Our part in the dance, are we dancing partners?

[Lupita]

Because after all, it takes two to tango.

I found this article in BPD website, but it might be useful for some of us a N victims. Cant wait for your comments, dear firneds of the board.

Love to you all.

God bless you.


My Part in the Dance

It’s not all the BP’s Fault This is going to be one of the hardest pages to read on this web site. Make sure you are in a good space before proceeding.

There is a tendency among Nons first learning about BPD to turn the tables, and blame everything on their BPSO. This is natural, because your BPSO has been modelling this behavior for years. He’s been blaming you for everything all along. Now you find out that he has BPD, and you learn about projection and figure that hey, it’s all his fault.

This is black and white thinking. You have a flea my friend.

There is no perfect person in the world, so I’m pretty sure that you aren’t perfect. We all make our own unique mistakes, but there are some common mistakes that many Nons make, and that’s what this page is all about.

Enabling BP Behaviors
Many Nons enable their BPSOs by not setting proper boundaries. They allow themselves to be drawn into being a victim. You must shift your stance to that of a survivor as soon as the abuse ends. If you maintain your victim stance for longer than the abuse actually occurs, you are labelling yourself as a victim, and asking to be victimized again. Some stay in situations that are dangerous, and need to form a safety plan.

Mimicking BP Behaviors
Many Nons have had BP behaviors modelled for them for a long time. This is particularly damaging to children of borderline parents. It is only natural for you to sometimes engage in BP-like behaviors, because that’s what you’ve been taught by example. You may rage when the BP rages at you. These are your issues, you need to work on them. They are called fleas.

Having too much Empathy
When you put the needs of your BPSO ahead of your own needs, or the needs of your children. When your decisions are based upon what’s best for the person with borderline traits rather than yourself and the other people you are responsible for, you are exhibiting a particular form of poor boundary maintenance. You are taking responsibility for the life of your significant other. It is their life, not yours. If you allow them to run your life, you are like the man on the bridge. Understand the airplane metaphor. At some point you have to hand your significant other their own life back. Feeling sorry for them takes energy away from more important things that you have the ability to change.

Own What is Yours
Just as important as giving away the problems to your BPSO, is taking ownership of your own problems and issues. You’ve been in a relationship with someone who has a serious mental illness! It’s done some damage to you, or you wouldn’t be reading this. Acknowledge that you have been damaged. Take a personal inventory. Start working hard on the things you do have control over, and give the rest back to a higher power. Examine your own abandonment issues.

Yes, a lot of what has been happening to you is not your fault. It really isn’t. You are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it. It isn’t your job to "fix" your BPSO. But you can and are duty bound to help yourself. Get up, dust yourself off, walk tall and strong forward from this point, and acknowledge your own humanity, warts and all. Set boundaries, get safe, change yourself. Good luck in your healing journey.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated More

[Lupita]

Boundaries
What are They -- Why do I Need Them
Enforcing appropriate boundaries is the single most powerful thing that you can do unilaterally to improve your life as a NonBP. Because many borderlines never seriously seek the help they need to improve their side of the relationship, enforcing appropriate boundaries has become recognized in our online community of Nons as the single most powerful technique for improving the situation. Your BPSO doesn’t need to cooperate for you to set boundaries. Boundaries will change your life. It will get better over time. Without boundaries it won’t get better over time. They are that essential.

Boundaries are lines that separate objects. In terms of people and human relationships, boundaries are invisible lines that separate people from each other. Their purpose is to help keep us safe. Boundaries come in many forms and protect various parts of us. These include physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational. For instance, what is appropriate between a husband and a wife is not appropriate between a mother and a child. What is appropriate between a mother and child is inappropriate between employer and employee.

The Castle Metaphor
To get the concept in a different way, we invite you to think of the walls around a castle. People live inside the castle. There is a moat around the castle with water and other obstacles inside it. There is a bridge across the moat that leads to a drawbridge. People use the drawbridge to enter or leave the castle. There is a trained guardsman at the drawbridge. He knows how to operate the mechanism that raises or lowers the drawbridge. He knows who to let in, and what to let in. The guardsman knows who are enemies of those who live in the castle. He knows his job so well that people inside the castle are often unaware that he’s even there. Things go well.

One day, though, a new guardsman is hired. But the head guardsman is too busy, and somehow, no one else gives the new man any training in how to operate the mechanism for raising and lowering the draw bridge. No one teaches the new guardsman who lives in the castle and who does not. No one tells the new guardsman who the ‘enemies’ are. He is confused. Although he has the best of intentions, and does his absolute best, he lets the wrong people in and keeps those who live in the castle on the outside. As a result bad things happen to the people in the castle.

Like the new guardsman, many Non’s didn’t get the right training to be an effective guardsman of their feelings, emotions and body. They’re not sure what to allow in and what not to allow in. They’re not sure how to make the mechanism that opens the draw bridge work correctly. They leave it open when it should be closed, or leaving it closed when it should be open. Or it gets stuck half way open and half way closed, doing no one any good. In other words, the Non allows those (particularly the BP) in his/her life to take advantage of them, abuse or violate them. This causes them great pain and hurt. Nons often end up believing that they deserve the bad things that happen to them.

What Boundaries Do for You
Healthy boundaries can also be imagined as a sort of a ‘majick bubble’. This bubble surrounds you and keeps you safe. It allows oxygen and food and other good things inside to nourish you and allow you to feel, learn and grow in good ways. This majick bubble is invisible to others.

This majick bubble gets larger, creating more space around you to give more distance between you and others for safety. To keep you from being hurt. It gets smaller, to allow others closer to you - intimacy.

For those of you who enjoy Star Trek, this majick bubble is like a force field. It keeps all the meteors and other space debris from hitting the ship. It is permeable enough to allow air, food and other good things inside for the crew. It is strong enough to keep bad things, like photon torpedoes, out.

The most basic physical boundary that we are all familiar with, is our skin. It is a barrier that protects our physical body. It keeps us safe. If our skin is violated, like a cut or scratch, we are open to infection, pain and even disease.

You have many tools to help you keep this majick bubble just the right size. Some of these tools are words, actions, facial expressions, the ability to move toward or away from another person. Learning which tool to use, and when, is a new concept for many Nons and takes time, repetition and patience.

Boundaries are a fascinating concept for most Nons first learning about them. Most of us Nons have poor or less than effective boundaries. Many of us Non’s have boundaries that are of the ’all or nothing’ kind.. either full walls, layers thick that an atomic bomb couldn’t dint, or nothing, nada, zilch..

This is often a legacy from dysfucntional families of origin where our sense of self was not allowed to develop in a healthy way. Boundaries are supposed to be elastic, stretching out to give us more space and distance, or shrinking in to allow those we care about close to us, called intimacy.

Empathy is a skill that in some professions is valued, like nursing, counseling, and others where being able to ’walk in the other guys/gals shoes’ gives us valuable information and insight that allows us to provide support to them during times of conflict or crisis. Empathy can be a bad and unhealthy thing, if we put the others needs higher on our priority list than our own, while never quite getting to looking after our own needs and wants.

If we are not sure where we begin and end and the BP in our lives begin and end, it might be possible to have some sort of ’connection’ or heightened awareness of what is going on for them, or for others.

It comes down to balance and health, I think. Asking the following questions might give us a sense of where we’re at and where we might choose to go to get healthier or stay healthier. Do I have a good grasp of my own sense of self? Do I ensure that my needs and wants get at least equal attention and time? Do they get met often? Never? At the BP’s discretion?

Am I strong enough in my own experience of reality to stay out of the Land of Oz (BP reality)?

In the same way, if we are injured in other boundary places, we carry scars and places of vulnerability. These may be almost invisible to others. Being in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder can leave many areas of vulnerability, many areas of injury, pain and suffering. When we don’t know how to repair that damage, more damage happens over time. By learning to set appropriate and healthy boundaries, we begin to repair the damage we’ve sustained.

Many Non’s grew up with an abusive parent, or in a home where feelings weren’t recognized as important friends. Perhaps they had a parent who expected a child to meet the parents’ needs in an inappropriate manner or where the child’s needs were unrecognized and unimportant. Perhaps one of the parents had a personality disorder. Like the guardsman who didn’t know how to do his job, many Non’s didn’t learn the skills they needed to set appropriate and healthy boundaries.

It is important to remember, that you have certain rights. These are your rights, even if you learned something different, formally or informally, in your family of birth. You have rights, even when the BP in your life tells you something different or makes you think it’s all your fault.

Being involved in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder is frightening and damaging to you, the Non. You may have been exposed to a lot of projection or other traits of the disorder in ways that challenge your sense of the person that you know yourself to be. It may feel like you’ve taken a trip to the Land of Oz, and none of the rules you are familiar with make sense any more.

So, you may be thinking: “Now that I have a little bit of understanding about boundaries, what do I do now?” Or, “How can this help me with the BP in my life?”

These are both good questions. So what can you do? You can begin to learn to set healthy boundaries. Establishing a boundary may seem intimidating at first. This involves deciding what is acceptable behavior for you to engage or participate in, and setting a limit or consequence about what you will do if that boundary is not respected.

You might want to take some time and make a list of the most serious issues you have with your BP now. Then put them in order of how important they are to you. If you are being abused or if you are afraid of physical violence, we strongly suggest you contact an emergency shelter and leave immediately.

Many BP’s are very good at creating crazy making and chaos. They can often talk circles around you and make you think you are the one who’s controlling, unreasonable, selfish, or a myriad of other things that you are not. Hang on to your own reality. You can find others who’ve shared these experiences or many like them on our mailing list.

For more information on boundaries, go to our Partners page and read some web pages, or read some of the recommended books about boundaries. Life is a Cycle of learning and growth. You get to choose for you.

Follow the link if you want some exercises to see if you have unhealthy boundaries and to test your knowledge of boundaries in various situations. Learn to set healthy boundaries.

One of the most effective ways to learn about boundaries is in counseling. If you are having trouble thinking about what boundaries are appropriate for you, or are having trouble enforcing your boundaries

- Deedee and Kelly


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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated More

[Lupita]

Abuse Within the BPD/NonBPD Dynamic
Many of those involved in relationships with someone who has BPD or traits of the disorder, have difficulty in priorizing their own safety over the needs of others. It’s hard when you’re living with the craziness and chaos of the disorder to think clearly and to know if what you’re experiencing is abusive. It’s a normal pattern for Non’s to make excuses for those they care about, to minimize the abusive behavior and make it less ugly, demeaning, or damaging than it truly is. To help understand what abuse is, please read the following and answer honestly if these describe your relationship. The following are characteristics of an abusive relationship. If you answer yes to more than two of any of these descriptions, you are most likely in an abusive relationship and need help. You need to get safe immediately. Locate your local shelter and get help. Make your safety and that of your children your most important priority. While we are using “he” for this information, it often may apply to women as well.

1) Push for quick involvement? When you first met the BP in your life, did he move the relationship along very fast? Sweep you off your feet? Did he come on strong, with claims such as: “I’ve never loved anyone else like this before”? Or: “You’re the only person who’s ever understood me.”? An Abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment very quickly. Did he ask you to marry or move in with him within a few weeks or months of beginning the relationship? Did the intensity of the relationship and it’s high levels of emotion leave your ability to think critically, clouded and ineffective? Did it feel like you’d ‘met the other half of yourself?” Your “soul mate”? Did it feel “too good to be true”?

2) Excessive Possessiveness? Does the BP in your life call you constantly? Visit often or without notice? Attempt to or prevent you from going to work because “you might meet someone else”? Does he ever check the mileage on your car? Listen into telephone conversations without your permission? Insist that you repeat conversations to him verbatim? Accuse you of “hiding something” if you don’t reveal ALL the details of your past and present? Do you get confused between what’s appropriate sharing and what’s not? Does he accuse you of “leading other men on”? Of having affairs? Or other inappropriate relationships?

3) Controlling Behaviors: Does the BP in your life question you incessantly about your activities when you are apart? Does he insist that all your money be in his control? For a variety of reasons? “You aren’t good with money”, or “I’m much better with money than you are.”? Does he limit your contact with friends and family? Or make the consequences of your spending time with them so high that you are unable or unwilling to pay them? Does he accuse you of attempting to control his behavior when you ask him where he’s been or when he’ll be home?

4) Unrealistic Expectations: Does the BP in your life set standards that you find impossible to meet? Does he expect you to be “the perfect” mate in all aspects of life? Does he expect that you will always have the same opinions as he? Vote the same way? Does he make you responsible for meeting ALL his needs while having little respect or paying little attention to your needs and wants?

5) Isolation: Does the BP in your life do his best to isolate you from family, friends, colleagues and others important in your life? Have you reduced or eliminated the activities you used to enjoy because he doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t approve of them? Does he accuse others of being out to “spoil” your relationship? Or of “not liking him” or “finding fault with him”? Does he insist that you carry a pager or cell phone so he can “always get a hold of you”?

6) Blames others for his problems? When things go wrong does the BP in your life always have some excuse or reason that blames others, rather than accepting his responsibility for issues and problems? Does he have a string of short term jobs? Or of being fired repeatedly? When there’s a problem in your relationship, does he always blame you? Does he tell you: “If you would just (insert example here) then we would be just fine”? Are problems in the relationship always about you and never about him?

7) Makes others (including you) completely responsible for his feelings? An abuser will say: “You MAKE me do this, it’s all YOUR fault”. A non abuser will say “I’m angry”. An Abuser may use emotional blackmail to control your thoughts, feelings and actions. “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” or, “I couldn’t survive without you.”

Hypersensitivity: Is the BP in your life easily insulted? Does he assume negative intentions on the part of others, including you? Does he often find a way to make the most innocent behavior a personal insult or slight aimed at him? Does he rant or rage about “how unfair everything is” and how he’s “always the victim of some plot or injustice”?

9) Cruelty to Animals and Children: An Abuser will punish those in his power to a degree completely out of context with the offense. Does he expect children to behave in ways that are completely beyond their ability or age? Do you often find yourself getting in between the child and the adult? Or force you to remain silent when he’s out of control and over-disciplines a child? Does he ever get too rough and injure children while ‘playing’? Does he injure animals and pets? Does he take pride in stories of excessive cruelty from his childhood or adolescents directed towards others, children, pets?

10) “Playful” use of Force During Sex: Does he enjoy putting you in positions of weakness, or forcing you down, refusing to listen to you if you are being hurt, or feel uncomfortable during sex? Does he use threats, physical force or coercion to get you to do things during sex that you find uncomfortable, unnatural or frightening? Does he encourage you to “play act” fantasies of rape during sex? Does he have fantasies of hurting or killing someone during sex?

11) Verbal Abuse: Does the BP in your life use words as weapons to hurt and wound you? Does he criticize how you cook, clean, dress, parent, or any other activity? Does he curse at you, call you names, keep you awake for long periods when he is aware that you need to get up in the morning for work, school or children? Does he make ugly remarks and later say it’s okay, he was “only kidding”, or “what’s the matter with you, can’t you take a little joke?” or “Gee you’re SO sensitive!”

12) Rigid Sex Roles: Does the BP in your life expect you to do all the cooking/cleaning, parenting, act in a role of a servant, remain at home and not work or have outside interests? Does he expect you to wait on him hand and foot?

13) Sudden Mood Swings: Does the BP in your life switch from reasonable and rational to screaming and raging over trivial incidents? Or when he’s had a bad day at work? Is it always your fault? Does he rage for extended periods of time? Hours? Days? Does he then promise “never to do it again”? Does he promise to do “anything” if only “you’ll forgive him”?

14) Physical Abuse: Has the BP in your life ever hit you? Slapped you? Pushed or shoved you? Bounced you off a wall or door? Pushed you down the stairs? Pinched you and left bruises? Refused to allow you to leave a room or your home? If so, you need to get safe immediately!

15) Past Battering: Does the BP in your life have a history of convictions for assault, domestic or family violence or a criminal record for violent behavior, while claiming it was “the other person who made them do it.”? Does he claim his ex partners were “emotionally violent, have stalked him, or were crazy”?

16) Threats of Violence: Does the BP in your life make threats? Does he threaten to hurt or destroy things that are valuable to you? Does he threaten your children, family, friends or you? Threaten to take your children away from you if you should separate? Does he then dismiss his threats with comments like: “Everyone talks like that when they’re mad”, or “I didn’t really mean it, besides, you made me so angry I had no choice.”? Does he engage in high risk taking behaviors such as speeding, especially with others in the car?

17) Frightening attitudes towards women and/or guns: Does the BP in your life think that women are inferior beings? That if a woman is raped, that “She asked for it”? Does he have access to firearms? Hang around with others who share his attitudes? Tell jokes that make fun of women or minorities? Does he threaten you or himself with firearms? If so, please go directly to our Safety page. Get help and get safe immediately.

18) Alcohol or other Substance Abuse Issues: Does the BP in your life have a drinking problem? Does he drink and get drunk often? (Once a week or more?) Does he use ‘recreational’ drugs? Or abuse prescription pain killers or mood altering drugs? Does he use this as an excuse for violence or other abuse?

You and your children have the right and obligation to be free from abuse and violence. No one has the right to hurt or harm you. Please take your safety seriously. Please get safe, get help and stay safe.

You are only a victim while the abuse is happening. Once it’s over, you are a survivor. You can choose to protect yourself and your children. You are not responsible for what the person with BPD does. You ARE responsible for what you choose to do.

Many of those who’ve been abused stay because they think that in leaving the relationship, they must abandon the abuser or the marriage. They stay and continue the Cycle of Abuse by allowing themselves to be abused, and by allowing their children to see that abuse. Children who grow up with an abusive parent will most often continue that abuse in their own families as adults.

Most of those who’ve been abused don’t want a divorce or end to the relationship. They want the abuse to stop. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD or traits of BPD adds more layers of difficulty to this already complex and difficult dynamic.

Leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that you are ending it. Nor does it mean that your partner cannot change. It is important to know that change almost NEVER happens while the victim remains in the relationship. Most abusive relationships cannot be healed while the parties live together.

It takes outside resources, therapy, often the courts involvement and court ordered therapy and treatment for abuse for an Abuser to make the changes needed to stop the abuse.

Most of those who’ve been abused cannot heal alone. Without serious therapy and counseling, they will only meet another abuser and continue the cycle. Care about yourself enough to get safe, get help and being the journey to healing, change and healthier relationships.

Adapted from the Project for Victims Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.


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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated More

[Lupita]

Safety Planning

Being Prepared for the Worst While Hoping for the Best If you feel as if you are in danger right now, stop reading and immediately call 911.

One of the most important things you can do if you choose to stay (even temporarily) with your BPSO is to create a Safety Plan. A Safety Plan is the equivalent of a Fire Safety plan for getting everyone out of the house. The difference is that rather than a fire, this Safety Plan is executed upon a bad rage on the part of your BPSO.

If you are planning on leaving (or even just thinking about leaving) the relationship soon, this escalates the danger of being in the house significantly. Your partner’s abandonment issues will come up as soon as he/she realizes or "feels" that you might be leaving. In these cases, violence can occur, even if it hasn’t in the past. It is very important therefore to be prepared. We have had list members in this situation involved with SWAT teams, this can be very serious. Many of these people never anticipated that such a violent episode could happen, you don’t always get a steady escalation. Take action even if this seems totally unnecessary to you.

Safety plans are not gender specific. Men as well as women need to create a workable Safety Plan. Violence can erupt without warning, so being prepared during a time of relative peace is the only way to assure your safety.

Just as washing your car will bring the rains, getting your safety plan together may decrease the chance that you’ll have to use it. It’s insurance on your continued well being.

For more help, you may contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

See below for international numbers

While Living With an Abuser

Stay out of rooms with no exit
Avoid rooms that may have weapons
Select a code word that alerts friends and children to call police
Leave suitcase and checklist items with a friend Once the Abuser has Left
Seek Competent Legal Advice as soon as possible
Obtain an Order of Protection (called a Restraining Order in some places)
Change locks on ALL doors and windows immediately
Insert a peephole in the door and ALWAYS look through it BEFORE you open the door
Change telephone number, screen calls, and block Caller ID
Install/Increase outside lighting, or get motion detector lights that ring an alarm inside the house
Consider getting a dog (retired police dogs can often be obtained)
Inform landlord or neighbor of situation and ask that the police be called if abuser is seen around the house
Have friends check in with you on a regular basis
Develop code words to use to have a friend or neighbor call the police (suggestion: "Gee, the weather looks stormy")
If you have a security system, change the passwords immediately
Change any shared passwords for ATM cards, for computer or email access, or any other thing that is password protected
Once you have obtained an Order of Protection or Restraining Order, make copies and keep them with you at all times Further Steps to Take at Work
Tell your employer
Give security at work a photo of abuser and Order of Protection
Screen your calls
Have an escort to your car or bus
Vary your route home
Consider a cell phone for your car
Carry a noisemaker or personal alarm Protecting Your Children
Plan and rehearse an escape route with your children
If it is safe, teach them a code word to call 911, and how to use a public telephone
Let a neighbor know what is happening and make arrangements for your child to go there in an emergency
Let school personnel know to whom children can be released
Ask the school to notify you immediately if your children are not in school and you’ve not informed them that they are absent with reason
Give school personnel a photo of abuser
Warn school personnel NOT to divulge your address and phone number
Give copies of the Order of Protection to schools, daycare, and babysitters Staying Safe After you Leave
Prepare an Emergency Kit
An Emergency Kit should contain at a minimum, the following:

Driver’s Licence (copy)
Children’s Birth Certificates
Your Birth Certificate
Marriage License
Copies of any custody papers from previous relationships
Social Security Card
Welfare Identification
Medical Insurance Cards
Copies of necessary telephone numbers
Banking information such as bank account numbers and extra checks
Money
Credit Card - Preferably one that is not jointly controlled by the abuser
ATM Card
Savings Books
Checkbook
Lease, Rental Agreement, or Deed to House/Properties
Car Registration & Insurance Papers
Health and Life Insurance Papers
Medical Records for You and Your Children
School and Shot Records
Work Permits/Green Card or Visa
Passport
Divorce Papers
Custody Papers
Extra set of Keys to House, Car, and Safety Deposit Boxes
Medications for You and Your Children
Small Objects to Sell
Jewelry
Address Book
Phone Card
Pictures of You, Children, and Your Abuser
Children’s Small Toys
Toiletries/Diapers
Clothing - at least one change of clothing for each person
Leave the Emergency Kit with a friend or neighbor that you can trust
Further Steps to Take

Open a savings account in your own name.
Get your own post office box so you can receive mail and checks
Plan who to stay with or who would be able to lend you money during a crisis
Contact the hotline or any shelter for help in safety planning and keep the hotline number with you at all times
Know where the emergency shelter is
BPD411 would like to acknowledge the Maricopa Association of Governments and Community Partners for contributing to the information provided above.

International numbers include:

Kriisipuhelin (Crisis line)

0600-9-2929 (0600 works in the whole country).

Auttava puhelin elämän kriisitilanteissa (Help line for crises in your life).

2,20 mk/min+pvm (2.20 marks/min + local call).----

Suomen mielenterveys-seuran kriisipuhelin (Finnish mental health association crisis line)

0203-445-566 (should work for whole country).

Joka päivä alkaen klo 15.00 (Every day after 15:00).

ppm (Local call).

----

They speak Finnish and (probably) Swedish, and hopefully English too.


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Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated More

[papillon]

Hi Lupita, thank you for all this great information you have posted.

Many Nons enable their BP/SOs by not setting proper boundaries.
Guilty

You may rage when the BP rages at you. These are your issues, you need to work on them.
Guilty

When you put the needs of your BPSO ahead of your own needs....................you are exhibiting a particular form of poor boundary maintenance.
Guilty

Take ownership of your own problems and issues...........Take a personal inventory. Start working hard on the things you do have control over........examine your own abandonment issues.
Not Guilty****** Anymore Yippeee 

Thanks Lupita for the truly great 'feel good' moment.


Papillon


“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
Albert Einstein

[Ami]

  Thank you Lupita and Papillion.   I have to value what is inside the boundary---me. After  hating myself, I see that I am not "that bad". I have things that I like .I can live with others that I don't.My self seems a little safer, to me. My M was the one with concept of  'bad". I was "human",NOT "bad".
People in my life tell me that I AM "normal". They tell me that I am just "fine",but don't know it(lol).
 I am finding order,inside myself, the way you would clean a messy room. There are so many parts to me . My M put her imprint of 'bad" on my desire  to take care of myself,protect myself and have my own power. Those are the hardest things to reclaim b/c I feel like a sword will come down from the sky and slice me if I have the "audacity" to value myself. I feel likeI have to "look around" as if I just "killed s/one"(lol) I feel like I commited a horrible crime ,when ALL I want to do is own myself. That is all. I don't want to hurt anyone else, just own ME.
 I get afraid of people's anger when I am "strong" and have my own power. My M's most demeaning phrase to me was ,"WHO do you think you are?"
 Well, I gave it all up and became "nothing".
Now, with Scott's death, everything is new. I am on a fast track to healing b/c Scott loved me and part of his death was he could not stand to see me abused.
  The board is so healing,now, and I am so ,so grateful.                          Love   Ami

[Leah]

Abuse Within the BPD/NonBPD Dynamic
Many of those involved in relationships with someone who has BPD or traits of the disorder, have difficulty in priorizing their own safety over the needs of others. It’s hard when you’re living with the craziness and chaos of the disorder to think clearly and to know if what you’re experiencing is abusive. It’s a normal pattern for Non’s to make excuses for those they care about, to minimize the abusive behavior and make it less ugly, demeaning, or damaging than it truly is. To help understand what abuse is, please read the following and answer honestly if these describe your relationship. The following are characteristics of an abusive relationship. If you answer yes to more than two of any of these descriptions, you are most likely in an abusive relationship and need help. You need to get safe immediately. Locate your local shelter and get help. Make your safety and that of your children your most important priority. While we are using “he” for this information, it often may apply to women as well.

1) Push for quick involvement? When you first met the BP in your life, did he move the relationship along very fast? Sweep you off your feet? Did he come on strong, with claims such as: “I’ve never loved anyone else like this before”? Or: “You’re the only person who’s ever understood me.”? An Abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment very quickly. Did he ask you to marry or move in with him within a few weeks or months of beginning the relationship? Did the intensity of the relationship and it’s high levels of emotion leave your ability to think critically, clouded and ineffective? Did it feel like you’d ‘met the other half of yourself?” Your “soul mate”? Did it feel “too good to be true”?

2) Excessive Possessiveness? Does the BP in your life call you constantly? Visit often or without notice? Attempt to or prevent you from going to work because “you might meet someone else”? Does he ever check the mileage on your car? Listen into telephone conversations without your permission? Insist that you repeat conversations to him verbatim? Accuse you of “hiding something” if you don’t reveal ALL the details of your past and present? Do you get confused between what’s appropriate sharing and what’s not? Does he accuse you of “leading other men on”? Of having affairs? Or other inappropriate relationships?

3) Controlling Behaviors: Does the BP in your life question you incessantly about your activities when you are apart? Does he insist that all your money be in his control? For a variety of reasons? “You aren’t good with money”, or “I’m much better with money than you are.”? Does he limit your contact with friends and family? Or make the consequences of your spending time with them so high that you are unable or unwilling to pay them? Does he accuse you of attempting to control his behavior when you ask him where he’s been or when he’ll be home?

4) Unrealistic Expectations: Does the BP in your life set standards that you find impossible to meet? Does he expect you to be “the perfect” mate in all aspects of life? Does he expect that you will always have the same opinions as he? Vote the same way? Does he make you responsible for meeting ALL his needs while having little respect or paying little attention to your needs and wants?

5) Isolation: Does the BP in your life do his best to isolate you from family, friends, colleagues and others important in your life? Have you reduced or eliminated the activities you used to enjoy because he doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t approve of them? Does he accuse others of being out to “spoil” your relationship? Or of “not liking him” or “finding fault with him”? Does he insist that you carry a pager or cell phone so he can “always get a hold of you”?

6) Blames others for his problems? When things go wrong does the BP in your life always have some excuse or reason that blames others, rather than accepting his responsibility for issues and problems? Does he have a string of short term jobs? Or of being fired repeatedly? When there’s a problem in your relationship, does he always blame you? Does he tell you: “If you would just (insert example here) then we would be just fine”? Are problems in the relationship always about you and never about him?

7) Makes others (including you) completely responsible for his feelings? An abuser will say: “You MAKE me do this, it’s all YOUR fault”. A non abuser will say “I’m angry”. An Abuser may use emotional blackmail to control your thoughts, feelings and actions. “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” or, “I couldn’t survive without you.”

Hypersensitivity: Is the BP in your life easily insulted? Does he assume negative intentions on the part of others, including you? Does he often find a way to make the most innocent behavior a personal insult or slight aimed at him? Does he rant or rage about “how unfair everything is” and how he’s “always the victim of some plot or injustice”?

9) Cruelty to Animals and Children: An Abuser will punish those in his power to a degree completely out of context with the offense. Does he expect children to behave in ways that are completely beyond their ability or age? Do you often find yourself getting in between the child and the adult? Or force you to remain silent when he’s out of control and over-disciplines a child? Does he ever get too rough and injure children while ‘playing’? Does he injure animals and pets? Does he take pride in stories of excessive cruelty from his childhood or adolescents directed towards others, children, pets?

10) “Playful” use of Force During Sex: Does he enjoy putting you in positions of weakness, or forcing you down, refusing to listen to you if you are being hurt, or feel uncomfortable during sex? Does he use threats, physical force or coercion to get you to do things during sex that you find uncomfortable, unnatural or frightening? Does he encourage you to “play act” fantasies of rape during sex? Does he have fantasies of hurting or killing someone during sex?

11) Verbal Abuse: Does the BP in your life use words as weapons to hurt and wound you? Does he criticize how you cook, clean, dress, parent, or any other activity? Does he curse at you, call you names, keep you awake for long periods when he is aware that you need to get up in the morning for work, school or children? Does he make ugly remarks and later say it’s okay, he was “only kidding”, or “what’s the matter with you, can’t you take a little joke?” or “Gee you’re SO sensitive!”

12) Rigid Sex Roles: Does the BP in your life expect you to do all the cooking/cleaning, parenting, act in a role of a servant, remain at home and not work or have outside interests? Does he expect you to wait on him hand and foot?

13) Sudden Mood Swings: Does the BP in your life switch from reasonable and rational to screaming and raging over trivial incidents? Or when he’s had a bad day at work? Is it always your fault? Does he rage for extended periods of time? Hours? Days? Does he then promise “never to do it again”? Does he promise to do “anything” if only “you’ll forgive him”?

14) Physical Abuse: Has the BP in your life ever hit you? Slapped you? Pushed or shoved you? Bounced you off a wall or door? Pushed you down the stairs? Pinched you and left bruises? Refused to allow you to leave a room or your home? If so, you need to get safe immediately!

15) Past Battering: Does the BP in your life have a history of convictions for assault, domestic or family violence or a criminal record for violent behavior, while claiming it was “the other person who made them do it.”? Does he claim his ex partners were “emotionally violent, have stalked him, or were crazy”?

16) Threats of Violence: Does the BP in your life make threats? Does he threaten to hurt or destroy things that are valuable to you? Does he threaten your children, family, friends or you? Threaten to take your children away from you if you should separate? Does he then dismiss his threats with comments like: “Everyone talks like that when they’re mad”, or “I didn’t really mean it, besides, you made me so angry I had no choice.”? Does he engage in high risk taking behaviors such as speeding, especially with others in the car?

17) Frightening attitudes towards women and/or guns: Does the BP in your life think that women are inferior beings? That if a woman is raped, that “She asked for it”? Does he have access to firearms? Hang around with others who share his attitudes? Tell jokes that make fun of women or minorities? Does he threaten you or himself with firearms? If so, please go directly to our Safety page. Get help and get safe immediately.

18) Alcohol or other Substance Abuse Issues: Does the BP in your life have a drinking problem? Does he drink and get drunk often? (Once a week or more?) Does he use ‘recreational’ drugs? Or abuse prescription pain killers or mood altering drugs? Does he use this as an excuse for violence or other abuse?

You and your children have the right and obligation to be free from abuse and violence. No one has the right to hurt or harm you. Please take your safety seriously. Please get safe, get help and stay safe.

You are only a victim while the abuse is happening. Once it’s over, you are a survivor. You can choose to protect yourself and your children. You are not responsible for what the person with BPD does. You ARE responsible for what you choose to do.

Many of those who’ve been abused stay because they think that in leaving the relationship, they must abandon the abuser or the marriage. They stay and continue the Cycle of Abuse by allowing themselves to be abused, and by allowing their children to see that abuse. Children who grow up with an abusive parent will most often continue that abuse in their own families as adults.

Most of those who’ve been abused don’t want a divorce or end to the relationship. They want the abuse to stop. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD or traits of BPD adds more layers of difficulty to this already complex and difficult dynamic.

Leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that you are ending it. Nor does it mean that your partner cannot change. It is important to know that change almost NEVER happens while the victim remains in the relationship. Most abusive relationships cannot be healed while the parties live together.

It takes outside resources, therapy, often the courts involvement and court ordered therapy and treatment for abuse for an Abuser to make the changes needed to stop the abuse.

Most of those who’ve been abused cannot heal alone. Without serious therapy and counseling, they will only meet another abuser and continue the cycle. Care about yourself enough to get safe, get help and being the journey to healing, change and healthier relationships.

Adapted from the Project for Victims Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.


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Thank you, Lupita

For posting all the superb articles, along with the website link, in this, your thread, as I have suspected for some time, though, I had to bring my research to a halt, that my exH may have BPD (in addition to NPD -- I just don't know), whilst remaining aware that I cannot diagnose anyone, nor indeed, would I attach a label to anyone, however, the historical behavioral traits speak for themselves, and unop reflection, I have been voiceless all my adult life, in my marriage to him, with ongoing bewilderment.

Going to print this off and sit a while and digest, as there is indeed, much food for thought, and reflection.

Grateful.

Hope all is well with you Lupita.

I also appreciated your thread entitled "detachment"

Love, Leah

[Lupita]

Dear Papillon, I understand you. I have done it before. I did not do it for a man, but I did it for my mother and for friends. I was so needy to have aproval, that I did eny thing for friends, bending over so much about to brake my self, for my brother, my sister, my moter, must of it fo rmy mother, and enevr received a thank you not even the so much desired smile.
So, I totally understando you.

Dear Ami, I get your broken disk, and I know you aare right, and I call it broeh disk, not out of disrespect but out of the ironic truth. You are just telling a true that we are incapapble to comply with.

Dear Lea, you are such a nice person, alwyas giving me nice words and giving me validation. I appreciate so much your help.

I do believe that Borderline and Narcissistic are very close diosorders, and there is no line in betweem, they overlap. And the damage on us overlaps too.

Love to you all.

God bless you.

[Lupita]

Something that is very ironic, is that this thread has been read more than seventy times but nobody adds commnets. Just three dear friends have added comments. Why is that?

Love to you all

[Ami]

It just happens on certain threads that they ARE read,but few people comment. The thread with Scott's pix was read an so many times,but had relatively  few comments. I don't really know why.                               Ami

[Lupita]

Ami, I did not see Scott pictures. What can I do to see them, please?

I read the thread, but no pictures. Where are they? I would love to see that angel!!!

[Lupita]

Please, Ami, read this thread carefully and you will find an answer. My theory is that we re not Ns. But we are mimiking the behavior because were were fed with it all our lives, since the day we were born. But the prove that we are not is that we are not uncapable to bond, we are very capable to bond, and we love and we would give our lives for our loved ones, we care for others, and that proves that we are not Ns. Ns are totally incapable to bond, or to care.

Love to you.

[Lupita]

Hi Lollie, I agree with you. And I also get triggered by women who put their man first before their children. Many babies are abused by the boyfriends. That makes me very sad.
My mother always put her husband first. It does not have to be material, it could be validation too. When a mother agree with the husband against the children, or gung up with the husband against the children, etc, could be emotionally too.

It is sad, very sad.

[Lupita]

I do believe that we become enablers when we sacrifice our selves for a selfish person. But most of the times we do it out of neediness.

To be needy is bad.

So, everything comes back to self esteem. And remember that selfesteem isnothing else but what you think of your self. I have a very low selfesteem, I confess.