being told I came across as a drama queen to others. I took that criticism to heart and tried oh so hard to curb or somehow anticipate it, especially after that same observation became a recurring criticism from my exN. I didn't want to be known as a drama queen, I noticed people didn't take me seriously when I was being one. I was also accused once or twice of being self-righteous and...oh man, don't hate me for this next one...narcissistic.
Imagine how my heart sank. This before I knew what that label actually entailed.
That was during my Nrelationship, it was after the cracks had already begun to show, it was fresh into the state of being undermined and twisted up as a co-narcissist, and it was RIGHT WHEN I was starting to panic the floor was crumbling under my feet if I wasnt hypervigilant about working hard to change myself so I could please my N. All new things to me.
Guess what?????
AFTER having discovered what NPD is, AFTER reading Vaknin's book and feeling like the sun suddenly started shedding reality on my newfound madhouse existence, AFTER breaking up with Mr Vampire, AFTER a few years of intensive therapy in which I revealed all the secrets of my Nrelationship I carried immense shame and guilt over, I came to notice, my dramatics diminished exponentially, I didnt feel this intense urge to scramble around to people to get life-or-death empathy, support, attention, I also didn't feel an urge to preach about what was wrong and what people needed to do to save themselves, I didn't need to convince others I was right in order to save myself from annihilation, the whole world started to slow down and become quieter, and my survival/existence was no longer predicated on connecting with others in order to avoid emotional meltdown. I became far less narcissistic because 'getting from others" wasn't my lifeline anymore.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if it rings familiar to anyone. But there was something about the madness that my N created in me, and the space between us, that topsy-turvied every emotion I felt, and every way in which I expressed it, and every way in which it was received by the world around me.
There's something really...viral about it. It affects more than just the respiratory system. It gets into a number of systems that connect us and sustain us with the real world. People who loved me suffered because my attempt to survive my own suffering impacted them in ways I didnt mean but felt oh sonecessary at the time.
sheesh - I wish I was better with words right now, I could be so much more succinct
I watch other people sort of twist in the wind of their own topsy-turviness and feel some deep sadness in my chest for them...and for the me I am still working at returning to normalcy.
