self pity vs. ?????

[towrite]

I have been wondering about this. I have almost no one to talk to, to just discuss this with, so I am turning to you guys.

How do I know when I am indulging in self pity and when I am simply feeling or expressing pain?

I know I have a tape in my head that starts berating me whenever I even have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That same tape stops me from sharing some of the pain with my two faithful friends. I don't want to be seen as self-pitying, but I am scared if I do reveal much, they - or anyone listening - will see it as that.

How do I know the difference?

[towrite]

oh dear sweet Amber - your reply was so comforting you gave me tears in my eyeballs.

[gratitude28]

This is a great topic, towrite, and I have thought about it a lot but never verbalized it.

I think we are all entitled to self-pity. Those of us who are well-adjusted will have enough of it after a reasonable amount of time and return to normal life.

If you are glued to the pity potty, get some glue dissolvant. But if you are just having a short break on the throne, you are more than entitled.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
 I agree with Amber. IF you feel badly,it is a SIGN s/thing is wrong. It is counterproductive to judge or label it a"legitimate" feeling  or self pity(illegitimate).
 I see that you have a deeper issue here, which you probably know, which is not enough love for yourself or acceptance of WHERE you are. Also, you are not trusting your feelings, which goes along with the other parts(not enough self love and acceptance.)
 The answer is simple, BUT hard,hard,hard--to love yourself, somehow,some way.
 That answer would heal that problem and most others(IMO)
 How to undo all the tapes of self hatred is the problem AND the solution. I am with you, dear friend, trying to climb out of the horrible pit of self hatred. I have defined the problem(IMO). I wish enacting the solution were as easy.
 I am finding love,in my life, and feeling more self love ,as a result. I just got a Divine gift of a person loving me, which I did not deserve.Maybe, God provided it,at this time for me. I don't know,but love ,from people and/or God is the answer, I think.
         I am sending SO much love to you, Kate.       Ami

[towrite]

oh, the acceptance feels so good....  I will quit telling myself it's a bad thing. I will!

[ann3]

Towrite,

You feel what you feel.  These are your feelings, there's no right or wrong.  Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and say to myself "poor ann, you're going thru hard times".  I think Phoenix is right, this may help me to feel compassion for myself (especially because no one else is acknowedging my pain) or help me to acknowledge the truth:  that these are hard times and I am hurting.

I hope you feel better.

[Leah]

ToWrite,

Well, right now, I am thinking this;  if we are to love ourselves ........ and love others as ourselves ....

then surely, we ought to have empathy and compassion, for ourself?   Seems healthy in a sense, I think, maybe?

Love, Leah

[papillon]

Hi towrite,

I read your post and haven't read everyone else's responses yet. Just wanted to tell you how I internalized your post first. Might be 'edit in' after I read everyone else's insights though. I don't see that self-pity is any different to feeling or expressing pain. I think they're basically from the same seed.

Personally, I don't have a problem with feeling pity for myself - or for others. It's perfectly human. It's a really great emotion that causes us to think and reflect and sometimes express feelings. It's perhaps a bit like depression in that regard. Both can have positive aspects - so long as we don't get 'stuck' there. I think it can be a great tool as in a GPS, let's us know where we are, and maybe reminds us why we're going where we're going.

You're hurting so you're giving your self pity, empathy, and to me that means you're simply clarifying, affirming, and maybe trying to assimilate that stuff that was/is painful.

Interesting that you're so clear and aware of the tape in your head that berates you ('ouch' emoticon) when ever you have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That's so aware of you to know that. I'm wondering, do you know when, where and why you made the recording? Do you know who that was in your past who caused you to do the recording? Someone who gave you no empathy when you were in pain and hurt. Someone who became annoyed, hostile, intolerant or ridiculed you if you complained, were unhappy? Someone who had noe empathy so showed you no empathy when you cried?

 "I have been wondering about this. I have almost no one to talk to, to just discuss this with, so I am turning to you guys.

How do I know when I am indulging in self pity and when I am simply feeling or expressing pain?

I know I have a tape in my head that starts berating me whenever I even have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That same tape stops me from sharing some of the pain with my two faithful friends. I don't want to be seen as self-pitying, but I am scared if I do reveal much, they - or anyone listening - will see it as that.

How do I know the difference?"

Maybe you can just share a very small amount with them. Just to see how it goes. Test the fear rejection. See if the inner critic is right. It's a very strong and loud tape you have. It really seems afraid to run the risk of you reaching out to another human. I can only assume you really suffered badly at some point when you did seek compassion, pity, empathy understanding. I'm assuming the inability to do that with your friends is an maybe some old out-of-date self-preservation thing.

The need for empathy is crying out in all of us. Just being human and being social creatures isn't enough. We need to connect. Your wanting warmth and understanding is perfectly natural. People can't provide that about specific issues for us if they don't know what they are.


Papillon

[Hopalong]

ToWrite,
I know what it's like to feel lonely enough that only typing on a forum seems to bridge the gap.
I am glad you've shared this here.

I like the old-fashioned understanding of "pity" -- it is a kind word.

When your heart is pierced with sorrow, and you feel very alone, better that you weep tears of pity for yourself.
Such mourning, lamentation, anguish, sorrow...have for many years been permitted.

This is a jock culture. A modern competitive and repressed unique culture only around 200 years old. Macho and adolescent.

Don't worry about self-pity. Just feel what you feel and have respect for your feeling heart.

love to you,
Hops

[Violet]

This is just a great topic for me right now.  I have been really struggling with this presently.
I don't want to get trapped in a pattern of self pity without moving forward, yet I do not wish to short change myself by lightly glossing over the things that have happened to me, things that continue to trouble me and shape my life in negative ways.  I need to figure this out...
V

[Ami]

Thinking of you,today, Kate. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
 Violet,I think you made a profound point. I am going iniside  and trying to face  my feelings. They are "calling" me to honor them ,through pain.
 I have come to the conclusion that pain IS  a call and I MUST answer or I will be sick ,in some way. I am not a "baby" b/c I  have painful feelings. It is a call to face them, hear what they are saying and to heal(IMO)
                 Love   Ami

[Violet]

Thinking of you,today, Kate. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
 Violet,I think you made a profound point. I am going iniside  and trying to face  my feelings. They are "calling" me to honor them ,through pain.
 I have come to the conclusion that pain IS  a call and I MUST answer or I will be sick ,in some way. I am not a "baby" b/c I  have painful feelings. It is a call to face them, hear what they are saying and to heal(IMO)
                 Love   Ami

Hi, Ami,
I read something yesterday about PAIN as something that enters a door, walks through, then leaves.  It helped me visualize that I can acknowledge it and treat it as a temporary visitor, but accept that it visits then leaves, it does not need to move in, to take over my internal space, define me, or destroy me.  This is something I am thinking about today and am going to try practicing this, so I will stop fearing pain.  Love ya, V

[Overcomer]

Self pity is a very real thing.  When you feel that no matter what you do you cannot escape your jail.

[Violet]

Self pity is a very real thing.  When you feel that no matter what you do you cannot escape your jail.
[/quote
Hi, Kate,

What about the "self pity" of the narcissist who uses it to manipulate and punish everyone in his/her circle? 

I have experienced times when I felt that no matter what I did I could not nor would I ever escape my jail.  I felt this defined "despair."  I never really saw it as self pity, I always thought self pity implied, refusing to take responsibility for one's self and behaviors, where despair implied not knowing how to take responsibility or not having the strength to do so. 

Just some rambling thoughts on this....

Violet

[Overcomer]

I feel that I am trapped.  Anger.  Resentment.  Whining.  Self Pity?  Jail.  Never ending story.