Gaining Strength - one thing that I do sometimes is I follow the thread of the shame to find its nature and source. I have issues with daily life things such as chores too. I will pick a household chore that is currently a node of shame.
Here am I scrubbing the bathroom on a random Saturday. While I do this work I go through - impatience, anger, a feeling of shameful inadequacy, pride in the comprehensive way I work as I was taught (pass the white glove test), a feeling of closeness and love, and alienation and anger.
Then, I will follow the narrative of that chore and associations to that chore back through time. For me, it is cleaning the bathrooms. I have a whole history of issues with cleaning the bathrooms back through time to my grandmother's white glove tests and micromanaging my re-cleaning when I failed to meet her expectations. There is also that she was outraged that I did not already know how to clean bathrooms before she taught me (that my mother did not teach me/mother's daughter/ associated shame). Also that I was not already cleaning for my dad (failing in my role of caretaker). Then there is my dad's rage that he does not have someone who cleans the bathroom and must consider such a thing. Then there is his entitlement that some other person must be found to do this mundane chore. Then there is his anger at his wife for disastrously departing from his expectations, and at his whole life situation which also disastrously departed from his expectations.
I feel love and anger for my grandmother teaching me to do this and all the circumstances around it. And pride in my work and shame and embarrassment at its mundane, low, unimportant nature.
Edited to add: Oh and then there is all the railing at me if I did not clean the bathroom on time that I am a sloven and like my mother and lazy and a slob - all this shaming. If I don't get up at 7 on Saturday and turn the whole house out. And even if I did, no one would mention these tasks beneath mention. And no one should have to notice that these tasks happen - because the tasks have not been done. That's an outrage! Like I should not feel pride in doing what there is no pride in doing, but must be done by me or else I am the personification of outrage. No win no win no win.
Jeez its a wonder I ever get the bathroom clean at all. And you know what always blows me away is it is all ghosts. I clean my bathroom now on the house I own. It's not about my mother and father and grandmother, but those associations all come with the action.
I don't know if this helps at all. Please compost what does not. My area of difficulty these days is more with human relations and I am not getting much traction on understanding it. The above process is not working so well for me there.
