Taking my independence

[Gaining Strength]

Yesterday my T and I really got some important things out on the table.  I could not convey the crux of the matter here in a way that would make sense.  But he said something that the time is right for me to embrace, "If you want independence you must take it."

I have reached a point in my healing and in my psychological growth that it is now time to stand up and take my independence.  I have been waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping for my parents to bless me with my independence.  I did not really know that I was doing that but I was. 

I have really just given up in so many ways.  The anxiety and shame have been just too much to battle.  The lack of help and in fact the opposition from my mother in getting out of the deep pit that I have been in has been too much - too overwhelming.  The amount of energy needed to deal with my rambunctious, highly hyper, hyperactive ADHD little boy has been too much.   The lack of help in raising a rambuction, highly hyper, defiant and somewhat oppositional, hyperactive ADHD little boy has been too much. 

The mess made of my husband's estate by an incompetent attorney why has a good reputation has been too much. 

Cleaning up the legal estate issues from my husbands death and the physical mess from the damage to my home from the unbelieveable mold damage and the subsequent damage to the living space in my already not great house has been too much.  And the mess from my rambunctious, hyper son when I have been struggling with depression and overwhelming anxiety has been too much.

And now the time has come for me to face the music and begin to climb out and clean up.  I don't want to do it.  Noone would.  I would like to be on the other side but I don't want to do what has to be done.  It is too much and it is too much to do alone.  But I need to do it.  The time has come.

Now it is all about me.  I have finally identified the psychological forces that have ensnared me and I have pretty muc broken free of them.  Now it is my resentment that I have to clean it up that stands in my way.  I am mad that I have this mess.  I resent that noone has helped me when I have had too much to face.  I resent that I have been all alone in all of this and I am angry about it.  I am angry that I have to dig my way out all by myself.  I don't feel like doing it.  It will take along time and I am tired.  I am very, very tired.

I let little things get to me.  I decided that I would get to work this morning - that I would sit down and watch Montel Williams ONE more time and then get to work.  I sat down and turned on Montel and guess what - President Bush has a press conference.   Why does ABC have to cover it live.  Why can't they cover it on the news this evening.  Most people watching TV at 9am don't care about watching gavel to gavel coverage of his press conference.  If I did I could go to CNN.  Here on my last day of worminess I wanted to watch MOntel and then get to work. 

This is the last day I am going to take the luxury of complaining about such trivial things.  Beginning tomorrow I have a business to operate and a house to reclaim.  Beginning tomorrow my life will take on a new form. 

Part of me doesn't feel like doing the work.  Part of me resents how far down I am and how far out I have to dig.  The part of me that is thankful for all the opportunity available to me had better come to the forefront.

BTW - I'm not looking for advice about how to do this.  I am just posting to put out to the world my declaration that it is now time to take my life in hand and do something about turning things around.  I don't mind explaining something I have posted here but I don't want to take advice about how to do what I have ahead of me to do.  Finally I actually know what I need to do.  First thing is to turn off the dad blame TV.  I really wanted to see Montel on Betrayal.  What is the universe trying to tell me by putting Bush on during my last wasteful hour of TV?

[Ami]

((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))    I am here ,for you, if you need me, as you were for me, GS.    Love You, Ami

[Hopalong]

Oh GS.
I am so happy and inspired and roaring cheers for you.

Thank you for sharing this sea change.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks to both of you.  I have moved into a spoiled brat stage. 

"I don't want ta clean.  I don't want ta work. I don't want ta.  I don't want ta.  I don't want ta. Wanh, wanh, wanh!!!"

[Gaining Strength]

I made myself laugh after I posted this last post.  I'm still laughing.  I was acting like a baby Wahn, wahn, wahn  and it sort of felt good and then I realized that I actually feel like a baby.

I'm flat out mad that I have to do for myself thinkgs that my parents were supposed to do for me, to help me transition into a responsible, functioning adult.  Now (far to far into adulthood) I have to do it for myself and I am not happy about it and I am dragging myself complaining all the way. Wahn, Wahn, Wahn.  I don't want to go.

[Violet]

Dear GS,
Just reading how much you are dealing with makes me "feel" your exhaustion.  I also feel like I understand your frustration with the Montel/Bush thing.  It's like as ACONs we are so used to dealing with really huge stuff alone, all the time, rarely getting anything "big" and when we ask the "universe" for just one small little indulgence, just a little insignificant respite, it (the universe) always seems to Cr&P on us? 

(((((((GS)))))))

V

[Iphi]

Awesome GS, I know just how you feel and I believe in you and that you have the power to make things happen.  I was laughing at wahn wahn wahn - I will have to try that myself next time I am feeling that way, and oh yes there will be a next time - who knows, maybe in 10 minutes.

[lighter]

GS..... drink plenty of water and set small goals.....

::sending you energy and endurance for the road ahead::

[ann3]

Congratulations on your Declaration of Independence, GS.  I think I'm going through something similar.  I understand about the resentment of not receiving help and then finally accepting that we will never receive the help I desire and must do these things on my own, by and for myself.

It is like I'm finally growing up.  We (or I) am experiencing adolescent separation/differentiation and budding independence in mid-life.  It feels strange to experience, in mid life, what should normally be experienced in adolescence.  Now I wonder whether my parents didn't really want me to grow up, they wanted me to remain the little girl.  Even as an adult, my parents would call me 'little girl'.

Along with that independence is freedom.  The independnce makes us face up to our responsibilities, but we also have the freedom to choose what we want to be responsible for. 

[Iphi]

Yesterday my T and I really got some important things out on the table.  I could not convey the crux of the matter here in a way that would make sense.  But he said something that the time is right for me to embrace, "If you want independence you must take it."

I have reached a point in my healing and in my psychological growth that it is now time to stand up and take my independence.  I have been waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping for my parents to bless me with my independence.  I did not really know that I was doing that but I was. 

Dear Gaining Strength - as I went out for lunch this passage you wrote above was on my mind.  It really hit home for me as I have been struggling for a while with the conscious realization that I have been trying to get permission to live my life, from my dad.   The struggle to get that permission/approval/blessing has gone on for years.  But my being conscious of it and the impact it has had on me, that has only been for maybe a couple of years.

Until you wrote you have felt the same way, I never put this feeling in context.  I have always treated this feeling in myself as, how to say, my own stupid problem - as in my some aberration of mine that makes no sense and is unreasonable and from nowhere and inconveniently present and I just need to make it go away.  That's how I have treated myself in general.  That's how I was treated - all my needs and inconvenient whatevers.

It's the detachment of hearing someone else say it, I really believe, that allows me that distance to have an insight.  I was trying to get that permission/approval/blessing merely because that was standard operating procedure.  Wait to see what the N wants - then do it.  Even if it is about what I want, it still is not about what I want.  It's about what he wants and me figuring out what he wants and how to deliver it.  What I want has to pass that gauntlet of what he wants.  But that should all be in past tense.  What I wanted had to pass the gauntlet of what he wanted.  Many times it did not pass at all.  Sometimes what I wanted did pass completely.  But whatever the outcome - the gauntlet had to be run.

It wasn't crazy or irrational at all to consider the huge obstacle that was the permission/approval/blessing.  It makes perfect sense.

It just doesn't anymore.

Your post really helped me see the context and let myself off the hook.

[Overcomer]

Oh GS I know exactly how you feel.  I have been there.  I told a friend today that I wish someone would have given me empathy for having to raise 3 girls by myself-and one of them autistic!  And my parents have so much money and they sit back and watch my house turn into a trash pile while I lie in bed all depressed-no help.  Yes resentment comes to mind.  The only way I was able to clean up was to move!  Literally called a realtor and set a date to put the house on the market.

[Violet]

(((((((((Kelly)))))))))

V

[Overcomer]

I am mad for you Gaining!  Oh how the inconcistencies irritate!

[Ami]

Oh GS
  ALL I can think is that out of that nutty family grew a beautiful rose,you. You might not believe it, b/c we NEVER believe good things about ourselves.(That is part of our sickness)
 You, GS, ARE a beautiful rose. They may have "damaged" you, a bit, but it is all superficial. Under it ,is YOU. I know this, GS. Believe me. Sometimes ,s/one on the outside has to see our worth ,first,as my friend did for me.
  It is sad that this is true,but it is.
 *I* see your worth, GS. Under all the nutty messages ,in your head, is God's glorious creature.We,all have a "flesh"(part of us that is not under God's 'hand")The flesh propels us to do and think "bad" things. However, we have a part of us that is "good" and whole. That part can give us the strength we need to overcome the bad programming we got from our crazy families.
  Your M is NOT right and you have verification of that,now. That does help, I am sure.
 It must be SO hard with the money issue when you can see how easily they can help you. What a bite!!!!!!!
 GS, *I* see your 'beauty". Sometimes ,we need to trust an outside "source".        Love   Ami



(((((((((((GS))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Overcomer - thanks for your comment.  I posted last night and then fell asleep.  When I checked this morning I was so thankful to see your comment.  It is always difficult to pour your heart out in a vulnerable way and then get no response.  I am so thankful for yours.

Ami you must have posted just as I deleted.  Thank you.  In my dream last night I had a reoccurance of a common theme in which I have no clothes but this time I got some sheets to cover up just before people came.  Maybe the shame is starting to abate.