Love is the answer

[steve]

Here we are, all rational beings, are we not?

Have we not tried to reason ourselves out of the nightmares, but still the emotions are pain.

We have intellectualized the problem thinking that we can think our way out of it. We have succumbed to the belief that positive thinking will solve our problems. How is that working for you so far?

Probably the same as me. I can go for long periods but eventually slip back.

Then Spinoza told me what I was doing wrong. If we want to fight an emotion, we need to fight it with a stronger emotion. We can not reason ourselves out.

The way out is to love your N. It is to accept that they have a problem, to move together through life in areas where you mutually agree, and to not allow them to infringe on your life in any way, shape, or form.

With love, you see the weak individuals that they are, but still, you do not need to reject them.
With love, you enjoy some precious moments in this short existence of ours, and not allow the pain to enter.
With love, you find your new self.

Steve

[Violet]

Dear Steve,
I appreciate your thought provoking post.  I have struggled my entire life trying to be a "good daughter" and love my hateful, narcissistic, emotionally strangling, neglectful, envious, destructive, self-centered, alcoholic,  physically abusive mother and often hoped I would finally be loved by her in return.

I have often felt bereft of the most basic of human "rights" to be loved and cherished by one's own mother.  I have alternated between trying to manipulate her to love me, trying to will her to love me, trying to perform well enough so she would love me, trying to deny my need for her love and finally, coming to terms with the reality that she will never be able to love me.  I am learning to love and care for myself now, instead.  I am finally becoming free of the crushing and debilitating need to hate her, to punish her, to rage at her and to escape from her.  I am finally learning to actually "love" her.  How you might ask?  By understanding a fundamental definition of love is to "earnestly desire and actively seek" someone's welfare and well being.  I can HONESTLY say I have these feelings toward her; I do seek her welfare, to the extent I do not damage my own.  This is the simple, decent, civilized love of one human being for another and implies an understanding of the basic dignity and rights of all humans, not just the nice ones.  This is the way I love my mother.  There is no intimacy, no sharing, no nurturing, no true interaction, no connectedness, no caring exchange, no depth of love usually expressed by a healthy mother/child relationship; nevertheless, this is how I carry on.
Thanks for posting....  Violet

[steve]

Violet:

Thank you for your reply. Your story sounds so familiar. Your characterization of your mother is very similar to my father. And your struggle has been very similar to my life struggle. You made some very keen observations.

First, we need to come to terms with the fact that they can never love us for WHO WE ARE. They can only rationalize in their own minds what they can get for themselves, it is an entirely zero-sum game for these people, either they win or they lose. There is no need to play this game. Just ACCEPT IT. This takes us away from the expectations hurdle.

Second, we need to let go of our negative emotions (THE PAIN). Revenge, escape, punishment, justice are all just living the nighmare over and over again. We need to let this go as well. No need to continue to live the pain.

And finally, I think that you put the "love" I was talking about in perspective. It is seeing another human being that is struggling in life and recognizing them as a DISTINCT individual who is just trying to survive. But most important, never give up any pieces of yourself to them. It is a one-sided type of love. It is a faint "love". It is this in the sense that we can never give ourselves totally to these people and actually experience a more beautiful love. It is essentially love without trust.

Your reply was profound and powerful. I think we are both at a point of finally moving forward and love is the answer.

Steve

[Ami]

Dear Steve,
 I would take it a step ,further, and say that we can never  totally trust anothe person b/c we are ALL flawed . We can trust to a certain degree ,by choosing s/one carefully, and then giving  our trust, by choice,but not blind trust.
 I am not saying that you disagree with the above. I am just making a point, which is becoming clear to me, so I thought I would express it here.
                                   Best to you,Steve      Ami