Author Topic: not trembling anymore.... hopeful future  (Read 2625 times)

lynn

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« on: July 26, 2004, 11:50:40 PM »
Hi friends,

I've been off the board for a few weeks.  Tonight I spent some time reading recent posts.  sjkravill, your trembling post and the replies motivated me to write this hopeful thought.

I am divorcing an NH of 23 years.  The divorce process is long, unsettling and disruptive.  Really hard to deal with at times.  It was January of this year that I made the decision to leave NH.  I had found, for the first time, information on Narcissm.  It blew me away. Jolted me.  Made me sit up and take notice.  From a place of fear, walking on eggshells, constant confusion.... I read the story of my life!  Putting a lable and an explanation on the marrage nightmare was an amazing turning point for me.  Yes, my NH had a sweet side.  He was successful.  He wove a story for me that told what a great father and husband he was.... and despite all the evidence to the contrary, I chose to believe him.  That false belief led to a great discrepency in my life.  I'm sure others can relate.... It is a very difficult situation to live in.  What you hope for, what is real, what you believe... none of these line up.

In the trembling post, someone posted a link to "Loser"  I read that tonight as well.  My H fits that description to a T.  I don't know about your H, sjkravill, but my situation got worse over time..... the signs were all there in the beginning, but I was unable/unwilling to see them. I wanted so very much to have a happy family that I did not recognize the compromises I was making.

The folks who talk about the level of complexity that shared time, children, money and assets contribute are absolutley right.  Add to that increasing isolation, fear, confusion..... and leaving a marrage becomes a real challenge.  

Here's the hopeful part.  I have had some incredibly low points in this process... but a week or two ago, I seemed to have turned a corner.  I feel so much lighter.  Much more confident.  I feel happy.  I feel "free".  This may not be a permanent "good place."  Just the same, I wanted to tell you that for me, I have reached a better emotional place.  I AM happier.  I am more confident.  The me that I gradually lost over two decades, is beginning to be refound.... and the best part... the most hopeful part.... is that I like myself!  I like the me I am finding.

Everyone needs to make their decisions in their own time and in their own way.  The benefit of this board is that you can learn from others wisdom.  Remarkably, there is a pattern to this whole N thing.... Sure, every situation is unique, but read the board for any length of time and you see things happen over and over.  I guess that's why your post put up such a red flag.  Because some of us who stayed in our marrage for decades, realize the benefits of bailing much earlier.

Hope for your future,

lynn

sjkravill

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 67
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2004, 08:23:56 AM »
Hi Lynn,
Thank you for your story.  Thanks for your wisdom and your hope.  I hope you continue on in that wonderful direction.
peace, sjkravill

pandora as guest

  • Guest
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2004, 12:21:26 PM »
Hi Lynn-

You sound great.  It's good to hear that you are doing so well.

Pandora

Anonymous

  • Guest
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2004, 01:05:46 PM »
lynn,

I'm glad you're feeling so good. Keep it up!  :D

bunny

sonia

  • Guest
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2004, 08:19:50 PM »
Hi Lynn,

Being able to put a label on this thing was the best thing that happened to me too. When it has a name, a definition, when you know you're not crazy, it's a weight lifted from the shoulders. I never dreamed I would find the answer to my problems by just typing self absorbed into Google. And there it was. Narcissism!!! I was truly "echo". A bold new day dawned for me.

Getting out from under the constructed beliefs, peeling away the layers and seeing some truth was very liberating. But it took me a long time to actually process this....even though it had a name. But you have to start somewhere. You have to get rid of the self doubt. That's a hard and ongoing process. Over time it's easier. But momma, a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!! Sweet!!!

Good luck to your ongoing process. It's okay to have bad days. There will be more and more good days ahead. Please count on it. Stand firm and get to know yourself all over again. It's exciting. It's a new chapter. Cheers.

Sonia

BlueTopaz

  • Guest
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2004, 12:30:58 PM »
Really great message Lynn!

You expressed things so well, and the things you have written have been  my exact experience, too.

Yes, it is very hard to leave (and I was not even married or living together) but as you say, it's a process.

Though I still have my things I'm working through almost a year after ending things (after 5 of dating), I'm sooooo happy I am not emotionally trapped anymore.   Deciding leave took me out of the trap of perpetually being in a hopeless limbo, with the dual pain of both the wanting to leave and wanting to stay emotions crashing up against one another.  With all that going on, I'd become emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed and just push it all aside and keep going on with things, status quo.

I admire your strength, courage, and the journey you are taking.....

Continued healing.

Michelle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2004, 12:55:16 PM »
Very inspiring message, Lynn.  It not only gives sjkravill hope but all of us - in our own situations.  Thank you for that.

sjkravill - I treasure your voice on this board.  I know it's not been an easy road, but know that people are rooting for you and keeping you in their thoughts.  I hope you do what is best for YOU.  There comes a time when you just have to think of yourself first - please take care of yourself.  Big hugs to you.  

Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Anonymous

  • Guest
not trembling anymore.... hopeful future
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2004, 03:40:37 PM »
I learned about N through another MB that is about an entirely different subject.  One of the posts mentioned that a boss was thought to be a N, and there was a link given to Narcissism. Boy!  I was reading not only about my x, but my father to some degree and definitely my mother to a larger degree.