digging up psychological past

[Gaining Strength]

I started this post earlier and it would not post for some reason.  So I am going to start over.

I am trying to get unstuck about some psychological gymnastics that I went through as a young person. 

This morning I woke up struggling with so stuff my mother put me through.  She would tell me she was going to do something and then shame me when she didn't follow through.  She still does that.  Now I know what is going on and can put an end to it.  Then I didn't and am still stuggling to undo the damage.

Now I have my mother's sitter who tells me weekly about some of my mother's unbelieveable behavior.  Some of it pointed at me and some of it just her daily stuff - most of it just ridiculously shocking or appalling.

Now I have my oldest brother in support with me.  That makes a tremendous difference. 

I know that muchof the disheveledness - both physical and psychological - is tied to the psychological craziness I took on as a child.  I am determined to undo that Gordian knot and hope that I can work it through here.

[DailyMail]

The Gordian Knot is a legend associated with Alexander the Great. It is often used as a metaphor for an intractable problem, solved by a bold stroke ("cutting the Gordian knot"). - Wikipedia

what a beautiful image for such a worthwhile task

[Iphi]

Hi GS - I just want to put in a general vote of support and encouragement for your endeavor.  I fully believe you can and will undo that knot and walk free.

[Ami]

GS, you are an inspiration to me. You have a deep inner strength, which you have mined,in the past and is there for you, now.
You give so much to others. Your place in the world should be one of self love and peace. Anything less is NOT you or part of you. It is lies and you should reject it.
                     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for the support everyone.  It really makes a difference.  That is what I so love about this board.  There is no where else in mylife that I can receive such encouragement and so immediately.  I am truly thankful.

[Ami]

((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))

[DailyMail]

That image of the knot - for me conjures up some real reverence about the magic that a mind can evoke as a child in order to deal with, make sense of the nonsensical and otherwise damaging life experience we have.  It's awe-inspiring how resilient and creative a mind can get when faced with "do or die".

I know those psychological gymnastics are a pain once we get to this stage when they're more of a hindrance than a help, but back then when we were 5 or 8 or 12 years old...wow...magical inner stuff takes place so that we can keep walking through this world.

Kids are little miracle workers.

[DailyMail]

Oh, you touched on something that's only just been uncovered in my own make-up Phoenix.  Except the rebel in me that was born when I was 9, said "take that" back then, she says "F you" now.  The problem for me is, there's strength in that for me, that feels like a warrior or battle cry to me, so I'mn not yet willing to give it up, but I'm starting to hold a space that it might be necessary in order to move forward.

(I hope you don't mind me jumping in, it's a topic close to my heart these days)

What is the state of that reality for you?

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

There are many different ways to have one's dessert before dinner...

would a little exercise in such impractical silliness help to loosen that knot? 

Allowing a current event/treat/pleasure to be absolutely unhinged from any other event, past or present? No shame!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

No PR but I certainly  understand how that can emerge.

In my case it was running smack dab up against seemingly immovable barriers and unable to overcome them.  The problem was that my parents put up barriers that weren't real, saying something was impossibloe that wasn't and I would either take their response or have to take their response - either way the result was the same.  And for the most past the shaming trapped me.  Much of the time I did not even realize that I  was shamed.  I have only begun to unravel the problem.  So much of it took place on an unconscious level.

[gratitude28]

GS,
You've done the hard part already - figuring out where the problem is and what you want to change. I am so often stymied by that. I know something is wrong, but I am not sure what the problem is or how to fix it!!!! So a huge congratulations and a cheering on from me as you attack the knot.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I think that you are talking about "shame".Probably "fear" is below shame.Probably fear is the deepest emotion(negative one),in our cores.I have so many levels of shame(fear). Sometimes, it seems "never ending' to get to the place of self acceptance. Are you saying this?
 I think that the answer( and I don't do it very much -lol) is to give up to God and accept that "perfect love casts out fear". I DO find peace when I give my "issues" up to Him. I realized that I have been trying too hard,on my own, to fix myself.
  He knows HOW I work, better than I do and he can go in and be the 'mechanic".
 I have had some times of peace in my life. The true self acceptance comes when we realize that He loves us , as we are. I NEED to tell myself this, ALL the time,GS, and I fail to follow it, most of the time----bleh. However, I know that it contains the  answer.    Love You, GS,             Ami

[Iphi]

GS you wrote:

In my case it was running smack dab up against seemingly immovable barriers and unable to overcome them.

I have that exact same experience.  I look forward to discussing it with you and hopefully we can come up with helpful and/or freeing discoveries. 

[Gaining Strength]

gratitude - I do think I have figured the problem out but I have NO idea how to fix it.  In my experience it is sort of a process of now waiting for the fix to reveal itself.  But I struggle in this inbetween time.  I am tired and find myself without any resilience so small things like the e-mail about none of the mothers in my childs den would be attending (completely ignoring that fact that I was going) knock me for a loop instead of my just letting it roll off my back.  In this place each and every thing knocks me low when in reality they shouldn't even show up on my radar.  So blips feel like mountains and mountains well - I just give up and lie down.

Thanks for that Ami.  You are right that fear usually underlies shame.  Shame was so omnipresent and used in such a variety of means in my growing up and most of it subconscious or unconscious so that unearthing it is difficult.  And when I think I've done the work I have come to realize that there is so much more to unearth.

Iphi - I would love to work on this together.  This barrier stuff is so important for me to deal with so that I can move forward.  I will try to write more specifically about this in the next day or so.  I have watched people I think of as successful and they seem to have the capacity to take on barriers and find ways to overcome them - barriers for them seem to be challenges instead of be overwhelming.  I think it will be very, very important for me to be able to adapt that mindset - to take on a challenge rather than give up in exhaustion and frustration.  The giving up was a pattern established when my parent did have controll but they no longer do so that experience for me is clearly more psychological than real.

[cats paw]

GS,

  I understand about things knocking you for a loop, and knocking you low.  As far as undoing the Gordian knot,  I have seen you use the bold cutting stroke that DailyMail talked about.  You readily write to sever the knot for others and it will be wonderful for you to apply the same techniques for youself.  You have both untied and cut knots for me, so I will look to you cutting them for yourself, too, with the same caring, valiant effort you give to others' knots. 

  Easier said than done, - how well I understand that, also.  Sometimes I sit and look at all the bindings on the floor around me, rather than realizing I am no longer tied.  Sometimes we have to get used to freedom.

  DailyMail- just wanted to say I love mixed metaphors, and watching merengues! I enjoy your writing.

  GS and Iphi-  I will be looking forward to your discussions.

cats paw