Trying to Justify Myself (What Am I Worth???)

[gratitude28]

One of the things I have really been going through both because of my NM and because I did not get snapped up by any companies here is what my value is.

I am very smart. I am very efficient. I have been a huge assett to anyone I have worked for. I am pleasant and helpful. People like me and remember me.

BUT - of course, my NM thinks I am nothing...
I did not get any of the jobs I hoped for here (which was really a blessing in many ways, and I know that - especially as we might be leaving soon. But also because I did not want to spend my life in traffic and away from my kids... I could name a ton of reasons).

So... I have an advanced degree in a small field... I am pretty good at computers (excell, access, system installation, etc). I know a lot about literature. I am fairly good at writing. I paint fairly well. My biggest achievement, I am a good mom. And I am a good teacher.

But overall, I still feel worthless... that I will never be "special" or some weird thing that is like a false implant in my brain and doesn't make sense, but does in a way too...

Any thoughts y'all????

[Overcomer]

Beth-I am similar to your synopsis.  I have a lot going for me but it is my mom who holds me down and keeps me back.  I an pretty optimistic suddenly.  I have been praying for my destiny to unfold.  We need to pray for God's blessing and favor for us.

[gratitude28]

Probably not, Amber - lol. That is a very good thought. Let me mull it over.

Kelly, I hope you do find your path.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 ANYONE who speaks as many languages as you do should never, ever feel doubtful of her value,in my humble opinion(lol)
 I think doubting our value is a manifestation of deeper roots ,which cannot be taken away by more external success. They can only be taken away by inner awareness(IME)
 For me, the more I achieved ,the worse I felt.That has been my experience, anyway.            Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 YOU are a beautiful person, open minded , open hearted, funny,caring  honest and  loyal! What  is THAT worth????     Love, Ami

[gratitude28]

I guess the way I think is like this...

Yes, I have some talents...

But others have more than me - or they are smarter about marketing themselves.

I used to be Nish - thought I was great at things...

I am not sure what personal traits count in valuing oneself... I am honest? I am mostly kind? I like animals? I like nature? I am spontaneous?

[Gabben]

Hi Beth,

Yes, I can relate. You and I were conditioned throughout our upbringing that our worth or real selves was in our abilities and what we accomplish -- Well that is a big huge lie.

We are worthy of love and we are worthy of loving ourselves for no other reason than because we are here and because God created us; our being (not our doing) is what HE loves, our just being here and breathing is good enough for God's love and His love is more powerful and more impressive than any love.

I have been thinking lately about my codependency issues. It took me many years to fight the lies that told me that I had to be somebody and accomplish something in order to be valued --- NOT TRUE.

Here is a quote on codependency.

"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent" voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious (food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."
Codependency: The Dance of Wounded Souls


Blessings and hugs.

Gabben

[gratitude28]

Thanks Amber and Lise,
I think in a way I have lost touch with that - I somehow no longer feel that's important.
It sucks to be this confused!!!
Thank you and let me think about this more and figure out what I mean by "me."
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,
I was always bright, creative and a good writer. Early teachers spotted it.

But...I was terribly sensitive and sad, and bullied intensely by female peers (until college, when I fell in love with everybody and have had good friends ever since).

In the early days, after 7 years of bottom-of-pecking-order, my despair (didn't know what depression was) grew so intense that in 9th grade, I gave up. I failed every class except English (was smuggling novels in to read during class), and had to repeat the year. The next fall all the "old girls" marched past the classroom door and said, "What are you doing in there with the babies?" It was a tiny school so there was no place to hide.

Anyway, that was failure. Big huge undeniable failure.

In hindsight I'm not sure how I survived it. I remember overwhelming daily pain. But I did.

And now...I'm less rocked off my feet when I have other failures. I know it happens and finally, I know it does not measure me.

love and comfort and solidarily,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Wow, Hops, Just reading about your 9th grade experience scares me silly. Really. I am sure I could never have recovered. I had no resilience and would have been made to feel bad forever.
My failures have been in my adult life, I guess... the ones that are most measurable by me, I guess... the drinking, gambling. Or maybe it's just that I am willing to own up to something now and not try to hide it. Lying to oneself helps cover so many things. I also had a mild phase where I did not do so well in school. My parents were distraught - what would people say????? And that was over a few C plus and B minus grades.
((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))) You are a greater person for having made it through the pain of failing in school.
Love, Beth

[papillon]

Hi Gratitude 28,

Sad comment, this one. But overall, I still feel worthless


Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something????? But what?

My immediate thought when I read it was "worth less than what?"

I concur with Phoenix Rising. You've described very well how you perceive your value to others. That's a vital and valid understandstanding to have. Especially if we are wanting to 'fit' in the greater society.

But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.

Papillon

Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."




 

[gratitude28]

Papillon,
What did you mean by that???

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth...
I think of you looking at yourself in the mirror, having a chat. There are 3 questions, and I think you're on question #2, working to delete the last word. One day I am certain you'll be on #3, and you'll know the answer does not mean 'perfect'.

Who is that?
It's me, Beth.

Are you acceptable?
Well, yes, but...

Are you good?

Love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Hops,
I think you hit the nail on the head, as tears sprang to my eyes.
Thanks. Let me see if I can ever really look in the mirror to complete these steps.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Good tears. Good Beth.

(((((((Beth)))))))

love,
Hops