Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Nervous about posting.

(1/3) > >>

Cj:
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I was reading a thread about shame earlier, and seem to be getting closer to understanding somethings. I think the reason I am constantly censoring myself, and getting into a constant state of anxiety when I speak ((thread posting is a nightmare, online mostly, even though I do it a lot), real life situations are such a rare occurance these days) might be because of shame. Why would I be so worried about posting if I know I am a good person? I feel it is this inherant 'badness' (note commas) is what keeps me so restricted in exposing myself, and/or fear of being wrong/disapproval. It is and has been KILLING me for years. Repressed anger to maybe. I tell myself I shouldn't post, but thats not really solving anything is it? I just can't believe I've always felt so ashamed in my whole self, when I didn't need to be like that. (or like this!). Times now and again, it feels ok, I read and realise it is ok to be me, but mostly its the other way, and I feel at mercy, of what I don't know (well shame) or being disliked (which of course would confirm I am 'bad'). Sorry (haha) just needed to get that of my chest. (Or am I just looking for everyone to run at me saying, NONO Cj your posts are fine ete etc....it doesn't get any less confusing)
Ah well...

Slowly learning....

Anonymous:
A woman once gave me a great gift: she told me that no one is really thinking about me for more than 5 minutes. I thought everyone was focused on my flaws and feeling heavily disapproving/critical. She told me no one really cared a whole lot what I said or did, that they were all thinking about themselves and not about me. It was a great relief not to feel the target of everyone's hatred (which I'd imagined was the case at all times). At one time, I wouldn't have listened to her, but I was ready.

bunny

Barbie:
I posted and nothing happened so I'm just testing right now.

Barbie:
Alright! It worked so here goes.

I'm new here guys.  This is my second post.  The reason I have joined is because I saw a lot of my problems being talked about here so for that I am thankful.  I would like to understand myself more and I felt I needed a support type of group so let me just say, I am so happy I found this site and most anxious to meet everyone.

mighty mouse:
CJ,

Hi. You know what? There's not a damn thing wrong with you. Did you know that? You have just as much right to breathe the air, feel your feelings, express yourself as anyone else.

And Bunny is right. If you knew how little people think about you (and me and all of us), you wouldn't spend any time worrying about what they think. People are mostly focused on themselves and their stuff. So what?

This shame is self imposed because of bad tapes in your head. I know, I've been there. I tried to read some of your previous posts and didn't see much, but I know you have some junk with your Dad. I have a N Mom and I felt shame for years because I was always in a one down position with her. Anything I did couldn't ever be as wonderful or magnificent as her. All my life it's been her way or the highway. I finally got smart and took the highway. Now anything she says I take with a grain of salt. I realized she is a ridiculous person. She no longer has power over me. It's a good feeling.

Sometimes It's a you or them situation. IMO, I think you have shame perhaps because you lack a self, an identity. That's what I lacked. When you have someone projecting on you all the time and telling you what you are, it's hard to see your own reality. You must keep slugging away until you get it or it sinks in as you say. And it will someday. Be gentle with yourself and just keep knowing that you are a good person. Find your reality instead of the one imposed on you.

Keep coming here and let loose if you want to. We want to hear your story. You need to tell your story. Thinking you're self indulgent is just another bad tape.

MM

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page