A couple of interesting recent exchanges from Alice Miller's website - I thought some may find them of value.
Papillon
'keeping resolve'
Friday March 07, 2008
Dear Alice Miller,
Thanks to your books and the support of my mentor, who is an excellent therapist, I have come to terms with the fact that my mother is a narcissist who never wanted me to succeed or to be my authentic self. I have allowed myself to experience the pain of having a mother who never truly loved me and have accepted that she is also reacting to the cruelty in her own childhood, and is completely unaware of this. Six months ago, my husband and I decided that if our parents wanted to visit us, they would stay in a hotel. This was not well received by our parents who have always put their needs above ours. The result is that none of them have come to see our son since. I read that one can see the size of the narcissistic wound by the reaction when one tries to put boundaries in place. My mother became so furious when I suggested the hotel and I know it is not because she wants to be with me or her grandson, but because she is embarrassed by what people will think if they know she is not staying with me. Instead she vilifies me to everyone, as if I am crazy. I know my happiness and mental health is more important to my son than a relationship with narcissistic grandparents, but sometimes I wonder if I it is worth it to maintain some kind of civil relationship with these people for my son's sake. I think it is foolish to expect anyone to be any better as a grandparent than they were as a parent, but sometimes I falter in my resolve. Even as I write this, I know the answer to my dilemma. This is just another example of the continuing pain of having a narcissistic parent, that my children will not have a loving grandmother. However, I must continue to believe that by breaking the cycle of cruelty I am giving him something infinitely more important. I suppose the loneliness that comes from the lack of maternal love is something I will have to live with, but the unconditional love that I feel for my son can at least give me glimpse into what that love might have been like for me as a child. Thank you so much for your work, it has been liberating for me.
Sincerely, AR
Alice Miller : I can't answer your questions better than you did. Congratulations! And keep to the wisdom that your body shares with you: HOTEL.
Unwanted children?
Monday March 03, 2008
From my perspective...the truth about parents that continue to justify the virtues of beating their own children, is that they never wanted the child in the first place. The child is seen as a burden, a mouth to feed. The adult either consciously or more often unconsciously hates the child. The adult takes personally every tantrum or misbehavior that the child expresses. The adult has neither the intelligence nor maturity to look beyond the moment and see the child's frustration or acting out as a need for love and guidance. Instead the child is shown violence which further alienates and distresses the child.
The unfortunate truth about abused children is that we were burdened with worthless parents. We were destined to people who had no use for us other than as objects to be used for releasing their own anger and self-hatred.
At least now we can clearly see their motives and failings. That is something to be thankful for.
We don't have to swallow whole and accept the antiquated party line, "spare the rod, spoil the child." What does that mean anyway? How could parents incapable of loving a child, ever spoil a child? Beating is so much easier than love. I mean, how could anyone possibly love and protect their own child, for god sake? Love is just not normal, beating is the way to go! And why stop at beating? Why not just 'do away' with the little bugger completely and save yourself the energy of having to break out the belt and chase him/her around the room all night.
I'm being sickeningly sarcastic of course, but I remember being beaten or berated to the point at times where I feared for my own life. What a blessing to be alive and able to look back without fear. Hopefully there is a place in hell reserved especially for those who believe it appropriate to dehumanize children.
Alice Miller: Thank you so much for your brave and insightful statement. You are right, unwanted children are usually mistreated. But there exist as a rule also a huge amount of people who were "wanted" indeed, but only for playing the role of the victims that their parents needed to be able to take revenge on. They were wanted to give their parents what the parents never had gotten from their own parents: love, adoration, attention and so many other things. Otherwise, why would so many people have five or more children when they have no time for them? Why do they adopt children if their body refuses to give them what they apparently "want?”
The never acknowledged, never felt pain of their childhood calls for being avenged. They go to church, they pray, they honor their parents, forgive them everything – and they mistreat their children at home, often in a very cruel way, AS IF THIS WERE THE MOST NATURAL THING, because they learned this so early. Their children learn this perverted behavior, also very early, and will later do the same; and so this perverse behavior continues for millennia. Unless people are willing to SEE the perversion of their parents and are ready to consciously refuse to imitate it.
You are not being "sickeningly sarcastic," you only dared to speak out the truth that most people are afraid of seeing or talking about.
Barbara: Your thoughts moved me deeply. Yes, as adults, we do not have to swallow any party line any longer but can stand up against the lies and for the truth that children are human beings with feelings and human rights, worthy of their parents' and society’s respect and protection. It is so common to continue dangerous, inhuman patterns learned in childhood and seems more comfortable than to look at the consequences of cruel actions against children and to learn how the human brain develops and learns, through all of the child’s experiences, not just the mother tongue, but also the parental misbehaviors. Society does not dare to label them correctly but euphemistically disguises them as "discipline" or “for your own good” and does not express indignation at parents and other adults who inflict pain, anguish, violence and abuses that we would call torture if they were committed against adults. So mankind remains stuck in the vicious cycle that the weakest, most defenseless, powerless and helpless human beings are worthy – not of love, oh no – but of beatings and mistreatment. If anyone should be looking at our planet "from above" or another world, s/he must be appalled at our concept of "love" for children and at what we teach them and would loose all hope for mankind's future.
