sexual abuse

[Ami]

Send a "dozer to my house, after yours , will ya?(lol) Our shame and guilt feels so deep s/times . I wish Papillion were here to join in on this discussion. .
    Love,         Ami

[James]

LOL i'm even thinking dynamite now!!!  James

[Ami]

Bring it ALL on!!!

[James]

Ami....did you read the post here i wrote earlier to Hops? My dad really was something else. He got me where it hurts at the most basic level of self. Do you have any thing you can relate to me from a woman's point of view. It really caused problems in my firendships with other men.    Love james

[Ami]

Dear James,
 Which post was it exactly. I see the one about your GF with Hops..Write the number of the post and the thread title,so I can find it.
 I don't understand your question. Are you asking me if my M treated me in a simlar way and how I dealt with it or what it did to me with regard to my relationships with other woman?
  You are doing SO well,James!            Love  Ami

[James]

Ami...goodmorning. I'm not sure the post# but in essence i was speaking about how my dad's abuse affected my relationship with other men. I'm starting to see that even here their are a lot of old wounds that need to be repaired.  James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 I want to tell you what   joy I have to see you emerge out of some of your  pain. I see your 'essence" starting to bloom, as you have hope that you CAN heal. It is such  beautiful thing to watch.
 My M made it hard for me to trust women( and probably men, too).I was revolted and disgusted by my M. She would try to shock me, on purpose ,so she could keep me off balance, never claiming myself.
 I was a very innocent kid. I didn't know anything about sex, homosexuality or anything until I was in sixth grade ,when my M gave me a book.
 After that ,my M would shock me by saying things like she thinks she could be a lesbian . I remember that my stomach hit the floor . She would tell me about my F and her sex life. I had to scream,"I DON"T want to hear about it."
 She told me that she was disgusted that I get my period early b/c I was like a "peasant", Actually, I wanted to put a LOL ,after  that one. She was so stupid. However, she did these things with malice to frighten me and take my power away.
 I think the key to trusting people, anyone, is trusting yourself to KEEP yourself safe. That is what I am seeing now and trying to do.
   We were denuded of our trust,James. Of course, we don't trust. It is "normal" for what we have been through, NOT abnormal.
 Keep on asking, sharing,  and giving. You WILL make it b/c the truth will set you free, Friend.  Love   Ami

[James]

Ami....what you said makes perfect sense to me. I'm sorry your boundaries and sense of safety were violated by your mom's own denial of her pain and suffering. But my how you are healing. You know, as young children the brain, keeps processing using the information it receives from the parents/ caregivers others and the potential for lasting confusion develops and carries with us causing pain until WE find the courage to see whats really there. We then have the option to share with others what we find and with this have the potential to help not only ourselves but others. Bravo to you!!   Love James

[finding peace]

Hi James,

I saw your question to Ami, and hope it is ok if I respond as well.

I had a terrible time with men (both my F and my brother were very abusive when I was a child). 

I had a male therapist who was wonderful.  I fell into that one – he came highly recommended.  It took a very long time to establish trust (I don’t trust easily – another legacy from my childhood), but he helped me tremendously and I think a lot of that was simply because he was male. 

I still have trouble with males in an authority position – particularly those who are large (my father was a very tall, large man).  But, when I remember to do a thought intervention (like Iphi was talking of), I remind myself to look to that person’s behavior to define them not my father’s behavior.  (Don’t always remember, and can find myself very anxious in their presence – I do feel bad about it, it isn’t their fault, but sometimes, can’t seem to help it).

Take care,
Peace

[James]

Peace......i'm glad you dropped by and shared more of your story and its effects. It's begining to look like i'm not the only one who has difficuties in later relationships because of the abuse. I also had great fear of authority figures. Thats changing. In some ways my experience is slightly different, maybe, in that i was in a strange way sexually abused by dad and emotionally sexually abused by mom. This has created much anxiety for me at times without an understanding until recently, I felt trapped in the middle with no place to run if this makes any sense. Horrible trust issues on both sides creating ultimately damaging intimacy problems and left me alone and i blamed myself for all of this until recently. I'm happy you're here   james

[Ami]

I was thankful that I did have some trust in men b/c my F was loving, just "wimpy" or else I would not be able to establish any relationships. I could see if you had abuse from both, you would have many hurdles to climb.
 It is NOT your fault, James. I become "numb" around women, s/times . I can't help it. It is automatic.
 Our defense mechanisms ARE automatic. I learned that, first hand , when I went in to shock, upon hearing of Scott's death, from the two policemen. At that moment,I entered a state of shock, with no will of my own. It was a survival mechanism. I could not cry or could not feel. I stayed up all night, with my eyes wide open, just staring ahead.
A similar mechanism happens when we get abused. We go in to "shock", I think. It is  not our fault.
However, it diminishes our lives, greatly. We are "lost" in an unreal dimension,when we are in shock, for a death OR abuse.
I think that is what you are really saying with your inability to relate to men and woman.
 You HAD to shut down in order not to go insane.
 Compost what does not fit, friend.        Love   Ami

[James]

Ami......i couldn't not agree more with what you said. I see it in my life and feel a little of the shock leaving slowly. I sometimes see the shock in my eyes with a blank stare of sorts. Our mind/body does protect us without our knowing sometimes. this leads me to see that early trauma still lives inside and continually activates and reinforces shock the adult seeks to escape. Ami, how are doing with the grief of Scott?...only if you want to share. BTW seems i'ved missed you today...love James

[Ami]

Thanks for asking about the shock with  Scott's death. Yesterday, I felt pain in every cell of my body. I had a feeling that I could go insane, too. It was scary,like hanging over the edge.
  Today, I feel much  better. I bet that your body and mind heals in small increments. I really could not take the sadness ,anymore. Today, I feel a peace that he is in Heaven and happy.
 Last night, I connected with s/one who loves me and just that connection helped me to feel that life does have beauty .
 Any form of giving or recieving love is beauty, even us helping each other here.
 I have such a respect for the process of shock, now. Shock takes you over.. You are in an emotionally "dumbed down " state, with one "note"--bland.
 You are  in a separate world where nothing in the  world is REALLY happening. It is all a dream with dream characters  doing activities, but YOU are not inhabiting their reality
  I went in to shock , at 14, as I said. I had many of the same shock symptoms that I do now, but much less.
 I was numb, not real, inhabiting a "different" reality than "real" life.
 So, we really cannot help it, James.
 We develped in a "goofy" way b/c shock and other defense mechanisms take  over, automatically.
                                                                                                                                           Sending Love     Ami

[James]

Ami....let me share with you some of the knowlege of a scientic nature that i have acquired the last year thru my reasearch. The right side of the brain is the portion that deals with emotions but it not exclusive here only. When traumatic pain occurs, the brain represses here by the use of it's own neurochemicals the pain we feel. This is repressed because we can not bear it all at once. Thru time when we are ready these nerochemicals can "unblock" and then the original pain can finally be felt. It happens in stages only when pain is severe. Unfortunately for childen, because of their helplessness, their pain is extremely intense and life threatening. Its stored in this way because of its danger to the child. As adults were fear this pain and its reasons lie repressed and unconscious. When we are ready the neural pathways will free up old memories and then we feel the old pain we never felt in it's original intensity. This, as it occurs, leads to eventual healing and we no longer suffer from what happened. Anti-depressents serve to block pathways similarly as our brain chemistry does and makes it difficult to find the memories/pain which lead to a true healing. The oringinal pain has to be felt for the suffer to recover his life now. Does this make sense?........i do not take these drugs but have under severe pain for short periods....they are anti-healing in the long term IMO and others....... Bottom line you are healing as the orinal pain surfaces as it can.....James

[James]

Ami.......let me give you an example of how it occurred recently in my life. Do you remember when i posted "sexual abuse" and i dropped off a cliff and was flooded with memories and pain. By challenging and moving thru a very stubborn fear. I essentially freed up repression and found the original pain repressed that i never felt as a child. This original pain rushed out freeing up old memories at the same time  (flooding) and now you see i have a more relaxed attitude because my energies are not being used for repression of so much old fear. Now im starting to find healing but there is more to be felt and each time we challenge our fears thru action we find relief, even if painfu,l as the original trauma is FINALLY processed. This really is about the physiology of the brain.......... James