Still surprised by NPD father's demands

[Gaining Strength]

My father is moving out of his apartment and has offered me twin beds that have been his, his entire life.  I was glad to receive them as I am recarpeting my upstairs and want to move my son into what had been a semi furnished guest room.  With twin beds he can have friends over to spend the night and we can change his former bedroom into a play room that can fit all his toys and give floor space to play.  That will leave a third room that we can use as a study/sewing/craft room.  I am very excited.

For three weeks my father has said that he needed to move out "now".  So this morning my father calls and says, "I need to move those beds.  When can you be available for my guy to bring them.  "Well the carpet layers are coming today so perhaps after 3pm today and I'll make myself available any time tomorrow except between 1:30 and 3:00 when I have a meeting at school."  To make a long story shorter none of those times were acceptable for him.  The hour and a half that I was unavailabe tomorrow was a real problem for him.  When I suggested that this afternoon would be best he was completely exasperated, "that's just NOT enought TIME!"  "Why not?"  "Well Bud will have to take the beds apart and then load them and then unload them and reassemble them."  "Yes but the only part of that that has to wait until anytime after 3 is the unloading."  "Well that's NOT enough time. We'll just have to do it on Thursday."  "OK"

At 3:30 the phone rings. "Hello"  "Where are you?"  "I'm at home."  "I've got Bud here ready to disassemble these beds.  Are you going to be there?"  No answer - the carpet people have been working all day but they have not set the carpet in the room the beds are going in.  I don't even know how to respond so I do what I have always done. "Yes I'll be here." Which wasn't true.  I was on my way to my mother's where my son was with a young college student working on his homework.  Plus I don't even know if it is possible to get the carpet down in time.  Not to mention that at 9:30 this morning he said he couldn't possibly move the beds today.  But none of this can even be discussed.  None of where I really need to be matters at all.  None of what I have to juggle makes the least bit of difference to him.  About the time I get back to my mother's the phone rings.  "Where are you?  We're at your house waiting on you."  So I turn around and when I get back there, they have finished setting them up. And he says, "Is that where you want them?"  "Yes, that's perfect."  "Well we've got to get going.  You'll need to move your car to let us out."  "OK - thank you very much." 

Now why in the world did I have to make that 30 minute round trip just to say, "Yes that's where I wanted them."

Why did any of this surprise me?  Why did my morning conversation about arranging a time to deliver frustrate or surprise me.  I had mentioned this conversation with my mother so when I disappeared from her house in the afternoon she was surprised to learn that I had to go to "receive" the beds because I had told her that my father had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that my availability today and tomorrow weren't very acceptable but that he would let me know (at the last minute) what time he expected me home to receive the beds tomorrow. 

All of this is so typical of him.  It no longer causes me to completely shut down the way it used to.  His rage and anger at my "unresponsiveness" and lack of appropriate appreciation are now just frustrating - no longer crushing, no longer sending me into a state of self critical sense of a complete lacking to do what is right, to perform acceptably, to be fully appreciative, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  FINALLY I get it.  His is one sick puppy, trying to create chaos and then be disparaging and dismissive out of his N need to project his own worthlessness onto me or anyone else willing to take it on.  I usually sign up for double doses - just a small problem of masochism I must have picked up early on.

[dandylife]

This reminds me of the "metaprograms" from NLP. Have you heard of them? They are sort of like filters through which a person will run their behavior.

For instance, if I put 3 different sized coins on a table and ask you to make a statement about them, I can figure out at least one of your "metaprograms".

If you say, "they are all round" - then you have a sameness metaprogram - you find something similar, I think they call this being a "matcher".

If you say, "they are all different" - you find differences - they call this "mismatcher".

If you say, "they are all round, except they are different sizes"  you are matcher, with a mismatch.

Usually, this will be an uncanny fit to any situation. Try it with people.

My Npartner is a mismatcher, with a match. So I'll say hey let's do _____. He'll say _______ would be better. A few seconds later he'll say "but maybe we'll do ____"

It's probably just that they've been programmed to react that way.

Maybe your dad is a mismatcher.

You can do this with the words they speak, too, to figure out if they are more visual (I "see", that "looks" right), audio (I "hear" you, that "sounds" right) or kinesthetic (it "feels" right to me), etc.

Dandylife

[gratitude28]

GS,
This is the way my mother does everything... and I didn't realize it so clearly until you wrote this.
If we plan to go to dinner, she will say, where do you want to go. But nothing you pick is OK. Then she will pick a place, but make convoluted directions on how to meet and when to go. She will go on and on until she creates some final plan, and you have to sit through the whole ordeal. We do this with everything. Fortunately, I am far enough away that I don't have to go through the shenanigans anymore. I have heard her do it with my sister, though, still. It's too much a fun habit for them to ever give up - they love to bait and frustrate.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

The scenario you've given here is so very familiar to me. About this:  When I suggested that this afternoon would be best he was completely exasperated, "that's just NOT enought TIME!"      

heh... it's never enough time for N who absolutely refuses to meet the demands of time (which he is convinced should be suspended for his glorified sake). But you managed this so well, GS!   And your son now has those beds he needed... bet he's excited at the prospect of his new playroom and being able to have friends over!  

By the way, does your dad wear a watch, GS?  Just curious. NPD-ex refused to.

Carolyn

P.S.  Very interesting, Dandylife. I'm a matcher with a mismatch, I think. Will be testing this out!

[debkor]

Morning Grats,


Good for you.  I am very glad that you don't feel bad about changing your life to accommodate you and not all others at beckon need.

(lol)  I am laughing because like you I still get surprised at N's demands and I don't know why because I do expect it.  Maybe because we are sane? 

Ah but you got your beds, your carpeting and like Izzy said, your still sane.   

I just love when they call you and say, Where are you?  What are you doing because then you know they want something or they are already in their car driving and probably right in your drive way.

Here is one for you Grats

My N friend must of dialed my number 9 times yesterday.  I put my voice mail to one ring.  I was not feeling good and wanted to sleep.  She went about crazy.  My D was upset though thinking I was unconscious.  The friend even went into my D's job to tell her about my ringer. Gad!  When I awoke I checked my messages.  The one from her was"  There is something wrong with your phone I really need to talk to you.  I'm very sick. I am really sick and I need to talk to you.  I have laryngitis!  Now why in the world or how in the world could you have selective laryngitis   I never returned the phone call until this morning about oh 15 Min's ago she called.  I'm dying with a cold/virus here at the moment myself.
Phone call.

*cough* gag Hello (me)

I'm very sick (her)

Welcome to my world (me)

No I am really sick (her)

I went to the Dr's and he gave me  medicine and I have 101 fever.  I have no appetite so I ate a bowl of creamy tomato soup.
I'm very sick.  I'm dizzy.  I'm very sick.  I have no voice    I'm very sick. I laid down last night at 8pm.  Then I wanted orange juice and told my D to get it but my b/f said why didn't she ask me for it and brought it to me.  My kids whined.  They are so mean to me.  Not one of them felt sorry for me.  Well my son did.  (he does not live with her). I'm very sick.  I can't talk. I have to be taken care of.

Now you know I'm not feeling good myself.  I'm crabby to begin with. 

Finally!  I said, Oh shut up whining.  Your not the only one sick.   What did you save your voice to carry on with me.
I don't care I'm sick myself.  I was kinda mean.  I feel a little bad about that (little). 

This was the response:  I'm really sick.  I had tomato soup etc.  By now I went into the bathroom, changed the channel on the TV, felt like I coughed up a lung and started some laundry. She never heard a word I said (lol).

She then said, like I called her,  I have to go I don't feel good.   (lol)
They are crazy and actually laughable as annoying as they may be.  They really are boring.  Not that I enjoy seeing anyone sick but holy moley. 

Do they ever SHUT UP!

I hope this gave you a laugh.

Ah well. 

Now I want creamy tomato soup.  I guess one thing good came out of it.


Dandy,

That is interesting about the coins.  I will have to try that.


Love
Deb

[Overcomer]

It is funny.  Try this sometime.  React in a way that you would never react to your N.  One time I just decided to go to the bookkeeper instead of my mom for everything.  The bk told everyone I was sick and would not be in.  My mom called and complained that I had not called HER but the bookkeeper of all people!  I said, "is'nt that nice?"  I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears.  Try saying THESE ARE THE TIMES I AM AVAILABLE DAD.  PERIOD.  See what he does.

[James]

Hi GS........... You just gave me a world of insight into whats been happening with me and my N parents with your story.  Goes a long way in explaining why i'm reluctant to accept their gifts. If i do i'm a prisoner. If I don't somehow they are SO offended and bad mouth to my sisters. Usually tell me how rude i am to my face. If i dare show any anger at this stage their abuse spirals out of control.  I used to always leave feeling so bad about myself.  I can't win either way........Thanks James 

[gratitude28]

Danday,
I love the line, "No, I am really sick." This is almost (I think) a convoluted way of saying, "I usually lie because I need attention, but now I am really sick." That is what I believe when I hear these things now.
Yes, I am sure she heard not one word of what you had to say. Love the laryngitis that allows her to talk!!! lol.
The last time I visited my parents, the kids and I woke up at our normal time in the house (early morning). My mother always sleeps late - visitors or not. She came hobbling out of her room on a cane and moaning. I looked at her and said if she needed, she could call the Doc and I would drive her. And then I ignored the moaning.
Amazing that the other 360 days of the year, she went shopping and did everything normally. She also decided to go to lunch with my sister and I that same day, but when we were getting along, she got upset and put down her spoon and moaned that she couldn't take it anymore. So we dropped her off at the house and went on. It was such an obvious farce it almost made me laugh. That morning, too, when she was hobling, she called my sister to ask if it was OK to take aspirin for her pain. She's been a nurse for 35 years, yet she needed to call my sister to ask to take aspirin????
Oy vey!!!!!!

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  Somehow, you opened the floodgate to your inner self and you are "seeing" with your OWN eyes. I think this is one of the cruciial steps in healing. I am so happy for you.        Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

now just frustrating - no longer crushing, no longer sending me into a state of self critical sense of a complete lacking to do what is right, to perform acceptably, to be fully appreciative, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  FINALLY I get it.  His is one sick puppy, trying to create chaos and then be disparaging and dismissive out of his N need to project his own worthlessness onto me or anyone else willing to take it on.

GS, not only have you graduated from N'schild school, but you just got your M.A.
The PhD is your serenity you're already beginning to experience, increasingly.

So overjoyed for you.

love
Hops

[hardtotrust]

GS, how reassuring your post is! It shows how impossible it is to have a simple, straightforward, direct and honest conversation with N's. Most of my life I got confused, thinking there should be a correct way to talk that I didn't know of. Only now I understand examples like yours. There's no way to have a real talk with an N.

Thank you.

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy

and you are still sane!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that's up for discussion - LOL.

dandylife
The metaprograms concept is fascinating.  I hope I will take the time to learn more about it.  Both of my parents are definitely mis-matchers.  My first husband always thought I was a mismatcher as well.  He probably was right. Perhaps it was all I knew.

Certain Hope 

By the way, does your dad wear a watch, GS?

LOL I had to stop and respond to this.  My father wore FOUR watches simultaneously until his attorney told him not to when he was hospitalized against his will this summer.  Since then he has only worn one.  But some of those he used to wear did not work and I have no idea if the one he wears now works or not.  Time is completely immaterial to him unless it is material. - know what I mean?

debcor

Ah but you got your beds, your carpeting

Yes I did and without having to listen to talk about creamy tomato soup - LOL.

Overcomer

Try saying THESE ARE THE TIMES I AM AVAILABLE DAD.  PERIOD.  See what he does.

OMG - See what it would do to ME!!!!! lol. 
I can do this with my mother.  Dare I become strong enough to do this to my father without fear.  I don't know.

James  What you are describing is the "double bind."  There is no way out.  It is also very difficult to identify and if you have grown up with it as you and I have it makes life very, very confusing.  Without realizing it, I expected everyone to conduct life with double binds and so I was suspicious and resentful and sometimes caustic b/c I assumed people were "setting me up" in a double bind.  They thought I was crazy - perhaps I was.  No wonder.

Ami

I think this is one of the cruciial steps in healing.

I hope so. I am so glad you have such a conviction of my fortitude. Would you come stand in front of me while I follow Overcomer's suggestion?

Hopalong
Serenity is definitelyl the Ph.D.  I should start searching for my lotus pad soon.

Hard to Trust

Most of my life I got confused, thinking there should be a correct way to talk that I didn't know of.

LOL - I began E-N-U-N-C-I-A-T-I-N-G and carefully articulating as a teenager thinking that this would help me communicate.  I felt like Demonsthenes with the marbles in his mouth.  It never did work - but I articulate clearly now as a result - not the result I was aiming for though.

Leah
Thanks.  It really feels great.  This time I feel certain that if it slips away the slip will only be momentary.  In the past I knew it would never return.  Nice change - at long, long last.

[Leah]

(((((((((( GS ))))))))))

Truly awesome.

Love

Leah

[Certain Hope]

lol.. yes, I know exactly what you mean, dear GS... it's all immaterial, unless it suits N.

I know one who wore a timepiece, but refused to spring forward or fall back... lol...
and another (ex) who insisted that the electrical current in his body stopped any watch he'd try to wear.
(His sister told me that was an old ruse of his from young adulthood, often used to excuse away his tardiness... but that it was absolutely untrue.) Of course, for N who makes it all up as he goes along, who's gonna know? 
Four watches, though... lol - yup, that takes the cake!

Big hugs,
Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

An N can come up with some CRAZY reasoning.  That is for sure.

The only reason my father doesn't wear 4 watches anymore is b/c he was convinced that OTHER people thought it made him LOOK crazy (not that there was anything crazy about it at all!)