Unease with Silence

[gratitude28]

I always feel myslef needing to fill in silent gaps in conversation. I am trying to learn to sit in comfortable silence with people I like, but it is very hard for me. I also had to learn not to jump in and answer questions for people. It has been a long time since I have answered for others, thanks to a friend who pointed out that I did that. One other bad habit I have almost eradicated is finishing sentences for people - especially as your sentence ending does not often fit their real idea... I guess overall I am learning to listen, but the silence in conversations is still hard for me to let be.
Love, Beth

[dandylife]

Beth,
I don't have a problem with silences, in fact, that's how I prefer it! Lots of nice, quiet, solitude. My partner is very frenetic, and feels the need to fill up spaces, so it's a little uncomfortable for him at times.
So, I can't really help you with that feeling.

But what you said, "a friend who pointed out that I did that" was really interesting and resonated with me. It's kind of interesting what it takes for us to recognize our shadow side. I was thinking about an instance for me and it was when my mom was talking to me about my marriage and she looked at me and said, "you seem to somehow like the drama."

I was so taken aback because of course I don't see that in myself. But since then, I keep that in mind.

Dandylife

[darren]

I have the exact opposite problem... ever wish people could swap their quirks with other people? 

[ann3]

Hi Beth,

I had the same thing, had to fill in the silences.  But now, when there's a silence, I just let it be and now, I enjoy those silences.  I feel more relaxed now that I no longer feel the need to fill the silences.

[Gabben]

Hi Beth,

I can relate. Have you ever noticed how a defect of character will just slip away without us really having to work on it other than looking at our fears and asking why or where it came from?

Perhaps there is a need to control/fear and or some memories and pain that is coming up for you?? ((((((beth))))))

Because I tend to spend a lot of time with sponsees, where there is quite a bit of silence, I have recently noticed this mark of fear of silence only slightly, very slightly.  Silence is not that uncomfortable to me and I find that I can be quiet with people -- just hang in silence with ease. But in the past this was a huge issue, mostly in my twenties.

Gabben

[hardtotrust]

In my case I found out I was unease with silence due to my difficult with intimacy. Being in silence with someone meant being there, looking the person in the eyes, no masks. I wasn't used to that and got afraid.

[gratitude28]

Thanks for the remarks and observations...
Hmmm... I really wonder about the intimacy thing. I wonder why I feel nervous if it gets quiet. I don't even sit or long quiet periods with my husband and kids... and I am tremendously comfortable with them. I even talk to the dog - lol. Actually, I do sit quietly with my parents. Not in anger or fear or anything, but I am at the point where I realize there is nothing to talk about with them. I am especially this way, I think, with NM. Dad can discuss things - with her it is senseless. I tried one day to sit quietly in the teacher's lounge. I ended up saying something to the other person in the room because I was uncomfortable just sitting there. Yes, Darren! I need to switch places with you. Lise, I wonder if it will drop away. It is funny, sometimes in meetings it was quiet, and I was OK with that. If I had said whatever I felt compelled to say, I felt no need to add more. Ann! Nice to see you (weren't you here a while back??). Dandy, thank you - you are right. It is hard to see what we do sometimes because we are what we are. I guess that's all part of the learning process.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hey Beth,
Ever been to Friends Meeting (Quaker) or a simple meditation group?

xo
Hops

[gratitude28]

Hops,
You know, Iam really thinking about going to a Bible group with my girlfriend here. For the next while, I will be working, though, so will need to wait a bit. I want to add a few things to my life that I think would be good (and take a way a few that are not so good)... well, progress is always good, right????
Thanks Hops!!!
Love, Beth