Ok, This is a long post. And it's an education..
Firstv to answer a question:
I have PTSD,the complex kind and have DID.I have had this diagnosis for a longtime,Also you have a point, I was suspected of having epilepsy a few years back.The temporal lobe kinda stuff .They suspected a leision in my temporal lobe.I got MRI 's and that turned out not to be. I took tegretol & dilantin for awhile.(used to insist my doc give me the cherry flavored kiddie tegretol (I had to take four of 'em tho)because I liked the cherry/spicy taste,I figure If I gotta take meds it might as well taste good too it helps me remember and the younger parts remember it too. I went for some extensive tests(had this abilitory EEG where I wore a portable EEG machine hooked up to my scalp for 24 hours. The results were inconclusive but they took me off the anti convulsants. (this is when I had insurance)
I haven't taken them since. Maybe I might need them but as you read on.. I don't think so..
To heal myself..
I bought some really nice jasmine sage bubble bath (soul soothers brand,yes I'm reccomending it ) ,it smelled great,my big fat tawny tabby cat Rustle liked the smell too ,he kept sticking his paw in the tub to scoop up some foam,he'd sniff it, and shake the bubbles off all over the place,than do it again,it was so cute,I wished I had a camera at one point he had a dot of foam on his nose and was looking at it cross eyed. I wrote alot of poetry too,some of it I may share here.
After that,I lit up a smudgestick of sweetgrass cedar and sage,and to this I added a bit of sandalwood, copal,myrrh, frankencese and dragons blood resins.(man that combo of stuff just smelled wonderful in the censer) I lit up a black candle for protection and absorption of negitivity for axcess to hidden realms(unconsious self ).
I called Sekhmet to protect me, The Great Underground Panther (Missipeshu) to guide me,and I journeyed into my mind.
I relaxed enough to I realize what was making me crazy,
A while back I posted here about a fundie who crashed a group presentation from I attend called Hearts and Ears..This whole incident statrted when we were doing a presentation at an On Our Own conference.(Where I won the Art Contest) I spoke about this I think the thread was Fun dies.
Well that day there was a pedophile there.In the audience.I had no clue.Carl (my Partner) said he sought to speak to me but I was too busy organizing brochures and getting the presentation ready to stop and talk to anyone. So this creep spoke to Carl.
Like a bully pedos go for the devoted,leadership appearing people because they figure if they can take out the most aware of the manipulations of abusrs,and protective people in a group the rest of the group will be easy pickins to dominate .Bullies gravitate to me.It's uncanny this pattern. If they can't get to me they go for Carl, it is so predictable.
Well this pedophile confessed what he was to Carl. He was a registered convicted sexual predator. Full blown pedophile shit-head living unsupervised living among people in the community.
I had no clue about any of this until after the whole conference was over,it was then Carl told me what creepo had said. I was mortified but my feelings submerged. I assumed this creep lived far away because the OOO conference was in Hagerstown.But no,I found out from Paula he lives in baltimore. Grrrrr..
After the Conference,Gay pride day came,I was very busy preparing for pride.There was a hellovalot to do.I had tons of distractions. I had a blast dispite 'father's day' issues' marching in the parade and the block party afterwards.My costume kicked ass. The banners were beautiful.My picture was in the gay papers out here.It was just too cool.(for my first pride)and the next day I was working our info booth. Carl and I were doing tarot readings,crystal work or reiki as a fundraiser for Hearts and Ears.
After all my frustration over father's day intruding on my first pride day... I was GLAD to go with Carl to his Father's day party..because..
The pedoasshole showed up to "teach chess" at our booth. My psychic senses shut down and I didn't do any more tarot readings because I refuse to cheat people with cold readings.. I was so mad. Carl had assumed Paula knew all about this pedo. Apparently we find out later she didn't. So she invited this asswipe into the community of Hearts and Ears not aware he was a convicted child molester sex offender until after he attended and got his foot into the door..
I am well aware of the high recidivism rates for child sex offenders..And Paula says she is too.But..she hasen't booted this creep out yet.
Pride day I saw how he encouraged young people to sit with him,as he showed them chess moves. All I could think is he was kicked out of a public library for "teaching chess" to kids,and here he was seducing kids'teaching chess' before my eyes like he did at the library.
I wanted to kill him on the spot .. I wanted to tear him apart. I got a raging headache.I wanted to cut my arms because I was sreaming and not listening to my own heart.
I couldn't do shit about him because it was a "public H&E event.. I had to put on a P.R. face..But inside was terrorized and very very angry. I supressed the hell out of this emotional tornado inside to do my job. Paula is the lady who runs Hearts and Ears.She has an abuse history so duh, her boundaries are messed up and I didn't know how bad until now. ..When pedo showed up I was shocked and I asked Carl if Paula knew and he had not told her..Yet here we were in the middle of pride festival,putting on a public face doing outreach and all.
I knew causing a ruckus at the booth might not turn out well P.R. wise.The public situation was something totally unrelated to this.Yet If I spoke up it could make things ugly.If I sat there I was tormented. Paula was busy with the booth she had no time to stop and listen to me.
So Carl told her about Robert after pride.
whenn Carl Called He was toldRobert the sit head had already"confessed" what he was to Paula. And he lied and said he had told nobody else but Paula to Paula.
After all this shit we had a four way discussion in private in a park. Paula was trying to be "fair" and to be equality minded with a person who perpretrates an incomprehensable abuse and danger.Me,Carl and another member bluntly and emotionally warned Paula of the dangers of this kind of 'tolerance.I told her about my experinces tolerating abusers.How utopian love everyone equally thinking hurts the people who need support the most get harmed and cannot be helped when abusers and offenders enter the community and are treated as if they are not dangerous. Paula wanted the board behind her if she was going to boot Robert.To me this reeked of cowardice.At one point I got so frustrated with Paula's stubborness I walked away and splashed in a park fountain. Hoping the cool water would chill me out. I wanted to clobber some sense Paula at that moment.
Paula explained she was intimidated by this pedo shit .WShe was afraid he would sue Hearts and Ears if she just booted him out on her own judgement dispite being the DIRECTOR ,the Head of the Board,the FOUNDER..of Hearts and Ears.. She is scared that if she had to defend H&E legally it would bankrupt us or get our Dept.mental health funding cut .Whaaaa? The cognitive dissonence was deafining. Was she scared pedophiles are these super duper legal experts or can manipulate and pull the wool over anyones eyes they want...people who can get lawyers to screw the law and the purpose of our program for themselves? Are pedophiles all powerful and above the law to Paula? OMG.
I saw this whole premise of hers was silly.But she was not going to risk doing the right thing. Fear had her under it's spell. I knew she had NOTHING to fear because pedophiles are not a "protected class" of minority like (women ,non whites or GBLT ect.) Perps are not GBLT.They are not gay!,They are not oour peers! And most people in H&E are abuse survivors ,so a perp amogst us is intolerable if H&E wants to be a safe place for real healing..Carl and I haven't set foot back into H&E after we said our pieces to Paula that night and it has been over a month.Hearts and Ears WAS our"safe place". And I resent the hell out of this pedophile stealing tmy safe place,and I want Paula to wake up and smell her own bullshit!
But she can't smell it if I act like I believe it too.
The hardest part is it occured to me that I was by not publically announcing what I knew and diobeying Paula's wishes,I was enabling a pedo to influence and infiltrate a good and safe,healing community of MY freinds. I betrayed all the members trust with my silence. All because Paula wanted to smooth things politically, until we could go to a board meeting ,where the "officials" could "hash it out" and could draft a bylaw to exclude perps,as if this bylaw gave her power that she doesen't already HAVE as directotr and founder! she wanted us to be hushed up about what he was as if our silence would make it easier to draft the bylaw and kick him out quietly before he could threaten to sue us.
This game of silence has caused me alot of turmoil inside,
I feel like a betrayed betrayer..
Truth is...Hearts and Ears members and thier families are in real life Danger.They may be speaking in support group of thier own traumas,child abuse or things like that,this pedo may be aroused by all this..He may have befreinded abused members with confused boundaries ,and if they have young people in thier families or homes those kids are in potential DANGER because the member would have no clue what they are befreinding..and bringing home,until it is too late.My mind was overwhelmed by this fact and at my moral failure and confusion my stunted empathy,my failure as a human being..
So Monday,. I am going to the group and to support meeting whether pedo is there or not I don't care.I will not be afraid or terrorized by this asswipe anymore,I am not a little kid now. I am telling it like it is to EVERYONE out in the open. This bastard deserves no place to hide.I'm also gonna tell the group about Paula and how her request of my silence on this issue for political bullshit and legal phobias is actually endangering H&E members and thier families. If it makjes her tweak and feel ashamed of herself than GOOD.I know I feel it.I am going to warn everyone to stay away from Robert and to keep all kids away from him and that NOBODY should trust robert,or listen to what he says about abuse issues ,tolerance,boundaries,victimization or kids ~ever...
I am going to spell it out clearly for everyone how this game has hurt me .I'm gonna own up to betraying my own heart and the hearts and ears membership because I have to. No more SECRETS that hurt!
If Paula gets all hostile because the truth is shameful,and kicks me and Carl out because she prefers the company of pedophiles and such,I will say,fuck Hearts and Ears than. If Paula is too sick to protect an organization like H&E and hasen't the boundaries required do the kinds of exclusions of perps and n's to make it stay a safe place,she is too sick to run H&E.And I will Say so in public in the meeting. If she tolerates perps because they intimidate her,I don't wanna be there, And I will not refer anyone there.And I will tell everyone this on Monday. I hope telling the truth will encourage anyone else who doesen't want to associate with perps to question paula's judgements of character concering safety,and if nessary walk out of H&E .and watch thier kids...If Hearts and Ears becomes a very empty place with no heart in it ,It will be beacause everyone knows that is where perps,sociopaths,bullies sexual violators, and enablers are welcomed and play the games that keep this entire world SICK. .
This whole thing makes me want to scream.I wish Bob(robert) the pedo piece of shit,would DIE,his dick would rot off,he'd become a quadreplegic,or get so sick he can't leave his house to talk to anyone !
I wish the death penalty was always used on sexual predators who are caught repeatedly or with hard evidence. If these creeps refuse to control themselves and Jails can't stop them,Kill the pedophiles and sexual predators.That way they will not harm and fool people with boundary issues in positions of power or medicine so they can harm again.
I supressed all my fear,fear for people I say I care about, by letting a perp be present unchallenged at Hearts and Ears.I betrayed the trust of the entire membership.I am such a loser. I feel so bad,because I enabled this awful danger. I was supressing the truth of all this for bullshit to the other members,I was supressing my anger at paula's incompetant leadership and inverting my anger at her and this asswipe into myself,wanting to cut my arms and to kill myself.I supressed that and I shake and see things feeding on my head,shadows from my unspoken truths telling me I an a LIAR! If I never spoke up and a kid got hurt, than I do deserve to die.Why I was supressing the danger and pretending a perp was not dangerous when he IS..For what? Fear?being irresponsible ,for what? Playing" polite" ,trusting a pewrson with boundary problems and bad judgement because she's the "leader"Arrgh! I'm no better the soldiers at Abu Gharib excusing themselves for committing atrocity with the chain of command excuses, I did same shit,as they did.I submited my judgement to paula's bad judgement even though my heart says SPEAK UP!.. I am ENABLING danger!I am BYSTANDING instead of Standing up!! By my choice of obedience to a sick leader.. Arrgh!
I knew Paula had boundary issues before this,(her father watched porn with her when she was little she says ,so who knows what other horrors may have happened to her in that home?) Her Judgement is confused.And I let myself be misled by shirking responsibility for my own interity onto the chain of command. I hate myself for being so STUPID for so long!
I know firsthand how perverted abuser fathers can shatter a kid's soul, self,sense of danger vs appearances ,trust,and make boundaries work wrong in an adult.)I KNOW this yet I let my own integrity be shut down because I gave into Paula's irrational fear ,scared by legalese boogeymen that pedophiles may threaten when they are excluded from support groups NOT designed with them in mind? We are not peers to a pedo.We can't help his sorry ass.He needs to be in a place where they handle perps.Where he can be watched. WTF? am I doing?
And now that I am consious of this , about my bad judgements of 'leadership',the danger at H&E..I have decided to not to ever keep secrets for 'politics' that hides a bad judgement insuide it ..I am not having the symptoms of a tormented concience. anymore because I'm never going to allow my self to lie to myself again.I am responsible for my safety,I must open my mouth and tell the truth..even if N people or enablers are upset by it. Tough.This may be one of the scariest things,telling it like it is in front of everybody..But I have to do it,ASAP because the alternative is potentially someones kids will be in danger and I let it happen because I didn't speak up. I can't do that shit anymore .
Paula might be able to lie to herself like that ,But I just can't do it for long,and be that sickening to myself (literally)anymore.
I really regret that it took me THIS frickin' long to speak up. I feel so guilty about this like I betrayed the safety of the very people whom I say I care about. I am such an ass.The Entire membership of H&E.It makes me feel like a powerless,hypocrite enabler bystander coward..And I do not want to be that way anymore because that is what all abusers want me to be.
I wish I had the member roster list,I'd call everyone on it right now and tell them. But I don't have many members numbers,the ones I have, have already been called and told the truth .. so I have to wait until monday to get to everyone else.
So There you have it.
