I went on a weekend ladies' retreat with my church. I just got back last night. It was a lovely experience however, I did notice a common thing that I've seen with other situations. They seem to believe that "one size fits all" as far as faith and prayer, etc.
I informed them that my husband has personality disorders. Their responses almost 9 x out of 10 were "oh have faith...we'll just believe for God to change Him...I knew another person like that and God radically transformed them...don't lose hope sister!" etc
Now, these people's hearts were pure, I know. They were meaning well, but sometimes i just don't think others "get it" or want to, about narcissists.
They do NOT follow typical Biblical patterns every time. They do not respond to "soft answers" and kindness every time either. Some N's do NOT change. I'm not saying that I don't have hope for that, but to assume that because we stand together in prayer, my husband is going to suddenly long for a close relationship with God, me, others...I think is a bit "iffy" My faith is just not there yet or something. I dunno. Maybe it's cause I LIVE with it day in and day out.
I have to review "What IS a Narcissist?" and realize that all the ways I've tried that seem Biblical or logical, HAVE NOT WORKED WITH ROLAND IN 20 plus years!
Here is what I mean, using Bible, worldly ways, my experience with n husband:
Reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame or humiliation, therefore:
BIBLE: "confess your faults one to another" will not cut it, cause N has NO FAULTS, remember?
WORLD: Addressing him by saying "your behavior is not appropriate does not work either, because he will either say "no it's not. YOUR behavior is awful." or he will simply argue and try to justify WHY he does/says/is.
EXPERIENCE: My asking Roland "where is your ownership in this situation" is responded to with "it's not me. it's YOU. you're the one with the problem, not me."
Takes advantage of others to achieve his own goals
therefore:
BIBLE: Letting him know that the Bible says to "love one another", won't work
N sees people as objects to be used as he so chooses
WORLD: ASKING N to consider other people's feelings about being treated as objects also does not work. He can't relate to a "feeling being" because he long ago shut down and off his own feelings. Feelings= weakness, vulnerability, openness to attack to an N.
EXPERIENCE: Roland just assumes that people will do what he wants. He is shocked when he still has to pay a speeding ticket, because he thought for SURE the policemen would have let him go. He feels very much above the normal laws and rules and is shocked when they are enforced on him.
Has feelings of self importance:
BIBLE: "Esteeming others higher than yourself" (Bible) will not work with an N. They see their false selves as the highest, best, most honorable and worthy to be praised.
WORLD: Suggesting that N considers someone else, gives someone else a chance, will evoke a response of "why should I?" or "huh?" or "I AM" even though he truly is dominating EVERYTHING. He can't see others as separate from himself and when they try to do things separately, it confuses him and angers him. PUPPETS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK, TALK, HAVE FEELINGS
EXPERIENCE: Roland has always assumed that people adore him. The one time when I told him something negative someone said about him, he simply said "so?" He doesn't care WHAT people think of him because he believes they all think he is the greatest. He also does not understand that there are evil people in the world or people who ARE out to get others. He is totally baffled by the idea that someone would yell at him or not like him. He created a reality long ago where everyone thinks he is just awesome and never needs to change or grow
Exaggerates achievements and talents:
BIBLE: "Let another man's lips praise you and not your own." This is lost on an N. It's all about him him him and he expects not only others to praise him but also brags about his own accomplisments regularly.
WORLD: Saying to N, "that's nice but can I tell you what happened with me?" will only result in your being ignored or talked over or having N pretend to listen while he/she rolls his eyes or has his mind on the next thing about himself he "knows" you want to hear.
Experience: Not a moment goes by without my husband having to tell someone something wonderful he is doing or has done. If someone compliments him, he simply EXPECTS that. I don't know if he has ever thanked a soul for any compliment. He feels totally entitled.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
BIBLE: "GOD is love" is a concept that N only understands in the sense that N is GOD. He automatically assumes that all success, power, etc will fall into his hands, lap, life.
WORLD: Telling N about something normal, like "well, maybe you weren't meant to GET that job, honey," only results in him saying angrily "well OF COURSE I WAS! THEY WERE JUST TO STUPID TO HIRE ME. IF THEY WERE SENSIBLE, THEY WOULD KNOW I WAS THE ONLYYYYYY PERSON FOR THAT POSITION!"
EXPERIENCE: with my husband, it's been about being self-employed. We are terribly in debt because he always "knew" we could hock our home, car, whatever, get a loan we could not pay back, since we were going to be MILLIONAIRES from selling vitamins, crafts, antiques, etc. He still sends money for every other 'get rich quick" scheme on the planet, convinced that one will be our POT OF GOLD and that HOW COULD YOU NOT STICK BY ME IN THIS, HONEY (as our electric, water, phone gets shut off for non-payment and he doesn't care cause after all, "what did they do BEFORE utilities, years ago?")
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
BIBLE: "none are righteous. no not one" means NOTHING to an N. He thinks he is the most righteous creature on the planet. Nobody compares to his holiness and righteousness and nobody ever could, although he will let them THINK he favors them for a while. N knows that in the end, he will be discarding this person whom he will accuse of being "stuck on themselves" even after he put them into that position in the first place.
WORLD: Telling him that he needs to go to school to earn that degree or he needs to work toward a goal to achieve something...well, N believes that things just "come to him" including knowledge, education, etc. He thinks that somehow he has always "known" how to do office work, banking, cooking, etc. Nobody ever TAUGHT him...he just taught himself. Therefore, he should be lauded and praised just for knowing HOW to do things, even though he doesn't have the professional degree of his peers.
EXPERIENCE: It's not that Roland expects the same measure of success/accolades as someone who has a college degree. It's that Roland thinks he's good enough without going back to school for more training. He has convinced himself that he could run an entire Hardware store better than the people in it, because he knows where everything IS in it, yet, when I've suggested he get a job there, he says "no, they don't appreciate someone like me. I'm overqualified for the job" To N's "overqualified" means just that...not that they are "old and the store has chosen to place young people there instead", but that N knows way too much and would make others feel jealous of him, so he doesn't get hired. YES, my husband DOES really believe he knows more than most other people.
Requires constant attention and admiration:
BIBLE: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God." "seek His face" "Come to Him" are all meaningless words to an N. N wants all the attention and admiration. People must fall down in worship of N's false image in idol-worship. If not, N will make them "pay"
WORLD: Expecting people to give you attention even at your birthday party, barmitzvah, wedding, etc, is UNTHINKABLE with N around. He/she will be sure all eyes are diverted over to him/her and away from you, even though it is rightfully YOUR time for attention and admiration. N's are all about SELF...THEIR SELF.
EXPERIENCE: It's uncanny how my husband will compete for attention with my 8 yr old! Everyone in my home, other than me, shouts over each other. There is a constant one-upmanship going on.
Lacks empathy
BIBLE: Concepts of "mercy toward others" "compassion" "love" "kindness" "gentleness" an N doesn't comprehend. All he/she knows is that he/she has a goal and either you will help him/her reach it or you are to be discarded, devalued and shoved out of their presence. N's will even sometimes become enraged if you share what God says about something. After all, who IS this GOD who thinks He is better than N? Sometimes N's will blame God and say He is a very malevolent being, who allows people to die in war, etc. N's have no concept of intimate feelings that connect people with other people. To them, tears are stupid, feelings are dangerous and weak. Empathy is something they can't grasp. They only know actions and chores and tasks and achievements. Thinking about how something feels to someone else, they don't grasp nor want to grasp or sense anything about it.
WORLD: Suggesting that N (a perpetual 7 yr old) goes and apologizes to someone for hurting their feelings, is ridiculous and senseless. N doesn't relate to the idea of a human being feeling hurt, betrayed, upset, distraught. To N, if someone feels these things, he/she must have done something to deserve it. They will almost always respond with "yeah I smacked him, BUT HE" or "serves ya right for doing _________" They have no sense of compassion or sorrow that produces any lasting change in them.
Sooooooooooooo, all the well-meaning "awwwww, your husband just needs the Lord to soften his heart." "He just doesn't understand" "He just needs prayer" "He'll come around" though, heartfelt and appreciated, doesn't necessarily guarantee that it will happen any time soon or AT ALL.
EXPERIENCE: My husband was taught to do horrid things to animals and then laugh about it. If my children get hurt, his response is "ohhhhhhh you're fine. quit your bellyaching" When I'm sad, he will say "what's wrong" but then when I tell em, he'll brush me off with "well, I don't know WHY you do that to yourself? Just stay away from people. See, that's why I have no time for friends!" Everything to him is about going through life "not caring" He doesn't understand why someone would cry if they are shot, stabbed, harmed in some way. He doesnt' get "feelings" at all, so imagine raising children who beat on each other and your husband says "oh let em fight it out. they're kids" while your little ones are bleeding, crying, screaming and he is telling you "you just wear your heart on your sleeve! you are paranoid."
Yes, the Bible and God work, WHEN SOMEONE APPLIES IT AND YIELDS THE CONTROL OVER TO GOD. N's do not YIELD to ANYONE, let alone an invisible deity who will NOT let N be in control over Him or others.
I tried to talk to people at the retreat, and explain that my husband does not fall in line with the "typical" way things go. Someone not married to a true N will NOT understand. They just don't "get" that rules, common outcomes, logical things, DO NOT WORK WITH N'S generally.
Anyway, just some thoughts on it. Now, I put energy into taking care of myself and my girls.
~Laura
