I Will live my Life With Integrity

[Ami]

Tonight,my H started treating my son badly. My son did not do two chores. He treated him  in a very demeaning way. After my son left, I "got in my H's face" and told  that he was not going to bully my son b/c he could NOT bully me.Then, he started trying to push me back,verbally, but he can't anymore.He started being nasty to me,but he can't hurt me anymore b/c I am strong,now.
  I could see that he was surprised AND afraid of me. I have internal strength and if I need the police, I will have external strength and I WILL use it.When I lost my son, Scott, I lost many illusions about life.
  It is really good for me to see my H  for what he is. When he rails at my son, I see a bully who can't bully ME anymore so is going after s/one else.
 The patterns are becoming very clear to me and I am thankful for that. Scott is in Heaven ,so he is safe, even though *I* failed him. I failed him ,no matter what anyone says. I kept trying to make "right" what could not be made right.
 I lost my basic integrity and  that is how I could lie and lie about my life.
 I won't do it anymore.
       Ami

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((((((Ami - strong with integrity)))))))))))))))))))))))

tt

[Ami]

Thank you ,TT
 I was thinking about the times in my life when I was strong . I had integrity, then,a defined right and wrong.It gave  structure and  provided safety .I knew when to stay, to go, act and retreat .My NM put me in a blender ,on high speed, and when it stopped, I was shredded.
 The line in the song, "when you ain't go nothing,you got nothing to lose" is how I feel.
 You have a  certain strength when you are at the bottom.
  So, I am happy that I can see reality and take a stand.        Love   Ami
 
 

[Ami]

My F just called. He had a "cerebral" answer,'That is just life". I don't think it is "just life" to live with an abusive man, your son kills himself, and your other son is getting bullied.
  My gut tells me that that is WRONG.
 Maybe *I *am wrong,but my gut tells me that it is "just" life ,if you ALLOW it to be "just life"
 I think I will call my aunt and ask her what she thinks.Thanks for listening,very much.       Ami

[jordanspeeps]

Hi Ami,

My gut tells me that that is WRONG.
 Maybe *I *am wrong,but my gut tells me that it is "just" life ,if you ALLOW it to be "just life"

I believe a key factor in living with integrity is trusting your gut, AKA your intuition.  This is the third conversation I'm having about intuition today, it's funny, powerful signals in my life usually come in threes.  Well, anyway, I would encourage you to allow yourself to be guided by your intuition, which is believed by many to be God talking to you, wherein prayer is YOU talking to God. Your gut normally does not fail you, it's there to help you navigate your life, potentially save your life.  It is almost subconscious, instinctual.  It's the place you go before you even have time to think or analyze.  Trust your gut, Ami.

Take care

[Ami]

Dear Besee and Tiffany,
  I called my aunt and she gave me great advice. She said to trust my gut, as you did. She said that my F was WRONG to normalize' "outrageous" ' behavior.
 I see how I ended up "normalizing " outrageous behavior, myself, but no more!.
 I will live by values, my gut,my heart and integrity. Whoever falls by the wayside, let them go. I am so far down from losing my precious son, that I don't have much farther to fall, and that is a strength,in itself.
  Thanks so much ,Tiffany and Besee for your posts and your supportive words!           Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Good for your gut!
And good for you, Ami.

One day, perhaps you and your son will need another place to live.
But one step at a time.

Bullies are spirit killers.

love
Hops

[Ami]

I called my F and he apologized. He never "knew" how to set standards for his life OR he would not have been  a wimp,living with an N(self explanatory--bleh)
 I see that my F is clueless ,in many ways, about how to navigate life. He was a successful businessman ,so I thought he "knew" about life,but I guess that one  realm of success does not translate to another(the emotional realm)
 I was "shocked" to see how HE had abdicated his life, just as *I* had. He was my role model and I see that I did role model myself after him, which was to "take" all sorts of unacceptable behavior, as he does.
  Last night, I saw my H w/out blinders, too. I am very happy to be seeing the truth. My H treats me like gold,simply b/c he HAS to. He knows the "gig" is over with abusing me,but now he is trying it on my son. I see, with my eyes wide open---bleh.
 I told my son that I will stand up for him, always and he can count on it.
  I see just how I got to this sorry point.
 Ann said that when  s/one commits suicide ,they lose their  self protective mechanism. S/thing has gone very awry. I see, with me, that the same thing happened.Ann says that there is a "victim" spirit which  resonates with the predator spirit . One calls to the other.
I see how my losing the self protective mechanism set me up for all this pain and trouble.
  IF I had the basic self protective mechanism, I would have run so far from my H, right from the beginning and always, actually.
  Even my M saw how bad he was,one of the few times she had good sense.
  So, now I am coming  together and seeing the truths in life, which I have  been blind to.
  Before I got numb, I made a decision ,which I did NOT  honor.I saw a movie about a girl who was victimized and I said I would never let that happen to me. I did let it happen to me b/c I lost the connection  with the core belief in my goodness and "fitness" as a human being.
 I lost the truth of "Talk softly,but carry a big stick".You need the stick always, even if you hardly use it.
  That would be one lesson from my tragedy.
   I allowed my life to descend like this, even though it was NOT my" fault." I was denuded and underwater, so my life was a reflection of that. Now ,I am almost out of the water, and my life is reflecting that.So, as I gain my mind ,my external life will change and is changing.
  I know it was not my "fault" for Scott BUT it was a result,in part, of my being underwater and abdicating my life, as my F did.
  God forgives me ,but I still must face the truth,honestly. Honesty is the map out of emotional and mental illness, according to the Bible . It is working for me, and I am almost out of the lies and distortions.               Ami


PS I can see that my Aunt would never,ever allow what happened to me to happen to her D's. I asked her what she would do if they had a H like mine. She said she would let them come home.
 I told her about my H.She said,"Didn't he LEARN anything from the death of his son?"The answer is NO. He blames it on "brain chemistry. It was NOT brain chemistry,it was craziness. My H has learned nothing,less than nothing and now he is trying to repeat it,with my older son,BUT *I* have learned and that is the difference. It will never be the same again, b/c *I* am different. When I get totally up from underwater, then I will try to put my "house" in order.     
 

[Ami]

You know,Hops. My son died b/c he could not protect ME and my other son. That was the root of it. Scott took on the "role" of protector and he failed(in his own mind).Scott would tell me that he felt he was a "bad" person b/c he did not stand up more. *I* told him that *I* should have stood up, not him.
 Then, after all this, my H took him to be the Golden Child and he flipped out. THAT is the story---short and sweet. That is it.
 It is NOT brain chemistry as my H likes to say. It is being pushed way harder than your mind can take and breaking. That is it. the human spirit can be pushed so far and it bends and then breaks.
  Scott broke and that is what happened.
  Now , for me, it is a new chapter. Thanks Hops for your caring and loving support.      Ami
 
 

[Hopalong]

Always, Ami.

How is your son?
How is he coping?
Does he have support, outside the family too?
I know you must worry about him.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Ami,
Is your H the father of your sons?
Do you really believe Scott felt he needed to protect you? Why do you think this? Are you sure that this is all of what went into Scott's decision? It is human nature to try to find something as an answer to the pain. I am not saying your H was not a huge contributor, but do take in all of the factors that you know about, and remember their may be some you do not know about.
Why are you staying with your H?
How is your son? Is he getting counseling?
Love, Beth

[alone48]

Ami,

I remember once when my son was about 3 or 4, (he's 18 now) my ex father-in-law was berating him for something and I got in his face and said "you may have been able to beat down your own son, but you need to leave my son alone" He totally respected me after that ,but continued to bully the rest of the family though. My ex had been so beaten down he is still unable to make decisions, as it's easier to let someone else be wrong. That was our main problem.

I bet your H will think twice before he does it again.Remember too, Scott is watching and proud of you.

[Iphi]

She said,"Didn't he LEARN anything from the death of his son?"The answer is NO. He blames it on "brain chemistry. It was NOT brain chemistry,it was craziness. My H has learned nothing,less than nothing and now he is trying to repeat it,with my older son,BUT *I* have learned and that is the difference.

Dear Ami, back last fall when you were working on your issues arising from your relationship with your mom, I used to think 'you know, it's hard to say, maybe there is hope for her H.'  It's hard to make an assessment through the internet of people you never meet.

But you know, in my own life I waited and waited and tried and waited and waited and tried with my dad and he never learns and he never will.   He too always comes up with a reason that is scientific, that is physical, or that depends on such and such what-have-you, but most importantly, has nothing to do with him and absolves him of any sort of responsibility at all.  Then he won't have to change or learn anything.  He never does.  It's craven behavior and no matter how much he writhes, it is only his responsibility.

I understand what you have said about needing to understand how it came about so that you don't choose the same kind of relationship again.  But you know what?  You can do that same work just fine while being separated from him.  The important thing is you do that work to free yourself from the pattern, but that doesn't mean you have to live inside the pattern while you do the work.  You could be single and not looking.  It's a huge thing just to reclaim your own life, never mind about other relationships.

Love & support - Iphi

[Ami]

Dear Hops, Alone, Beth and Iphi,
 What 'hit" me when I read your posts was "Who needs therapy when I have you guys(lol)?
 You each have raised profound points and questions.
 Hops --my other son is doing very well,considering the circumstances. He is in school(half way through his degree) and working as a manager at McDonalds. He has been there since 10th grade when he started on the counter. He loves managing and wants to get a degree and then work in the corporation.
 He,emotionally, is doing better. He and I have worked together to face our lives honestly and there will be NO more abuse.I am trying to get my head above water, emotionally, and THEN I will have the sense to make whatever moves I need to make.
That is my present goal .
 Beth---This has been my only marriage(Isn't it enough--lol) and they are our children. I know I use the term"My children" and it can be misleading. I don't like the term our children and have never used it and people do ask.
Scott expressed those feelings  that he was a bad person b/c he could not"protect his brother(to whom he was really close ) and me.He would call me up and cry about it from college. Of course,I tried to "tell" him that it was MY fault,not his, if it was anyone's.However,my H took Scott"over" and made Scott his "best friend" and Scott could not integrate all the sick threads in the yarn(as I see it)
 Alone--   My H has messed with me AND my son for the LAST time. If he needs to go to jail, he will go. NO MORE!
 Iphi  You are exactly right. I need to reclaim my life. My first step is to get my "mind" back. I am slowly getting my sanity back. I will do what I need to do. In the meantime,no one will be abused and that is a fact.
 I need to use wisdom in what to do and how to do it. That is my goal, to find the way to live a life with dignity for my son and me. I will do it.
  Thank you all so much for responding. It means so much to me .           Love    Ami

[towrite]

Ami, IMO clarity, truth, feel so good after being in a fog or underwater for so long. You are discovering your strength that was there all along. In fact, I believe the N's see our strength and they treat us so badly b/c of it. Maybe they are afraid - like your H was - that our strength will expose them or serve as a reproach to them. I really do believe that.

I remember when my nephew was 3. He was the first grandchild. He was at M&D's house playing. He went up to where my NF was sitting and hit him lightly on the arm - you know how 3 year olds will do. My NF hauled off and slapped the child squarely in the face. I told my NF that he was acting like a bully 6 year old to an innocent 3 year old. Naturally he didn't speak to me for weeks after. Thank god there was a witness there so he couldn't later lie and say he didn't do it.

You rock, sistah!