Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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tigerlily:
That's funny. It's just what a friend of mine said today when I told her.
tigerlily:
Hi all
An update on "Queen Victoria"- I got a call from the nursing home yesterday that they sent her to the hospital because she had been having chest pains. When the nurse from the home called me to tell me this she suggested that my mother be put into the hospice program because, even though she was not terminally ill, she could benefit from the extra attention. I know they have been running themselves ragged trying to please her, so this could be a solution for her to get extra attention. I know this need for attention is her anxiety regarding her awareness that she is no longer independent.
All this started me thinking about the future. The nurse said that she is declining a lot more lately. A friend of mine e mailed me and told me that if I was upset I could call her anytime because she was there for me. My reaction was "I am not at all upset- I am fine with this." I actually did feel like this because it would almost be a relief to not have to deal with my Nmother anymore. Then I started feeling guilty. I thought that I should not be feeling this way because she is my mother and I should be more concerned and upset. Then I thought "maybe I am in denial of my feelings because I am so angry at her from all the years of emotional and physical abuse, and if she dies I will fall apart." I went to see her in the hospital last evening and I saw this helpless old woman in the bed, complaining aboout everything, and I could hardly wait to leave. I gave her a hug goodbye, cringing the whole time. And on my way to the car I kept thinking that I should be more loving and supportive because when she dies I will regret that I wasn't a better person to her during her last days. Help!
Anonymous:
tigerlily,
When an elderly person is sick or dying, it's normal to have mixed emotions: relief, indifference, guilt, remorse, hate, acceptance, fear, sorrow, nothing, etc. Any possible feeling could come up. So don't feel you "should" have feelings other than what you have.
In my case, several elderly relatives and both of my in-laws have died in the last few years. So I know what happens: mixed emotions! Don't worry about it and let yourself have any feelings you want. The main thing is to make sure she's being treated okay. And you're doing that.
bunny
tigerlily:
But, why can't I be a big enough person to put away my emotional crap so that I can make someone's last days on earth better? I will have the rest of my life to sort out my baggage, so why can't I just leave that aside right now and be the kind of person I want to be so that I won't kick myself later?
phoenix:
bye
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