Resistance is ...futile(?)

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les,

Whew, the fur is really flying over on that "somebody" thread today. The other posters there really gave it to her better than I did. I think she is actually the N. My Nmom and sister always like to say I'm angry as if that's a bad thing. I guess they think that gets to me. But their words have no power anymore because my light has finally turned on. And she (somebody) was blaming everyone else....even her kids - "they were jealous", "they have N tendancies", "they lie"...................dang!!!!

Well enough about the coddler. You asked about acceptance. I think you answered that in your last paragraph about admitting the truth about the horrendous things your Mom did to you. It is exhausting to do this work of excavating and learning to see your truth...not the truth that is perpetrated on you by the N's unreality.

Someone mentioned the book by Dr. Phil McGraw - "Self Matters". I haven't actually read the book but he did go over the book on his show and it really got me to do some excavating of my own. Admitting the whole truth about things and pinpointing pivotal moments in your life and pivotal people helped me a lot.

And I finally let go of the "we're close", "we have a happy family", "we're better than other people" syndrome that my NMom perpetuates. She is still doing it, but now I'm not buying it. Even in that last email she sent me she painted a rosy picture. Everybody is great......she is a reasonable Mom (meaning I'm not reasonable because I don't do what she wants). She also said "I'm not the enemy". Well, I never said that to her but she is using guilt there. But in fact she is the enemy. So enough said there.

I don't think there's a magic formula or anything. The truth and the by product of acceptance just finally sunk in. I don't know if that helps, but it seems like you are on the path of learning. And it doesn't matter whether you fix things with your Mom before she dies. You won't be able to fix things IMO or really make them much better. You'll still have the same issues when she's dead. So better to just keep slogging onward "until" as Dr. Phil says. He's an old Texas boy.

Oh, I think I've lost my train of thought here and might be babbling. So I guess I'd better go now. Good thoughts for you dear Canadian lady.

MM

[les]

Damn - I have written 2 replies and each time I somehow delete them!

So, in short, - I learned something watching the Somebody saga unfold. Saw my own repressed anger.  Saw the sickness it spawns - in the name of understanding and forgiveness.  I'm beginning to hate those words.  

I'm not sure what to do next with my Nmother.  At 91 she's coming clean..a bit.  The pay off for me is that I get to hear a tiny sliver of truth for the first time from her.  But I am also father confessor, psychologist and an abused daughter all in one. Actually somehow I have had to be this all my life.   In a way nothing has changed - she still can't see that her "truth" is anything else except "fascinating" and a spring cleaning for her.. Getting ready maybe for the next big step  (oh please, oh please).


The thick conjestion is loosening but I think I'm going to break a lot of blood vessels as it gets coughed up.

I wonder if keeping the lid on is ever a better option?

I'm not sure at the moment what I am trying to say. But will post anyway.
Les

[mighty mouse]

Les,

Howdy from Texas.

That "somebody" person was so disgusting in protecting evil. I think evil perpetrated on a child is the worst. I was very glad to see people on the board standing up for the kids. I swear I was going to quit the board if I saw anybody giving her the kind of support we usually give on this board. The people here are so insightful, I was gladdened to see them call her on all of her rants and specious arguments. Man, she was a hard case. And I'm glad my faith in this board has been preserved. When she first posted that night, I saw her post and waited until the morning to see what kind of response she would get. I admit I was a bit afraid that she would get sympathy. I mulled it over in my head and was disturbed. I knew I wanted to rip her head off in a manner of speaking. Monstrous.

I'm glad that thread opened up something for you. Did it validate your feelings at all? I'm wondering if someday you are going to "blow" and what that will be like. Are your daughters both on their own now? I know it's probably too hard to let loose when you have offspring in the home.

I too sometimes write stuff and it goes poof. Very frustrating especially if you're in the middle of a long post. Then your resolves goes bye bye to try and recreate the thing. Good thoughts to you dear lady.

MM

[les]

Yes I just blew!  I really needed to get out some of the gory details and I found a "covertincest" board tonight.  My god there is a board for everything. It's just too much in many ways to post here. So I told more of that story over there although I have let some of it out here.  Now what to do about the old bag. I can feel a show down coming. It might be controlled or I might blow my stack and she'll finally have the heart attack she fears.


I feared that I might sound too reasonable with Somebody and attract the rage of everyone as well.  Glad you'll still "talk" to me MM. You vented the rage that I couldn't.  I thought it might be possible to reason it through with her, bring her round.  The whole thing shone new light on my bottled feelings.  

Well good night dear mighty mouse. I am really done in from all my posting but I'm feeling so much clearer.  We will meet again I know. Maybe the subject of ANGER[/b]!!!!!! would be good to explore a little more.

Les

[Portia guest]

Hiya Les, MM, reading posts from the bottom up so don't know if this is said elsewhere but anyway, Les said:

I might blow my stack and she'll finally have the heart attack she fears.

Well, a little while back Bunny said something great:

“People don't die even if someone is enraged with them”

I think this is true!   P

[les]

Oh well, there goes that idea! Back to plan A - hold my ground, be strong and not take any more crap. I just realized how much energy it takes to "hold" the distortion she lives in- like being in a time warp on Star Trek or something. Code red! systems failing...can't hold the co-ordinates much longer captain!! This huge protective bubble of lies and fanasy that surrounds her - it's exhausting. Thanks for the comment Portia.

Les

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les,

Would it be busting your boundries if I went over to the other board and looked at your post? I don't want to go over there if it's not okay with you. I know which board you're talking about. I won't take it personally, I promise (if you say nay).

Did you really "blow"? I use that statement because my H is so nice and calm and centered that my older sister once said" Yeah, he's gonna blow one of these days". She was just kidding of course. He's 6'5" and we call him the gentle giant. Quite a contrast him and I - like Mutt and Jeff. Oops, dating myself there.

Of course I'm going to still talk to you. You are being you and it's great to have different perspectives on things. I do tend to be more like a guy with my damn the torpedoes responses. That's the INTJ in me coming out. People don't expect this from a female and I don't always get such a favorble response. I've tried to temper my language a bit in recent years so as to be more palitable to people with a more sensitive nature. But that somebody was working my last nerve with all that prattle of hers.

I loved your Star Trek analogies, btw. Code red indeed!!!!!!!!

MM

[les]

Wouldn't mind at all MM - I am under a different name over there but I think you will spot the post without much trouble and as I wrote it I realized that I'd actually told quite a bit of my story here.  Just feeling a little guarded about saying any more than that  to the world at large.  It's interesting -it's a quiet board. It takes quite an effort to discuss this kind of thing.

For me - expressing myself is almost like blowing because what comes out is not very pretty - I have blown at my mother before - actually for about 2 years straight. I had daily fantasies about killing her.  At least I'm getting beyond that but there are days I think I may just rip her head off and be done with it all.
 
So what's the news down in Texas? Your husband sounds like a home grown Texan at 6'5'' and you just a wee little thing!

Any new developments on the home design/decorating front?

I told my husband that I was so glad to have the summer off to be able to devote time to all this -a summer of repair  - interior renovation - lots of stuff getting chucked and burned!

Thanks for your interest in me MM! - I really trust and appreciate you.

Les

[mighty mouse]

Okay Les,

So you do some interior work and I'll do some interior decorating. You've inspired me. I don't have time (or money) to get an interior design license but with the help of a client of mine, I've been thinking I should put a small portfolio together of her house (I helped her redo a few rooms) and my house. It's not much but a start. I'm still in the thinking stage as you can tell.

I went to the other board and had a small peek. You are correct in saying that you have told most of your story here already. And I'm glad you don't have the daily fantasies of offing your Mom anymore (better for you, right?) BTW I found that board the first time you or another poster mentioned that phrase or maybe it was a book? Anyway, I can see why you had those thoughts. That other venue is quite staid compared to this free for all over here.

I forgot you are on a break from school. Our schools start again the 2nd week in August. This is very different from where I grew up. We didn't have to go back until September. Is that when you go back?

Thanks for appreciating and trusting me. It is mutual. And oh, my H is a homegrown Chicago boy. We are two peas in a pod. Imagine mighty mouse from PA and gentle giant from Chicago meeting? lol.

MM

[les]

Alright miss mouse! Just one step at a time, it's all you need do. And if there is a critic sitting on your shoulder nattering at you just tell them to get lost and let you play with your idea.  I think we shoot ourselves down before we even get to the runway sometimes - I don't know if that metaphor worked but...it worked for me!  So glad you are taking a few steps, starting with what you have. Good place to begin, right there, with your client's house and yours.

I may have mentioned that a friend of mine began that way too she happily putters away at it when time and energy permit.

I have a couple of business ideas too. Maybe I'll dust them off and take them out for a little show and tell. Speaking of show and tell school doesn't begin again up here until Sept. 7 and we may be on strike shortly thereafter so a little business on the side wouldn't hurt.  I think i overwhelm myself with the to do list and' the what if' possibilities and
 I coudn't possibly scenarios.

Hooray! for taking a chance, taking a step!

 "my story."  It fits into 5 or 6 paragraphs. What doesn't fit and what I would have told Somebody if I'd been able to is that no matter what the perp. did, the effect on her child started from that day and will be long lasting. It's not a one time event  as she characterized it- the trust was broken, security - broken,  peace of mind - shattered... fear in first place. And her child had to worry for years  about the next child in line.  I don't think Somebody got that - everything changed after the event, whatever it was, for the dark, miserable, repressed worse.  I only just REALLY got it and I've lived with it all these years not really truly knowing what the hell was going on with me.

 Reading some of the posts on "covert incest" taught me that the on -going sexually charged, boundary crashing atmosphere can do so much damage. A woman who had been raped and also "covertly' abused by her parents was relieved to finally understand this additional terrible emotional burden. Anyway it looks like Somebody is gone and I certainly don't want to stir the swamp and see her bubble up to the surface again. If perchance you read this Somebody just learn and be quiet.

Shopping tomorrow with NM.  I am getting a little big in the britches here and who knows what will come out. I'm so tired of it all but not sure confrontation is the way to go at this point.  Red alert as they on Star Trek - got mixed up with my Code Red and Red Alert.

So keep me posted!

Les

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les,

I read you over on the other thread and am very glad that your last visit with your Mom was better for you. So I guess this board really is doing something positive for you.

Don't think somebody is gonna get it. She doesn't want to. It's too bad that people don't realize all the harm that this sort of thing does. My friend in CA is still going to therapy, dealing with an N Mom that looked the other way and won't take any responsibility, and still to this day torments her. Very sad and sick stuff. It's beyond me how a mother could do that to a child.

I wish I could agree that the nurse wasn't still around, but I am seeing her handiwork. She would deny that too of course. She's still here. I can feel the evil.

But on to more positive things. I will be gone for a month starting in August for a vacation. We've been waiting all year for this. Since Texas is hot in August we usually reserve this month to go somewhere cool (er). Last year we went to Vancouver and then over to the San Juan Islands. This year off to San Miguel de Allende to brush up on our Spanish. We have a house rented and I'm very excited. I've wanted to go there for 25 years.

So I am busy packing for the long trip and hope to see you when I get back. I wish you well with your progress. I can tell you have a very good, kind, warm heart. I hope the taint will be off the board when I get back. I guess we'll see.

MM

[les]

Hope you have a fabulous time MM - it sounds like such an interesting community - I have a friend who goes there in the winter.

Will miss you and look forward to seeing a red-caped mouse on the board in September. Thanks for all your help - BTW as I went through my mother's apt. door I felt a surge of panic so called on MM to be with me.  You swooped down to save the day...whatever gets you through, as they say!

Les