Papillion's Story

[Ami]

Dear Papillion,
  It is good to hear about a good therapy experience. I am glad that you had that. You sound as if you are finding your center. Once we have a sense of our center, life does not seem so heartbreakingly painful, I think.
  I was very encouraged to read your story,Papillion. I hope that you will keep writing and sharing more.      Love  Ami

[hardtotrust]

If this all sounds simple, I can assure you it wasn't. It's has unfortunately been quite a long process with a quite a few religions and therapists participating along the journey. But I suspect and hope that the worst is behind me.

Thank you, Papillon.

How long did this process take? Religion has been really important to me as well, I had to make a major change last year, 15 years of beliefs that didn't help me.

Which kind of therapy helped you most?

It seems to me everytime I go deeper in my therapy, I find more repressed anger, and it doesn't get better in the short term. Have you experienced it?

[Leah]

In therapy ‘I’ was encouraged to connect with my desires and express them, particularly through the arts, writing and volunteer work and a significant career change.  ‘I’ experienced the synthesis taking place, and whenever a synthesis took place, ‘I’ then experienced an increase in energy from the energy being freed in me, and I’ve been quite consistently experiencing an ever growing sense of peace and well-being. 'I' was finding a voice, direction, life, harmony and quiet optimism.

Thank you, Papillon,

for sharing your inspirational life story.

Warm thoughts,

Leah x

[papillon]

Thank you Ami, you're just so warm. Thank you for all the encouragment that comes out of you. I hope it's been a good day for you.

Hi Hardtotrust, I'm heading over to your thread now  , just wanted to acknowledge that I read your questions here and will come back to them.

Thank you Leah for your warm thoughts, they're appreciated.

Hi PheonixRising, I'd love to chat with you re this topic so will post more here - soon. Also, I'd be fascinated to read your experiences if you have a thread about it that I could read? I'll check member's stories and have a look after I pay a visit to Hardtotrust's thread.

Papillon

 



 

 

[Ami]

((((((((((Papillion) Thank you for those words. They mean so much to me tonight whenI am hurting.    Love, Ami

[teartracks]

Dear Papillon,   (Papillon's Story) http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=7350.0

I'm honored to be on the board with you. 

I love the neat, tidy way you tell your story.  I especially love how clearly it comes through.   Thank you for sharing it. 

I read most of your posts tonight.  They all speak tenderness and care.   Your being here is a jewel.

tt

[Ami]

Oh Papillion
  I loved  your last post. I learned so much from YOUR therapy appointment(lol). Rock On, with your painting, Papillion. You are owning your life. I can tell by how you write.
 Could you write about your childhood, if you care to.
 Have you already?
 Did you have N parents? Did you have a relationship with an N as an adult?
                                                                                     Love to You and Thanks for all you share,      Ami

[papillon]

Hi Teartracks and Ami

Hi Teartracks - Thankyou for posting your words of kindness. I appreciate them. You mentioned me being a jewel here and that was a very lovely sentiment, thanks. I have strong imagery and immediately went off track and began wondering which jewel (precious gem) you'd be if you could be a jewel. Then I wondered which precious gem I'd be. Then Ami and Izzy and Hardtotrust and so forth. Wouldn't that make an interesting jewellery piece.

BTW - Your name reminds me of that song 'Tracks of my tears'. 

Thanks TT

Hi Ami,

Thanks for posting such encouragment, and thanks for reading. Thanks for the questions.

In this therapy the time we spent on discussing childhood and childhood events was fairly brief initially. More rough out-lines and headings. I was told by a therapist that I shouldn't ever go into psycho-analysis and that most likely CBT would be far more effective for me. Originally I ignored that advice. I agree with it now.

In the sessions with this threrapist it certainly comes up, but no discussion of details is encouraged. It's more like mentioning a context - a header. I think when I begin talking about my childhood it ends up pretty repetitive and pointless. All I wind up doing is describing 1,000 different ways the same types of abuse were dished out. Just 'abuse' suffices for now, and I feel understood enough to be fine with that. Who knows, maybe one day I'll feel the urge to drag it all out again and I'll go bore a few million internet junkies to death on a personal blog page of my particular abuse. If I get that urge I think might just choose to ignore it . Maybe not. I don't know. I can't predict the future. But at this stage it's not for me.

So to very briefly answer your questions.
Physically - mentally - emotionally abusive childhood. Experienced and observed a significant amount of extremely frightening rages and outbursts and terrifying physical violence from pre-birth.

Yes, sadly I had very disordered parents who were in a seriously violent enmeshed relationship. One seems to me now to have been maybe full Anti-socialPD/BPD/NPD and the other perhaps (unfortunately) had undiagnosed Bi-Polar as well as maybe hypoglycemia issues. NPD too I think. Both are long gone now.

They both had tragic and awful childhoods, with absolutely no understanding or opportunity for professional intervention - unfortunately for them and me.

They found each other at quite early ages and immediately enmeshed. In their long running saga of enmeshment and violence they lived an existence that somehow met very strong needs in themselves and each other. It seemd as if it was never positive. It was overwhelmingly tragic in the most unhealthy ways.

Sometimes it still surprises me to find myself saying this - I understand them now.

I can understand them being who they were. I simply place them against the backdrop (and in the context) of their own horribly pain-filled childhoods. I don't have any anger or hatred in me to towards them - now!   I did though, for a long time.

Yes, I've had many relationships with Narcissistic types. I tend/tended to be attracted to them. Of course it's old childhood stuff. Boundaries and therapy have helped me there. Write's post spoke to me so strongly re this. I was so used to needing to seek nurture and sustenance from people who didn't/couldn't love me that I was blindly doing in it adulthood too, and making myself miserable into the bargain.  That was me living a 'double-loser' life. Repeating childhood in adulthood when I had the power to change it.

I've constructed my own personal definition of love and healthy relationships. Whenever it becomes obvious to me that these elements aren't functioning in me or the other person I just simply do a little bit of personal boundary work. My definition of love is really just 3 simple things. Probably inadequate for others, but they work for me. Tolerance, respect, validation. For me, if I'm experiencing these things in a relationship, and if I'm giving these things in a relationship, then it's a loving relationship.

I hope you're doing okay Ami,

Papillon

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -:-Anais Nin

[Ami]

Boy Papillion,
 You seem to understand yourself well. I bet it  took time. Did it?
 What factors ,inside you, enabled you to forgive your parents? Do you remember the steps, processes you went through to get you from Point A(anger toward them) and Point B(no anger, acceptance)?
  If you care to say,has it been hard for you to find a relationship with a SO(significant other)?(if I am being too personal, forgive me and ignore the whole thing-lol)
 I know about repeating childhood patterns in adulthood.
 I think the Anais Nin quote just about summarizes my life(lol), Papillion.
  IMO, you have brought tremendous wisdom to the board. Thank you!                   Love  Ami

[papillon]

Hi Ami,

Thanks for your post. How is everything going? I was reading in one of your posts about your support group. I'm glad that you've found an empathetic environment in real life. 

Just want to answer this question,'

"What factors ,inside you, enabled you to forgive your parents? Do you remember the steps, processes you went through to get you from Point A(anger toward them) and Point B(no anger, acceptance)?"

The circumstances that helped me understand my parents was learning about the effects of violence on children. At first I researched and absorbed as much material as possible in relation to how it affected me. Alice Miller's writings connected powerfully with me.  Do you know who I mean? In particular, 'For your own good' by Alice Miller was very helpful for me in understanding me. I had some therapy at the time. Then I moved onto reading her stuff in the light of what I knew about my parents childhoods. That explained so much to me about why my parents were like they were.

I already knew quite a bit about my parents childhoods, and I knew what they were like as adults, so I took out some time, interviewed some relatives, read through old letters etc, looked through old family photos and I wrote my parent's stories - as impersonally as possible. Just the facts - like a police report, with none of my hatred, anger, feelings and perceptions. The facts alone of their individual childhood stories were really very tragic, and I think I'd have had to have a heart of stone or be as blind as bat to not see that.

I felt really sad that they had had no help. Therapy wasn't a word I don't think they'd ever have used. They were totally un - self aware. Yes, there lives were miserable, and that was all they were able to reproduce - misery. Without help it was like they had no other way to be. They had no other point of reference.

My childhood life with them was simply like a reincarnation of their childhoods. And my adult life had been developing some strong similarities too.  That was frightening.

Writing about their childhoods and lives was surprisingly helpful and validating for me. I lost my hatred and anger. Since then I've read most of Alice Miller's stuff over the years and for me so it's seems to be perfectly relevant.

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php In case you don't know of her, she's and expressionist style painter as well. Art therapy stuff. There's a gallery in the site of her paintings as well.

and other good site based on Miller's material is http://www.naturalchild.org/alice_miller/

Thanks for chatting Ami,

Papillon




 

[Ami]

Dear Papillion,
   I read your posts last night (from your Profile) and I saw that you did not use the past as a millstone around your neck.You have tremendous insight in to yourself, and life.
 I am JUST coming out of blaming my M for "everything"--bleh.
Papillion, I would call you a "winner". To me, you took what you had(hard childhood, bad feelings) and worked to overcome the gray house you were given to "paint "it 'bright pink"(forgive me , if you don't like pink but  is my favorite color(lol)).You took "your house" and made it as beautiful as you could, and it IS  beautiful.
 You reach out to others,as well as have an inner  strength.I think the strength is in  knowing yourself ,accepting yourself,and understanding  the human condition. You are a beautiful voice for us,on the board.. I am so very glad you are here, Papillion!
Keep Sharing,Friend.                      Love, Ami

PS I appreciate the Alice Miller information.I don't think I appreciated her when I read her ,before. I was not ready ,I don't think.

[hardtotrust]

Thinking of you, Papillon!

Hugs!