Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Relationships while working through it all

(1/3) > >>

Anonymous:
Hi all,
I haven't posted for a while because I've been working through painful issues at home. I need some insight if it exists.

I've been married for almost 20 years. Things have always been good or ok, but never quite wonderful.

I recently found the term to describe my parents- they are both Ns. I confronted them 3 weeks ago and it feels good, no contact from them since, but I'm feeling much freer.

On the home front, things have been going downhill. Earlier this year I finally found my voice to tell H I was tired of playing second fiddle to his life. We married when he was in the military. When we met I was a very independent, outspoken, self-assured person. He seemed to love that. But after getting married he let me know that certain things were expected of me as wife of an officer. I wanted to make him happy, as was my way in relationships and it seemed to make sense. So I morphed somewhat to be acceptable. Don't get me wrong, I was not a terrible person, just slightly rebellious, didn't like to be told how to act because I had broken away from controlling parents who always did that. But as an officer's wife, I learned to act the role properly. Then I got pregnant and felt the only way to be a parent was to be like my parents and go to church and raise my kids in church and act the way they told me to at church. Plus, getting pregnant seemed to draw me back under N parents control - I thought I needed their support because H was always TDY. So for 15 years I have been compliant, behaving, etc. Situations have come up where I degressed and H reminded me that was not the way I should act as a mother. I felt the need to not be rebellious mostly for my children's safety. If I was not completely in control of my senses and on top of everything at all times, my kids would not be safe. H traveled 25-50% of the time while the kids were younger. Only recenlty has that stopped.

All these years I have hidden myself from myself to be happy. I suppressed my desires to have independent thought. Even when it made me very unhappy, I did it H's way because it was easier than doing battle. We always thought it was so amazing that we were so compatible, always agreed on everything.

Now, as I have worked through the issues from my N parents and early years, I am starting to see how I gave up myself to be what H wanted. I have only recently had the nerve to start disagreeing with him. The arguments have begun. He says I am making life difficult, he says he doesn't know how to act around me anymore. He says he feels like he's walking on eggshells around me because he's afraid I will disagree with him and he doesn't know what is the right thing to do anymore.

The truth is that this started the day I put my foot down (about 6 months ago) and told him I would not sit at home waiting on him to do all the things he wants to do in his life anymore while I watch my own life pass me by. Our kids are getting older and we are able to do more things without them, but as it happens in many families, we haven't had a lot of couples time and don't really know how to have fun together - alone. Plus since he traveled so much, most of his free time was away from us and he could pursue his interests while I stayed home with the kids.

We've tried to discuss all of this. He keeps taking vacations without us every year for over 10 years, even though I protest, because "I let him" in his words. He was gone so much and it killed me that he would go away from another week or more without us to spend time with his family. He didn't want us along because he wanted time alone with his brothers. He said we would only get in the way. So he traveled to them - 2500 miles away. They never came here because their wives would not allow it. I didn't want to be the b**** wife he said the others were so I felt I had to give in. But at the end of the time away I was fit to be tied. I was left alone to tend to 3 kids while he got a good non-parent break that was not required by work. I never got away - there was no time or money left for me. Year after year it got worse, I got worse and really threw a fit, but he kept going anyway.

Now he doesn't travel much and I have started speaking up for myself. He says he doesn't know how to handle it. He backs me for claiming independence from N parents, but says it's different with him. Of course it is! It's stuff he has to give up for me. That is not something he has ever had to do. He says it is very difficult because I'm the one who changed. Of course I changed - I've changed many times to keep the peace with whomever I am in a relationship with. I'm sick and tired of it. He knew me before when I stood up for myself and he fell in love with that person. But through the years he has gotten to know how to push the buttons my N parents pushed to get me to comply. It makes his life more enjoyable. As I discuss this with my T, she asks if it makes me happy. I say NO and she says I need to start thinking about what makes me happy. I am happy when those around me are happy, but I want to start discovering my interests again also. But if something make me happy, but creates a battle at home - is it really worth it?

I've discovered that H and I appear to be so compatible because he has a persuasive way that makes me give in. When he wants something, he tells me how great it will be. I say I don't think so and he says of course it will, because of this and this and that. Eventually I give in because it's not worth the fighting- I can't stand to fight! My N dad yelled all the time and I hate it. H really is a convincing person. Nothing has been very damaging or distructive except to my ego or embarrassment, but it hasn't always been what I wanted. He convinces me I will like it if I try it. This goes for kind of cars, to types of sports. It's always the things he wants and I'm adventursome so I try it and he convinces me this is what is good. I've always known what I felt, but he convinces me what I feel is not really what I feel. It's kind of like the thoughts some guys have about when a girl says no, she doesn't really mean no, she doesn't know what she really wants. That's the feeling it's been for 17 years. He convinced me to play golf, I wanted to like it but I suck at it. He takes me to play with 3 other guys and I can't hardly hit the ball. They all laugh at me, I drink some beer, laugh along to hide the embarrassment, hate myself and try to make the best of it. We have spent 4 anniversaries palying golf and I hate it! But it's what he wanted to do. I drove very large SUVs for years because he didn't want the minivan image anymore, until I totaled the last one because it had steering problems. He owns a huge truck now and I refuse to drive it. I finally got the minivan back after I set my foot down a few months back and demanded I get a car big enough for the 3 kids without their knees in their chins. Now he says it was a good decision, but at the time I brought it up, he actually thought I lost my mind - him in a minivan again!!!!

Now I have finally found my voice again and since I dare use it, he says I'm being difficult. I know all the technical terms for this - changing the balance in the family, etc. But here's the problem: He says he's not sure how or if he can change to accept me finding me again. He says he is set in his ways, has been used to me the way I've been and doesn't think he has the ability to see things differently. I know I've morphed a couple times in this marriage and if needed to continue the marriage, I will probably have to morph back into the compliant one again and give up what I really want out of life to support his desires. This isn't healthy for me, but is for the family. I've survived for almost 45 years by giving in to N parents and letting H run things. Is it right for me to ask for a voice again? I know the real answer here on this board is YES, but since I've given in for so many years, can there really be a remedy? I love H but I'm starting to learn to love myself again. I gave that up 17 years ago to follow his life.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Is there a solution? Are we too far gone to remedy it? I'm so sick of the arguments. All I have to do is disagree now and he gets very angry. I guess he thinks I'm challenging him and that doesn't work for him. He has agreed to seek counseling, but wanted to go to my T since she already had the background and he wouldn't have to cover it all again. He said she could help him understand how to deal with me. She told him it would be a conflict of interest. I told him I trusted her, but if she saw him also I would have to go find someone else because I need my own space in all of this. Where will I find peace? I really just want to be a whole person again. Is that really too much to ask? I feel I have given up so much for so many - to N parents for fear they would kill me, to H to support him, to kids to be a good mother. Now I only want a little bit of peace in my life. I don't really have much more of me to give anyore. I feel used up.

Ellie:
That was me- Ellie.

I got logged out while typing - I know - too much talking. I've heard it all my life. Too many words - nothing to way is what N parents always said. H just nods off to sleep. Here I can write what I want whether it gets read or not. :wink:

jessie:
This is a difficult one because the marriage was initially based on a lie - you weren't who he thought you were, and you didn't know who you were.
but a marriage that has lasted this long must have some good in it and is worth fighting for.
go for couples therapy - if it doesnt work at least you will know you've tried, and a good therapist can help you to separate if that is what it comes to.
it is unethical for him to see your therapist - I hope he can see that now.
i wish you well.

Anonymous:
Ellie,

Your husband has taken a huge advantage in this marriage. It's his personal empire and everyone in it is his loyal, unquestioning subject. And you went along with it for 20 years (boundary issue). As you now know, you pretty much sacrificed your own life. Now that you want to reclaim your life, he is trying to make you "go back" to the old, compliant wife. I don't think you can go back there anymore; nor can you change him.

All I can tell you is: Marriage Counseling. I see no other way to deal with it. Your husband is far too controlling for you to deal with on your own. A therapist is needed to provide authority and intervention.

If he is as anxious as he claims, he will see a marital therapist. Your T can give you referrals. His wish to see your therapist is another attempt at control.

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi bunny,
Yes H has taken advantage of his freedom and my compliancy. After writing this it dawned on me that when I disagree with him, he DOES take it as a challenge and he is extremely competitive. He has always said he will win, no matter what.

He was very athletic, very good at everything. It is hard for him to accept that I am not a natural in all of his interests. He sees it as I do not want to be with him. But if we can only do things together if they are his interest, and I am not good at the stuff he likes, therefore I do not like those things, where are we now? He has put on 100 lbs since we married. His physical limitations are now so that golf, other minor activities are what he's comfortable with. I have begged him for years to take off the weight, it gets in the way of everything, and I mean everything! He once told me he couldn't stand the thought that I might someday have my mother's body. My mom is about 35 lbs overweight. We're all short people so we do not carry it well, including H. Therefore, I had made every attempt to keep my weight and shape from when we married. I do it for me first, then for him. It takes work, commitment, sacrifice. And since I'm pre-meno now, it's really taking a workout! But I am determined. I feel like he challenged me early in the marriage and kinda threatened me to keep my shape. Our marriage has never been based on 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'. It's always been about what he wants.

P.S. He kept the weight off in the military when they said he had to. But he tells me it's just too hard and impossible.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page