Here are some of the things that have been going well: my social life is clearly improving, I am getting paper work taken care of, I am making progress in organizing in several arenas - scheduling/time managment, taking care of some household issues at my mother's house, cleaning up some house issues at my house, getting this new business off the ground.
My mother was out of town a couple of days this past week. My son and I stayed there for two nights for a change of venue. On Friday her sitter came even though my mother was not there. She is such a tremendous gift in my life. She is going to work with me in my business which we are going to run out of my mother's basement initially. In getting things set up I have arranged to have some appliances installed and the carpet replaced. It has required a series of plumbers, electricians, carpet people and such. While my mother was gone I arranged to get her oriental rugs cleaned and repaired. One of the men who picked up the rugs said that he also refinished wood floors. I hired him to come in and do that for her today. To my great surprise my mother actually thanked me for taking care of these things. It is hard to know if she means it or not but the biggest shock is that she has not opposed me. Meanwhile I have taken care of the paper work to get her handicapped placard renewed. (She did complain behind my back that I had taken her placard away. Never mind that it expired in Jan of 2007!)
Last night I was invited to join 2 couples having dinner while our children played at a parent's night out program. That is a first and it was so much fun! I felt like a real human. This morning I ran into several people that I have known in the past and had lengthy conversations. So often, I have felt that people were in a hurry and had little to say or no interest in conversing with me. This morning was so different. On Monday my son and I got an invitation to join 3 other families at the beach for spring break. I have been invited to join a group to form a supper club. All of this is such a HUGE change from having absolutely NO social life at all just one year ago. It was exactly one year ago that things began to change. I am very, very thankful.
I finally figured out how to put in an application for help with childcare at a local college. I got three outstanding replies. One, a young man, is going to be available for after-school work in the fall. He has so much in common with my little boy and he is quite a remarkable young man. My son and he spent several hours together this afternoon and it was a great experience. Another young woman from South America is going to help me out during the week right after school for the rest of the semester. That will be a great help. She will get his homework done and get him to his afternoon activity, allowing me to work until 5pm. And a third person responded to be available for occassional babysitting opportunities. For so long I have not had anyone to call to help out with my child and suddenly I have 3 outstanding options.
Plus, after 6 years, I have finally begun to process to get 4, count 'em four, vehicles that are either broken down or with title problems all fixed up and sold or removed. I also have ordered new carpet for my upstairs to be installed next week. Meanwhile my brother is making arrangements for my mother to follow through on her agreement to pay for it. I selected an inexpensive but fairly attractive carpet that will be a real improvement to what is there right now. My mother has also agreed to pay for the upstairs bathroom to be brought up to functioning. It will really make life in my house much more bearable.
All of this progress has been very encouraging AND YET, I still have to work hard to ovecome that loathsome feeling that can completely overcome me - that sense of shame, self-loathing, failure, inadequacy. Now I am able to really talk myself out of falling deep into those dark feelings. It has taken me a year and a half to get to a point of being able to stop the descent into that dark place and that has been the most valuable transforming practice. I have to work at it and work at it and work at it. At every turn I am faced with the powerful sense that what ever I do, it is not enough. There is a powerful and controlling feeling of being inadequate and undeserving but finally I am beginning to make inroads into those negative and debilitating feelings.
I once heard Dr. Phil say that it takes 10 "atta boys" to overcome every criticism. I don't know how he came up with that statistic, but the sentiment helps me understand why it is so very difficult to overcome these dark, ingrained thought patterns.
I'm thankful, as always, to have this place to share my thoughts and experiences with people who might understand somewhat and who often offer encouragement.
