My Aunt Vs My Mother

[Ami]

I talked to my Aunt ,today. I told her that she is my "advisor" in mental health. She is definately the most "normal " person I know. I have a joke that aliens took her away  and then,dropped her back b/c she is so different from my M . I call her when I need a "marker" on the road ,as I progress toward health.
 Today, I asked her about "bad" thoughts(my favorite  topic-lol).She said that ALL people have bad thoughts. It is about the desire to BE a good person, not the thoughts you have .She said "No one is perfect, Ami."Of course, I have heard this thousands of times,but this time, I really heard it.  The sickness is in trying.
 It sounds trite , but I think that I got it,in the heart, which is the only place it really mattters.
  My M has read hundreds of books, studied hundreds of hours,gone to hundreds of hours of support groups and therapy and her sister just "knows" how to "feel" out life and is healthy b/c of it.
  A few weeks ago, a thought came to me about HOW to be healthy. It was to look at yourself realistically and at life, in the same way. That is it.
   I think that is the answer. Undoing the old tapes is the hard part of course,but at least I have a map and that is something.      Am

[Ami]

I know that no one was too interested in this thread.I was making the point that if we can deeply love and accept ourselves, so many of our problems, which seem so huge,will go away.
 For a person who does not demand perfectionism of themselves, so many problems disappear.
 My point was that I struggle so hard for things that come easily to my Aunt.
 So ,now, I am trying to get to that very deep layer in myself ,which TELLS me that I am no good and to reprogram it with,"I AM good."
 Then, many woes will just leave,I think.
 I have been given a human love,now, which is bringing me back to life and to the understanding of  God's love. I never could get a sense of what unconditional love would feel like(God's love),but now I do.
 I can "feel"how God would love you, just as you are.
This level of God's love would 'burn" away the pain that is lodged down deep. It would turn the shame(I am bad) in to "I am accepted"
                                                    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I want to acknowledge this thread Ami.  I think your are writing something that makes alot of sense.  I have also enjoyed Leah's thread about the therapy.  I am trying so hard to change the way I see myself and the world. 

I heard something on NPR yesterday about a black rock band.  Everywhere they go people ask if they are an R&B band.  People expect them to be something more closely associated with black musicians.  It is infuriating to the band. 

That story and your thread and my current struggle make me think about how important it is to have constructive expectations for ourselves.  It is becoming clear to me that I have conformed myself to what I think are my parents expectations of me - just waiting for those expectations to change.  I really must change my own expectations - of myself and of my experiences.  I bring a negative energy to the things I have to do.  I expect them to be difficult and to fail and so I don't get anywhere with them.

[Ami]

I was hoping that you would "get" my thread ,GS. It is much bigger than just my Aunt.It is about the basic core of who we are and how we see ourselves. Thank you, GS.                 Love   Ami

[Gabben]

  A few weeks ago, a thought came to me about HOW to be healthy. It was to look at yourself realistically and at life, in the same way. That is it.
   I think that is the answer. Undoing the old tapes is the hard part of course,but at least I have a map and that is something.      Am

I had written this wonderful post (at least I thought so ) for you but I forgot to login while trying to submit it and then it all gets lost....so frustrating!

Now I have to get some work done and I am uninspired. I'll get back to this thread later because I really like the line you wrote above and I have some thoughts to share.

Hugs,
Gab

[Ami]

((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))) It is SO frustrating to lose posts---URGGHHH!!!!             Love   Ami