Hi Gratitude 28,
Sad comment, this one. But overall, I still feel worthless
Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something????? But what?
My immediate thought when I read it was "worth less than what?"
I concur with Phoenix Rising. You've described very well how you perceive your value to others. That's a vital and valid understandstanding to have. Especially if we are wanting to 'fit' in the greater society.
But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.
Papillon
Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Papillon,
What did you mean by that???
Hi Gratitude 28,
Sorry I didn't see your question earlier until now.
I'm suspecting you're asking me to explain my whole post, not the "Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something?????".
Interesting, that was how I initially interpreted your question, when I saw your (???). I assumed you were refering to my (?????).
.
In the event that you were, my (?????) was connected to to the words in your post
that I will never be "special" or some weird thing that is like a false implant in my brain and doesn't make sense, but does in a way too... When I said a valid feeling based on something, in hindsight what I should have said was "based on old programming from someone or somewhere."
In the event that you mean my whole post I'll attempt to explain 'my meaning' of my post , and I'm going to use one of my own more recent life experiences to try to do this.
Also, may I add this. In the event that you found my post offensive or unsettling, that's most unfortunate and I sincerely apologize as this was not my intention.
Here's how I see it:-
I worked in a role that I loved that was meeting (too) many needs
I had, but still I felt inadequate on the inside. Interesting, but I felt guilty in that I didn't think it was correct that I was meeting my own needs. Because I believed this
I had this on-going 'inner-nagging' that my motivations were wrong, and subsequently I became convinced that what I was doing was wrong and unhealthy --- for everyone involved ---- including me.
I felt that I was simply a big phony. I took action and dropped out of that role, leaving many people in the lurch, and much to many people's horror and surprise. I felt guilty, and at the same time I genuienly felt that I had no choice.
I went off and 'became' something totally different. That too shocked everybody, myself included.
I went into a role that was so diametrically opposite to the one I'd been operating in. It was a very phsically demanding role, long hours, which required rigorous time-management iskills, and with serious daily deadlines to be met - or there were major penalties incurred. With this project, I signed a contract to complete it within 2 years or heavy penalties applied.
I lost contact with nearly all my old circle. This seemed also essential as I was also hard on a course of rejecting myself and all I stood for, or as I thought I saw I was.
I buried myself in this new role. Hid away from the old world. I completed the project miles ahead of time, almost 18mths instead of 2 years. That was because I was burning a huge amount of emotional energy through the physical aspect of the task. I was at it 6am-8pm/24/7 for 18mths. I took 2 weeks off that Xmas. That was it. I was completely mono.
I was working with all types of people who I'd never worked with before. Extremely intolerant and aggressive people who demanded I perform daily. Then, after that ended, after the 18 mths were up, and I collapsed of exhaustion I realized something vital.
I had been naturally doing what I'd been doing in my old role. Some of my recent co-workers became close friends. They new absolutey nothing of my past life yet had often asked me had I ever thought of becoming an 'xyz'
which was exactly what I had felt I needed to escape from. Things melded. "The idea of the daimonic, typically means quite a few things:..... (or as a literary term) the unrest that exists in us all which forces us into the unknown, leading to self-destruction and/or self-discovery, or the journey and transition from innocence to experience." This has been my recent real-life experience.
I'm planning on returning to my former profession later this year.... in the same role. I don't feel the old 'self-doubt and self-worth' issues are relevant anymore, even though I'm sure I'll think them at times. I can deal with them now because I know where they came from. It seems that much of being comfortable with who I am comes from just experiencing and accepting the who I was at different times. Accepting me in my changes.
I feel quite okay about going back to my old role now... that is..... after I have finished my
over-extended and well-earned break which I'm enjoying immensely. Also, chilling out here atm has been amazingly helpful too, along with my continuing therapy.
So to summarize what I meant by my original post, and in the context of who I am,
But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly. Does that help you understand what I wrote - at all? If not, sorry it's the best I can do.
And once again, if you found my post offensive, I apologize.
Papillon
If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.
Rollo May 
